


Sorry I'm Late

by andromedagalaxy



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-11 18:23:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 67,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11719956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: A picture of a boy is on the table, attached to one of the pen pal cards. Lukas feels his heart sink when he sees him, an ache stirring in his stomach that’s both foreign and familiar. Lukas reaches down and picks up the card and the picture with it. It’s definitely one the boy took of himself. He has big brown eyes, wavy chestnut hair, the tiniest smile on his lips. And those lips. Lukas knows he’s staring down at the paper in his hand like he’s lost all motor functions, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. He looks away from the boy’s face briefly to the information printed on the card, and sees that his name is Philip Shea.Philip Shea. Lukas whispers the name, feels the curve of it on his tongue.Philip Shea is the most beautiful, heavenly looking person Lukas has ever seen.(An AU where Lukas and Philip meet and fall in love as penpals.)





	1. Chapter 1

August 21st, 2017

Lukas thinks he probably spends too much time in his own head. He knows it works for him at school because it makes him look cool, seem mysterious. But he really isn’t trying for it. None of them know what the hell he’s thinking, where his mind is wandering off to, and if they ever found out he’d probably have to move to another state. Another country. Another planet. He couldn’t stay in Oklahoma if any of them knew what he is. 

Some of the other guys are throwing a lunch tray around and Lukas sighs, staring down at his hands. He’s only taken about two bites out of the slapdash sandwich his dad made him and he tries not to think about how his mom used to do things. How she’d leave notes in his bag, give him a different kind of granola bar to try every day, how she’d cut the crusts off his sandwiches and use whole wheat bread. Lukas thinks he probably should start packing his own lunch if he doesn’t want to buy in school, because on the days when his dad wants to make an attempt it never really works out for anybody.

Rose walks out with a plate full of spaghetti and sits down next to him. She narrows her eyes at the commotion and crosses her legs under the table. “What the hell are those idiots doing?”

“No idea,” Lukas says. “Same shit, different year.”

“We’re seniors now,” Rose says. “They need to stop acting like they’re in middle school.”

Lukas snorts a little bit. “They haven’t been different every year since,” he says.

“They should chill out, take you for an example. They all love you so damn much and yet they run around here making fools out of themselves while you sit here like a normal human being.”

Lukas smiles at her, stealing a string of spaghetti from her plate. “You gonna be mad about it all day?”

“Probably,” she says. “How was history was Davis?”

“Just like everybody said it would be,” Lukas says. “I’m just gonna have to pay attention.”

“You’ll be fine, you’re smart,” Rose says, leaning a little bit on his shoulder.

Every day Lukas thanks God for her. She’s his best friend, and if she didn’t pretend to be his girlfriend people would definitely be asking questions.

He remembers when he told her. Remembers when they sat in her bedroom and he cried into her neck and couldn’t stop sobbing about how his dad would hate him if he knew, would kick him out and disown him. Lukas knew he was different for a long time but only really understood it when he started high school. He buried it deep in his mind, refused to let it take hold, praying every night that it was some kind of phase. But in junior year he was sure, horrified but sure, and he and Rose had already been spending a lot of time together by that point. He hadn’t meant to tell her but it just came out. She held him and let him talk and when he couldn’t find any more words she said she’d help him. She said she wouldn’t tell anybody. And even though Lukas couldn’t believe it at the time, can barely believe it now, she told him there was nothing wrong with him. That being gay is a normal thing and their environment just isn’t as accepting as they should be. 

“You better eat, crazy,” Rose says. 

Lukas sighs, looking at his sandwich and her spaghetti. “I think I’m gonna start buying lunch,” he says.

“Might be a good decision,” she says, grinning at him.

~

Sociology is a class he likes, because Mrs. Mercer is so nice and isn’t assigning homework on the first day like everybody else. He sits near the back and takes notes on when all the tests and quizzes are gonna be, considering he missed a couple last year and he wants to be vigilant. He sighs, feeling a little pain in his chest. He misses the summer because he could choose to see his friends when he wanted, and now he feels like he’s back to walking on eggshells. He knows he’s safe because of Rose, he knows they don’t suspect, but he can’t shake the feeling that any second someone might find out about him. 

“I’ve also got an extra credit project,” Mrs. Mercer announces. “It can be done at any time and it’ll add three percentage points to your overall grade, so it could be the difference between a B and an A.”

She walks over to a table by the whiteboard and Lukas sits up a little, trying to get a better look.

“We’ve paired with another sociology class in New York for a pen pal program,” she says. “We have cards here for you to pick from—you let me know which card you pick, and the teacher in New York has a list of my students, so when your chosen recipient shows proof of your letter you’ll get the extra credit.”

“Do they get something too?” someone calls out.

“They got credit for joining the program,” Mrs. Mercer says. “It’s a very simple thing, you only have to reach out once to someone and you get the points. But we’re hoping for you to develop a rapport, see how someone in a different city than your own lives. Next year we’re hoping to expand this program internationally, but for now we’re starting small. Oklahoma to New York.”

The bell rings and people start getting up immediately, rustling their backpacks and shoving their chairs back. Lukas sighs. He wonders if his dad will be home when he gets there. He thinks about riding his bike around a little bit before he goes home, maybe do some jumps in the quarry. 

He puts his things away and zips up his backpack, getting to his feet. Everyone else passed the table by, in a rush to get out and get home, but when he makes for the door something catches his eye. 

A picture of a boy is on the table, attached to one of the pen pal cards. Lukas feels his heart sink when he sees him, an ache stirring in his stomach that’s both foreign and familiar. Lukas reaches down and picks up the card and the picture with it. It’s definitely one the boy took of himself. He has big brown eyes, wavy chestnut hair, the tiniest smile on his lips. And those lips. Lukas knows he’s staring down at the paper in his hand like he’s lost all motor functions, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. He looks away from the boy’s face briefly to the information printed on the card, and sees that his name is Philip Shea.

Philip Shea. Lukas whispers the name, feels the curve of it on his tongue. 

Philip Shea is the most beautiful, heavenly looking person Lukas has ever seen.

“That’s really nice, Lukas,” Mrs. Mercer says from behind him, making him jump a little bit. “I was worried some of you might pass him over because he’s gay.”

Lukas’s throat goes tight and he feels a little bit like throwing up. His eyes immediately cut over to the information listed, and he sees the sentence _Out and Proud, but no boyfriend here._ A few explosions go off in his head and he nearly malfunctions before regaining his focus, quickly scanning the rest of the card. 

“Uh,” Lukas says. “Yeah, it doesn’t bother me. I just saw that we’re both into photography.”

“That’s good,” Mrs. Mercer says, smiling at him and making Lukas worry with the look in her eyes. He nods at her and clutches the card and Philip’s picture like a lifeline, walking out of the classroom.

~

He reads the rest of the card outside by his motorcycle. 

_Philip Shea._  
_\- I live in Queens, New York and I love the chaotic beauty of the city._  
_\- I’m a high school senior._  
_\- I like photography and I have an old Polaroid camera._  
_\- I don’t have my driver’s license but I don’t exactly need one in New York anyway. I ride my bike everywhere and ride the subway if I have to._  
_\- Music is usually my go-to when I’m having a bad day._  
_\- Art and history are my favorite subjects._  
_\- Out and proud, but no boyfriend here._  
_\- I try to catch the sunset every day._  
_\- I know nothing about cars.  
_ _\- I don’t like the water._

Lukas puts it safely in his jacket on the way home and thinks about Philip the whole journey. Wonders what he looks like in motion. Wonders what kind of music he likes. Why he doesn’t like water. If he knows anything about dirt bikes as opposed to cars. Lukas kinda hates himself for what’s happening in his head, worse now than ever before. He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. Except he does. Just knowing that Philip’s picture is in his jacket is driving him a little crazy.

He feels like he has a sense of purpose all of a sudden. Like someone picked him up by the shoulders and set him off in the right direction.

He remembers his mother’s words, so many years ago. _You just gotta be yourself, honey. And you’ll know when you figure out who that is._

~

Dad is there when he gets home and they sit down for an awkward dinner of frozen meals. Half the time he acts like he doesn’t care if they eat dinner together, but the other half he acts like it’s almost required. 

“You been looking up the circuits?” Dad asks.

Lukas picks at his mac and cheese, still cold. “Yeah, I’ve been keeping an eye on it.”

“I’m still on the sponsor hunt but I have a couple prospects,” Dad says. Lukas nods and doesn’t want to say he’s uninterested. He’s interested. He loves riding his bike, he loves competing. It’s pretty much been the only thing that makes him feel free lately. But he wants to do it on his own terms. “How was the first day?” Dad asks.

“School is school,” Lukas says.

“You and Rose got classes together?”

“Two out of seven,” Lukas says, shrugging. 

“She’s a nice girl,” Dad says.

“Yeah,” Lukas replies, his cheeks heating up a bit. “Yeah, yeah—she is.”

~

Lukas sits at his desk and stares at Philip’s picture. It’s not the best quality. Maybe an older phone. Definitely not a Polaroid, because he probably doesn’t want to waste his film just in case he messes up. He’s got the cutest fucking face. It’s as if he’s the kind of guy that Lukas always wanted to think about but couldn’t conjure up on his own.

Lukas traces his thumb down the picture lightly, as if Philip could feel it if he pressed too hard. He doesn’t know what to say to him. How to make himself interesting. How to stand out as more than just an extra credit project. And Lukas thinks he’s an idiot acting like anything can really happen here, because they’re so far apart that they might as well be on other sides of the world. 

He sighs, trying not to think too hard, and grabs a pen, pulling his notebook towards him. He swallows hard, nervousness radiating off of him, as if he won’t be able to start over if he makes a mistake. He looks over at the stack of photos he has at the corner of the desk and grabs it too, flipping through until he finds the one he wants.

_8/21/17_

_Dear Philip,_

_Hey! Good on you for putting yourself into this extra credit program. You never know if you’re gonna get some weirdo sending you mail. Hopefully you don’t think that’s the case here! There are a bunch of weirdos in my sociology class but I like to think I’m not one of them._

_My name is Lukas Waldenbeck, and I picked up your card because I saw you’re interested in photography. I think that’s really cool, especially that you have an old Polaroid. How often do you use it? What are your favorite things to take pictures of? Do you have any other cameras?_

_There’s not much to me, really. I’m a senior too. I’ve lived in Oklahoma my whole life. I ride a motorcycle and compete in motocross events, which is probably the coolest thing about me. You said you don’t know anything about cars, do you know anything about dirt bikes? You say you ride your bike everywhere but I think you’d like being on a dirt bike. A lot faster, the wind rushing past you, the world narrowing down to you and just you…it’s really cool._

_I like history a lot too except I have a really strict teacher this year so it’s gonna be a lot of details and dates and I hope that I’m good enough to keep up with it. I’m not the best with art, but I’m sure that you are, especially if you like taking pictures. Do you draw or paint or anything else?_

_Do you like any kind of music in particular? I like pretty much everything but country music, which kind of goes against being an Oklahoma boy, but I can’t help it :)_

_How come you don’t like the water? Hope I’m not being too forward with that, I know you put it on the card but sometimes they ask for a certain amount of facts on those things and you’re kinda grasping at straws for what to write. I have no idea what I would have listed. Blue Eyes. Blond hair. I probably just would have described my entire face even though they attached a picture. By the way I enclosed a picture because I thought it’d only be fair, since I know what you look like. That’s me last summer with my motorcycle, outside my barn. I look pretty dumb but it’s the best one I have. I’m not as dumb as I look, I swear!_

_I really like the sunsets too, but I miss them a lot more than I’d like. I bet it’s beautiful there, along the city skyline._

_Okay, I won’t go on and on, but I hope I don’t sound too weird. Happy extra credit!_

_Lukas Waldenbeck_

***

August 28th, 2017

Philip weaves in and out of traffic on his way home from school. He’s going slowly, wandering back into the bike lane, and he tries not to be too paranoid about his backpack breaking. It’s been fraying on the bottom for about a month now and he knows he needs a new one, but he hasn’t been able to make it to Goodwill yet. Or he hasn’t made the effort to go, because he isn’t sure he’ll be able to find a backpack that costs the ten dollars he managed to scrounge up. He doesn’t want to dip into his savings for this. He can wait.

He won’t ask his mom for money. He doesn’t want to worry her with something like this, especially since she’s been doing so good lately. He keeps considering getting a job, a legitimate job, but he knows she’d be mad, has been insisting he focus on school since she got out of rehab. He’s been happier lately, seeing her happy, but he wishes he could do more. For her and himself.

He sees a group of people all laughing and telling stories in front of a café, and he tries not to think about what that’d be like. To have friends to go out with, friends who call to check up on him, that text him when they see something that reminds them of him. He thinks the only person he could even consider calling a friend is that girl Allison in art, and that’s only because she doesn’t switch seats when he sits next to her and she asks him questions when she doesn’t understand something. Sometimes they even work together for group projects. So she’s the closest thing to a friend that he has.

Of course, he isn’t counting Mom. Or Helen and Gabe.

He sees them walking out of his complex as soon as he turns the corner. He finds himself smiling and he pedals towards them.

“Hey,” he says. “What are you two doing here?”

“Stopped in to see your mom,” Helen says, closing the distance between them and planting a big kiss on his cheek. “We didn’t think we’d catch you.”

“Almost got hit by seven cars on the way home so that added on to my time,” Philip says, shrugging.

Gabe narrows his eyes. “Hope you’re kidding, kid.”

“Only slightly,” Philip says, smiling. “How are you guys?”

He’s known them for two years now, since Helen and Mom crossed paths at Mount Sinai Hospital. They just clicked, found a strange sort of support and comradery almost immediately, and Gabe swears up and down that they helped each other heal from their past wounds. They got Mom into rehab and went back and forth to stay with Philip so he didn’t miss any school. They live in Tivoli, two hours away, but they always come out to the city and make sure to visit when they do. They’re like family, and Philip thinks all the time that he doesn’t know where he and Mom would be without them.

Well, he does know. But he doesn’t want to think about it.

“A tree fell and blocked a road yesterday,” Helen says. “We were missing a traffic cone. Tony got a prank phone call.”

“Busy day,” Philip says, nodding. 

“We also have this Shetland sheepdog staying with us for shots, so that’s been fun,” Gabe says. “Other than that things are the same. Your mom was just telling us about her boss at the grocery store.”

“Yeah,” Philip says, rolling his eyes. “That guy is a shit.”

“Sounds like it,” Helen says. “I hope he gets his.”

“Me too,” Philip says.

“Everything else okay?” Gabe asks, and Philip can hear the unspoken question, the underlying worry. 

“Yes,” Philip says. “School is….whatever. I’m trying to get extra credit where I can.”

“Let us know if we can help,” Helen says. 

“Helen, your math skills…”

“Kid,” she says, gritting her teeth, and Philip laughs. “You know what I can help with. None of us have any math skills around here, you’re on your own with that.”

“I know, I know,” Philip says, laughing. “But yeah, mom is doing good. Better. I think you can tell.”

“Yeah, she seems pretty happy,” Helen says. She narrows her eyes and reaches out, taking hold of his shoulder and turning him a little bit. “He needs a new backpack,” she says.

“No, it’s fine,” Philip says, shaking his head.

Gabe and Helen share a look and Gabe nods. “We’ll take care of it for you, send it along in a couple days,” he says.

“Guys, you don’t have to,” Philip says, shaking his head.

“Enough with that,” Helen says, smiling and leaning in to kiss his cheek again. “We’re heading off to meet one of Gabe’s long lost college pals in Central Park, so wish us luck.”

“He was a fraternity guy, so I’m excited to see how he turned out,” Gabe says, reaching out to clap Philip on the shoulder. 

“Well, thank you,” Philip says, feeling a little defeated. “Have fun.”

“We will,” they say in unison.

“We’ll see you soon,” Helen says, winking at him.

~

He lines up his Polaroids on the table in front of his mom, straightening them out. He doesn’t like the look in her eye today, and wonders if she had been putting on some kind of show for Helen and Gabe. But he doesn’t say anything about it.

“These are so nice,” she says, smiling, gently touching one of the school stairwell. “You gonna make friends with any of the kids in these pictures?

“Maybe,” he says, and doesn’t mention that he usually snaps his photos and walks away, rarely interacting with any of his subjects and worrying that they’ll be mad he got them in a picture to begin with. 

“You’re gonna need new film,” she says, pushing some of his hair out of his eyes. “I’ll put aside some money for it.”

“Don’t worry about it at all, Mom,” he says, gathering his pictures up again and stacking them in his hand. “I still have more.” He only has two packs put away in his bedroom, but that’s plenty for now. 

“You gonna enter these in to another contest?” she asks.

“Yeah,” he says, nodding. “When I have enough.” He’s been putting together his Polaroids as sort of an expression of New York and submitting them to photography contests. He’s actually placed a few times, and has a little bit of money set aside from it. “That guy wasn’t a dick again today, was he?”

Mom sighs, and Philip can tell that’s an affirmative answer despite whatever she says next. “I try to ignore it.”

“If it gets too bad you need to go over his head,” Philip says. 

“If it does I will,” she says, and gives him a weak smile.

~

Philip always feels like all the strength is leaving his body from the moment he wakes up and tries to prepare for the day. There are always little spurts that are given back to him, like seeing his mom happy or talking to Helen and Gabe. But usually he watches the sunset through his window and then collapses on his bed, like he’s doing now, too many thoughts running through his mind. He feels broken, inherently broken, incapable of interacting properly with the human race. People seem to put up with him but don’t ever seek him out. Sometimes he thinks he might even disappear.

He wants something and he doesn’t know what it is. He doesn’t know how to get it. So he feels drained, destroyed, staring at the sun disappearing into the distance and wondering if there’s anyone else who feels the same as him. He wants to put on some music to relax but his CD player is over on the dresser and he feels too goddamn wiped out to even attempt to get to it.

He closes his eyes with his math book on his chest.

He only realizes he must have fallen asleep when he hears a knock on his door. He hums to himself, rubbing his eyes when his mom pops her head inside. 

“You sleeping?” she asks. 

“Accident,” he says. “What time is it?”

“Seven,” she says. She walks inside with a TV dinner and sets it on his bedside table. “Now you’re barely gonna sleep tonight.”

“I’ll try,” he says, smiling at her. He sees she’s holding an envelope in her hand and he motions towards it with his chin. “What’s that?”

“Oh, you got a letter,” she says, holding it out to him. “I took it out of the box earlier and forgot to give it to you, sorry sweetie.”

“It’s okay,” he says, his eyes narrowed as he turns it over in his hands. She ruffles his hair and walks out of the room, closing the door behind her. 

The letter is addressed to him, from a Lukas Waldenbeck in Oklahoma. Philip’s heart stutters and he remembers the dumb extra credit assignment he signed up for during the last week of summer when Miss Kelley sent out her e-mails. The pen pal project, and now he has a letter. He pictured all the Oklahoma kids skipping over him because he had the audacity to admit he was gay, and now he’s got a letter from a guy.

He tries not to destroy the letter with how fast he opens it.

A 4x6 photo falls out of the envelope once he’s got it open and flutters down to land on Philip’s comforter. He picks it up and looks at it. At him. Lukas. Philip feels a bit like he’s been hit by a truck because Lukas is fucking _gorgeous_ in an overwhelming way, standing there all sexy and nonchalant by a motorcycle. Philip stares and stares and stares and holds the picture really close to his face to make sure he’s actually looking at such a thing. 

He comes to his senses and opens the letter. 

He reads it through once. Twice. Three times. It feels like a weight has been lifted, like the anvil that normally sits on his chest has been chiseled away. He laughs reading it, can almost hear Lukas’s voice even though he has no idea what he sounds like. There’s no mention at all about Philip being gay and Philip doesn’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. 

He reads the letter again. He tries to determine if this got to him by mistake, but no, even he can tell that’s irrational. It’s all about him down to a T. He looks at the picture again and thinks about Lukas riding that bike. Thinks about being on the back of it behind him.

“Get a hold of yourself, Shea,” Philip whispers, glad his mom isn’t here to see him blush. 

He reads the letter one more time and sits up, vaguely reaching for his bag to get out a notebook and pen without looking. 

Lukas is cute, physically and personality-wise. He’s fucking adorable and sexy and Jesus, Philip tries to chill out. Lukas is in Oklahoma. 

“Oklahoma boy,” Philip says, smirking to himself. 

He crosses his legs underneath himself and tries to calm his heart down as he composes a response.

_August 28th 2017_

_Dear Lukas,_

_You’re definitely not a weirdo! More like a knight in shining armor for saving me the embarrassment of not being chosen to receive a letter. I had horrible visions of my card languishing in some Oklahoma school so you did a very good deed in picking me. I hope I live up to your expectations._

_Are you into photography too? I’ve always liked it, it feels sorta like an escape. I like preserving beauty because you never know how long something or someone is gonna be around. My Polaroid is pretty cool but I can never get the kind of detail I want. I use it every day, usually, when I have the film. I like to take pictures of everything. Whatever catches my eye. It’s been stairwells and cabs lately, strangely enough. I unfortunately don’t have any other cameras. One day I want to get a nice digital one._

_Motocross sounds really cool and I love your motorcycle. I don’t really know anything about dirt bikes either, sadly, but I’d love to learn. It sounds amazing. How many times have you competed? Do you drive your bike all the time or do you have a car too? (A car I’ll know nothing about, but it’d be cool to hear about it anyway.)_

_I wonder how similar our workloads will be for history. Maybe I can help you? I’m pretty good at remembering stuff like that. You just need to get those strict teachers on your side! Make them love you! I’m sure you could be a teacher’s pet, Oklahoma boy! Are you one of those seniors that’s just done already or are you still hoping to come out with straight A’s at the end of the year? Something I’ll never be capable of, honestly. I don’t draw or paint but I’ve always wanted to learn. Do you like math?_

_I don’t like country music either, so we’re on the same page there. I’m glad you’re breaking stereotypes. I like indie music, pop, rock, all kinds of things. I really like Troye Sivan right now, have for a while. Do you like his stuff?_

_You’re not being too forward. As for the water—near drowning accident when I was little, but we don’t need to talk about shit like that. You’re really funny and sort of right—I had no idea what to write. Our teacher e-mailed the class the last week of summer and asked for our information and I did struggle to not describe myself physically over and over again. It almost felt like I was writing a personals ad, it was sort of weird. And you definitely don’t look dumb in your picture. As I said, I love your motorcycle, and you look awesome. So cool._

_The sunsets breathe life into me on most days. They are beautiful in the city, but I bet they’re amazing where you are too. How close are your closest neighbors? Do you live far from town? Tell me about Oklahoma. I want to know all about it._

_I was really happy to receive your letter, Lukas. Not every day is the best but you made this one better. Hope to hear more from you!_

_Philip Shea_


	2. Chapter 2

September 1st 2017

Lukas knows why he’s looking forward to the mail today. Because he was looking forward to the mail yesterday. And the day before. And every damn day since he put his letter in the box because he’s positive he’s officially lost his mind. He’s terrified Philip isn’t going to write back. After all, he just needed to enter the program to get the credit. He doesn’t have to do anything else, not really. 

Lukas tries not to think like that.

His friend Cameron races by and holds out his hand. Lukas barely manages to low-five him before he and Rose are turning the corner and heading outside. 

“The race is on the 9th, right?” Rose asks, linking her arm through his as they go down the stairs.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, and hates that it isn’t excitement that fills him up but a sense of dread instead. It’s one his dad signed him up for a month ago and all that echoes in his ears is _win win win_ and he wonders what the hell is gonna happen if he doesn’t. 

“I’ll be there,” she says. “Might bring Mom. You know she’s a fan.”

Lukas snorts. “She just likes to yell and root for things.”

“Root for you!” Rose says, accusingly. 

“Well I’ll be happy to have you there,” Lukas says, looking down at her. “Just don’t hang with my dad. His insanity might be contagious.”

“He just wants you to do good,” Rose says, her hand slipping away from him as she starts towards the bus stop. 

“You want a ride?” Lukas asks, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder. 

“It’s alright,” she says. “Going straight to work and my girl takes this route. I’ll message you later!”

“Alright,” he says, and when she blows him a kiss he pretends to catch it, smacking it onto his cheek. She laughs, waving at him before she turns and continues her walk.

Lukas swallows hard and sometimes he wonders if people watch them and realize how often they _don’t_ kiss. He kisses her sometimes, to hold up appearances, but it’s not nearly the same amount as some of the couples in their school. He’s walked in on Tommy and Tracy making out about a hundred times. He’s conflicted, because he does want people to think he’s dating Rose. But he doesn’t want to disrespect her, and he also really doesn’t have any interest in kissing her.

He palms the back of his neck and tries not to think about the mail.

~

He thinks way too much about the mail. So much so that he nearly plows into the goddamn mailbox on his bike, skidding into the grass and tearing it up. He pulls his helmet off and sighs, looking at the damage and realizing he’ll have to fix it later. 

He opens up the mailbox with shaking hands and thinks about the disappointment of the previous days. Piles of bills and advertisements, nothing for him. And it makes him rethink his excitement, his eagerness. Philip is way, way too cute for him. And pretty damn far away. Why would he write back? Lukas didn’t say anything exciting. He included that dumbass picture. He’s worried about these burgeoning feelings, for the boy whose voice lives in a small information card and a single, perfect photograph. Lukas hasn’t even gotten a reply yet. He doesn’t know why he feels this way with barely anything to go on. Why his mind is wandering into territory he doesn’t understand, couldn’t possibly understand. Lukas can’t be openly gay in his everyday life and Philip is. Lukas barely knows him but he knows he’s brave. He knows he’s beautiful. He knows he wants to get to know him more.

He knows he’s been wishing for a reply every night and questioning his new passion for the boy in the photograph. Wondering what the hell will happen if he ever gets to see Philip’s handwriting. Hear his voice. Hold his hand.

He flips through the mail and his heart nearly falls out of his body when he sees a letter from Philip.

Lukas is losing his goddamn mind.

He considers ripping it open and reading it right there but decides against it, holding the pile of mail in his hand with the most important letter on top. He walks his bike up to the garage.

~

Maybe he trips on the stairs a little bit. Maybe he stumbles out of his shoes and nearly face-plants into the bed. Maybe his heart is nearly beating out of his chest because maybe _just maybe_ something is about to change.

He opens the letter. 

He reads it through and it’s like gaps are being filled in. A new world creating itself in his mind, a castle being built brick by brick with every one of Philip’s words. 

Knight in shining armor. Lukas barely gets through that phrase without biting down a smile, and he can’t stop thinking about how he wants to hear Philip’s voice. 

Philip thinks he looks awesome. Philip wants to know about motocross. Philip doesn’t like country music either. He managed to make Philip’s day better. It’s been so many days since then, and Lukas wonders how he’s doing now. He traces his eyes over the words and if he thought he was going insane before, he’s really insane now. It feels like a door has been opened. Philip does like him. He wrote back. Jesus, at times it almost seemed like he was _flirting—_

“What are you smiling at?” Dad’s voice says.

Lukas nearly jumps out of his skin. “Jesus Christ,” he says, pressing a hand to his chest. “You scared me.”

“Your door was open,” Dad says, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. “You doing homework?”

“Yeah,” Lukas lies. “There was a really stupid—really stupid math problem, like—all that Jerry has eighteen pies, gives—Anna ten pies…”

Dad just stares at him.

Lukas knows he’s blushing and he shrugs, laughing awkwardly. “Just…dumb, you know? So many pies.”

“Glad you’re enjoying your math work, I guess,” Dad says, and Lukas still feels a little sick, wishing he had come up with a better and more believable lie. “You think you’ll get to go out and practice later on?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “I will after dinner.”

Dad smiles and nods at him, pulling the door almost closed. Lukas sighs to himself, swallowing hard, and looks back down at Philip’s letter. He loves his scratchy handwriting, loves the big, curvy L that comes with his own name.

He wonders about the drowning accident, but he doesn’t plan on pushing him on it, especially not now in his second letter. And he plans on listening to everything Troye Sivan has recorded.

Lukas has a brief moment of clarity. It’s almost like he’s able to look at himself from the outside, see how he’s acting, see his own thoughts written in the air. Like this is a turning point. A choice to continue being this way, continue caring this much, or put himself in check and approach it like a normal human being.

He’s never really felt normal. And these feelings don’t feel normal either. He doesn’t get it, can’t fathom what’s happening to him in regards to Philip. He’s never looked twice at the other boys in his school despite knowing his sexuality for a while now. But this one picture of this one boy caught his eye and now his entire world is tilting on its axis and he’s struggling to hold on.

For good measure he pulls his phone out of his pocket and types in a sentence he never thought he’d think, let alone write into a search engine while daydreaming about a boy in New York he doesn’t know.

_Is love at first sight a real thing?_

He clicks on some psychology article and feels his breath catch in his throat.

_Perhaps there is a sense of déjà vu triggered by having known this person in a prior lifetime. Perhaps at first sight your “other half” pulls you toward him like the opposite poles of a magnet. Thus, Plato held the view that, when our souls descended from heaven to earth, they were divided, so that meeting your soulmate for the first time in this lifetime was a sort of reunion._

Lukas clicks his phone closed and rubs at his eyes, sucking in a breath. He unzips his bag and pulls his notebook out, checking to see that his pen is still where he left it in the spiral. He takes Philip’s letter, gets up, walking over to the door and shutting it the rest of the way as quietly as he can. He sits down at his desk and gently opens up his top drawer, lifting up the manila folder to reveal Philip’s picture.

Lukas is a goddamn goner. 

He finds a soft smile on his face and he pulls the pen out of the spiral, smoothing out Philip’s letter for reference. He tries not to gush too much. He tries to sound like a sane, normal human being who absolutely did not just look up anything about love at first sight.

_You’re already exceeding my expectations_ he thinks, but he doesn’t dare write that.

Not yet, anyway.

_9/1/17_

_Dear Philip,_

_To be honest, your card was the only one that caught my eye. No one else in my class even took a second look at the table but I wanted to get a jump on it and you were the best one there by far. So thanks for being so interesting! You made it easy for me!_

_I don’t own a camera but I love the idea of photography. I’d like to see some of your work, if you could bear to part with it? I like your approach to capturing the beauty, it is true that you don’t know how long something is gonna be around. There was this graffiti under a bridge that I would always drive by and it was so beautiful, and then one day it was gone and I was so mad at myself that I never took a picture of it. I really do like stairwells and cabs so now I’m even more interested in seeing your pics. What kind of film do you use for your Polaroid? You think I’d be able to get a hold of it out here?_

_I love my motorcycle too so I appreciate you saying that. Dirt bikes are basically really loud, really fast and really cool. I get to wear special gear and everything. But I won’t go into boring details, I think you’d like it if you watched it or got to ride a bike. I’ve competed a bunch of times, I’ve sorta lost count but definitely over twenty times. My bike is my only transportation, I always roar up to school and bother everybody. You don’t think you’d ever want to drive a car? It’s not my favorite but they definitely come in handy. I borrow my dad’s sometimes when I have a lot of cargo. If I ever had to move I’d definitely need a car. Is it easy to ride your bike around the city? Hope the traffic isn’t too dangerous for you._

_It’d be awesome if you could help me, so I’ll keep you updated on all the crap I can’t remember :) I normally kinda stay quiet in class, not the teacher’s pet type! They’re barely aware of my presence. I do wanna graduate with good grades, and it’s pretty much expected of me, as well. I’m good at math but I don’t like it, what about you? Do you have plans to go to college? I’ve got no plans to and it’s probably too late already—my dad always wanted me to kinda skip out and go right into getting paid for motocross, but I don’t exactly think I’m good enough. I think it’ll take a long time to get to that point for me. I love riding but I really did want to go to college and have the experience, maybe even go out of state. It’s funny, I’ve never really told anybody that before, not even my best friend Rose. Guess I trust you? Don’t make me regret it!_

_Haven’t listened to much Troye but that’s gonna change! Do you have a favorite movie? Favorite book? Favorite color? Favorite favorite?_

_I’m really, really sorry about the accident, and if you ever want to discuss it I’m here. And thanks for saying I look awesome! It’s a lie but thanks! :) We should trade more pics, I have a lot more of me looking really dumb._

_I understand about the sunsets, I feel the same way. Oklahoma isn’t much. I live in Stillwater and I spend most of my time on my dad’s farm, at school or at the library. That’s when I’m not riding, there’s a few open spaces and quarries where I can do some nice tricks. Closest neighbor is about five miles away, we’re right at the edge of town. Not too far, about ten minutes or so to get somewhere good. I wish I could see New York. I bet it’s incredible. Is it exciting living there? You doing stuff all the time?_

_Okay I definitely went on and on in this one, sorry about that. I’m really happy I was able to make a hard day a little better. You will be hearing more from me for sure, I’m glad you wrote me back. I wasn’t sure you would, but I’m glad you did. Thank you. Hope this gets to you quick and finds you safe and sound!_

_Best,  
Lukas_

***

September 5th, 2017

That fucker Chad hits Philip three more times in the face but Philip kicks him off, pushing himself back and trying to get away. Everyone is chanting _fight fight fight_ in a circle around them, but Philip can only feel the reverberations of the word, his ears are ringing so loud. He sees Chad going for him again but then the security guard insinuates himself between them, and Philip sags under his relief. 

“Come on,” Miss Kelley says, beside him suddenly, taking his arm and pulling him to his feet. The rest of the kids disperse, herded off like sheep by the other two security guards, and Philip feels dizzy, reaches up and feels blood dripping from his nose. “Come on, sweetheart,” Miss Kelley says this time, and he realizes he must really look like shit for her to call him that.

~

“Don’t call my mom,” Philip says, looking over the nurse’s shoulder at Miss Kelley.

“Why not?” she asks.

“Just because,” Philip says. “I don’t want her worrying.”

“She’s gonna see you later anyway,” Miss Kelley says. “What are you going to tell her? That you fell down?”

Philip shrugs. “Probably.”

Miss Kelley shifts her lips to the side and taps her foot on the ground. She looks impatient, a lot like Helen does when she isn’t particularly happy with him. “You don’t want to speak to the principal about Chad?” 

Philip laughs a little bit, wincing when he leans a little too far into the nurse’s hands. She’s putting Neosporin on the cut on his forehead, because that shithead was wearing his class ring. Philip hopes he really fucked it up. The nurse puts a butterfly bandage on his wound, shakes her head at him and walks away. 

“No,” Philip says. “It’s pointless.”

“It isn’t pointless, Philip,” Miss Kelley says. “He’s gonna get suspended.”

“Again.”

“But if you talk to the principal he could be expelled,” she says. “I don’t to say anything about students, but—well—he deserves it.”

This has happened with Chad and his cronies more than once. Philip doesn’t know what the hell it is about his face that makes them want to attack him. He’s fucking tired of it. But he hates the idea of going to the principal. He doesn’t know why. Maybe because he thinks they should be making this goddamn decision themselves. He reaches up and wipes at his nose, looking down at his feet.

“Alright, Philip,” Miss Kelley says. “You let me know if you change your mind.”

He nods slightly, becoming more and more done with this conversation with every passing second. His face hurts and his nose hurts and he doesn’t want this shit to happen anymore. He wants to understand why it happens in the first place.

“How’d the pen pal turn out?” Miss Kelley asks, brightening up a little bit. “Was it a nice letter?”

Now this is a subject he likes. He’s been thinking about Lukas from the moment he opened the letter, and he’s looked at that picture so much he’s surprised he hasn’t burned a hole through it. 

Lukas. Lukas managed to push his way into Philip’s bubble with one piece of paper, and Philip cannot wait to hear from him again. He wants to know every single thing about him.

“That’s a good look,” Miss Kelley says, dipping her head down to look at him better. 

“Yeah,” Philip says. “I got a good one.”

“You think there’ll be some more letters?” she asks. “A real back and forth?”

Philip hopes. He hopes he hopes he hopes. Lukas seems interested, willing to talk. Philip has been burned before, not many times but enough to hurt, but this feels like something. He doesn’t know what yet, but he’s optimistic. “I think so,” he says. “Yeah.”

~

He has to take a few different routes because of accidents and closed roads, which adds about half an hour to his journey home. He checks the box as soon as he gets there but there’s nothing in it, which only adds to his irritation. His face hurts and his nose keeps feeling like it’s gonna start bleeding again.

When he gets inside he sees a note taped to the back of the couch in his mom’s handwriting.

_Out until about ten, sandwich in the fridge and soup to heat up! Mail on the counter. Love you, Mom xx_

Mail on the counter is ten times more important than any kind of food, and Philip worries briefly as he’s walking over to the counter about where his mom went. He tries to remember her schedule and thinks about calling the store to see if she’s there. He thinks that would probably make her mad, but maybe he can work it so she doesn’t even know he called.

He sighs, hoping for something good, and his breath catches in his throat when he gets it. A letter from Lukas. He puts the rest of the mail back on the counter and wanders over to the couch, taking note of the fact that Lukas actually put a small smiley face by Philip’s name on the envelope. 

Why the hell does a smiley face turn Philip’s stomach to knots?

The letter is longer than he expected and he reads it slow, enraptured from the first word. He feels like he’s getting in deeper with every sentence he reads, Lukas slowly revealing new parts of his personality, all of them endearing, all of them making Philip go starry-eyed. Saying cute shit like he likes stairwells and cabs just because Philip said they were recent subjects of his. Philip has to cover his face, he’s grinning so hard.

“He’s probably not even gay,” Philip whispers to himself, sighing a little bit but still smiling as he keeps reading. 

He gets to the paragraph where Lukas starts talking about college and he feels a little tinge of something in his chest. It feels like Lukas is really opening up, sharing something personal, and here in the silence of his own home, Philip doesn’t exactly feel alone. Like he can feel the ghost of Lukas’s words all around him, the connection forming between them, the newfound trust in just a matter of words. 

“Favorite favorite,” Philip snorts, laughing. “I think you’re my favorite favorite, Oklahoma boy.”

He finishes the letter and reads it again, and a third time for good measure. He feels closer to him now, feels his interest and trust and concern permeating through the paper. Philip stares off at the wall for a minute. 

His mom always talks about fate. About things happening for a reason, about the world and the universe leading you to where you need to be. Philip always thought it was bullshit, thought that no one and nothing good would ever lead them to cold nights and a small apartment and doing the disgusting things he’s had to do to protect her and himself. 

But Lukas makes him wonder. 

Philip gets an inclination and pulls his phone out of his pocket. His heart is raging in his chest like he’s doing something wrong, but he types Lukas’s name into Facebook and looks him up anyway. 

He can’t see much, but it’s enough to make his heart flutter. Lukas’s profile picture is him standing in front of a sunset in a field, dipping his head down and laughing. If Philip wasn’t already feeling something, he definitely is now. His cover photo is a picture of him doing a jump on his bike, and Philip stares at it for longer than is probably proper. He scrolls down a little bit and sees a post from last year, from a girl named Rose, which Philip assumes is the same one Lukas mentioned in the letter. She posted a picture of a corgi puppy sitting on a motorcycle, which Lukas replied to with heart eyes.

Philip knows he’s got heart eyes right now.

He nonchalantly scrolls back up to Lukas’s profile picture, opens it up and saves it to his phone. He raises his eyebrows at himself and clears his throat, not letting himself think too hard about what he just did. He clicks away from the page and locks his phone, putting it on the couch beside him. He chews on his lip a little bit and tries to think rationally. It works for about a minute before he’s thinking about Lukas’s smile. Lukas worrying about him in traffic. Lukas wanting to trade more pictures. Lukas telling him something he’s never told anybody before.

Philip rubs his temples and draws in a big breath. He gets up, putting on his backpack and grabbing the rest of the mail as he heads to his room to write out his response. He sees they have a letter from Helen and Gabe and he opens it quickly. There’s a check for a hundred dollars and he clicks his tongue when he sees it, shaking his head. There’s a note in Helen’s handwriting that says _HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY. FRIENDSHIP DAY IS EVERY DAY. We love you both, love Helen and Gabe._

Philip knows they’re too good, too damn good, and he tries not to tear up. He takes the check and the note into his room and puts them under his mattress, getting up onto his bed and pulling out his notebook and his camera.

He feels like this letter is make or break. Lukas knows Philip is gay and he hasn’t mentioned it. He’s still writing. He has a girl best friend. He’s flirting. Philip would normally doubt that but he feels it in his bones. 

_Sometimes you’ll know, sweetheart. Sometimes fate steers you in the right direction and makes everything clear._

He doesn’t take a lot of selfies with his Polaroid but he has a pretty good idea when he’s got something in frame. And he figures he’ll take a couple until he gets this right. He holds the camera out and smiles, one side of his mouth twitching up. He thinks of Lukas. The camera flashes and the picture prints out, and Philip sits there and waits for it to start appearing. It does about thirty seconds later, and he’s pleasantly surprised with the results. He twirls his pen around in his hand and starts to write.

He thinks he needs to take a risk.

_September 5th 2017,_

_Dear Lukas,_

_I can imagine how everybody else looked if I was the only one that caught your eye. And I’m impressed with both of our work ethics, getting into this extra credit so early on in the year. Go us! Good grades are in our futures I’m sure. Thank you for being so interesting. I think we both lucked out with this thing._

_My work is honestly nothing special and I’m only super attached to about three different pictures, so I’ve included a couple I think you’ll enjoy. I also took a picture of myself a few seconds ago, so I’m putting that in, too. It came out better than I thought it would for taking it of myself. What was the graffiti of? My film is Polaroid close-up 636, but I probably shouldn’t have told you that because I sense you wanting to send me some. Don’t! Please! Not being sarcastic! :)_

_I think it probably takes a special kind of person to ride a bike like that, so I really respect you. I doubt I could ever be capable of it myself. But I could probably be a passenger! How long have you been doing all this? How long have you had the bike in the picture? I don’t really want to drive a car because I don’t trust other people very much. There’s so much honking and traffic here it’s insane. People are nuts. But don’t worry, I’m very careful on my bike. But I feel like if I got into a car I’d crash it by accident first thing. So it’s probably best if you’re the driver here. I can hear about all your adventures, on dirt bikes and in cars alike._

_I’m available for all your history needs. I like math alright, but I’m not good at it at all. Maybe that’s something else we can trade? I’m a quiet student too. I wouldn’t say I’m nervous to speak up, more like I’d rather not draw attention to myself. I’ve never had the grades for college, or the money. I think you should tell your dad that you’d rather go by your own plan. Is it possible for you to have that conversation with him? Or is he the assertive controlling type of parent? But I’m sure you’re good enough to do whatever you want to do. You just have to make that choice and not let anybody else make it for you. It means a lot that you’d open up to me about something like this. You won’t regret it! Your trust is safe with me. How long have you known Rose? Is she a senior in your high school too?_

_Tell me what you think of Blue Neighborhood if you happen to give it a listen :) Fools is definitely my favorite. Favorite movie is hard but I would probably say It’s a Wonderful Life. Mom and I saw it in the theater together at Christmastime when I was little and it’s always stuck with me, we watch it every year. Favorite book is A Separate Peace, though the third Harry Potter comes close. Favorite color is blue. Favorite favorite? Still deciding :) All the same questions right back at you! What’s your favorite place? Where do you feel happiest? Who do you want to meet the most?_

_Don’t worry about the accident, it happened a hundred years ago. You do look awesome, no lies here, I don’t lie! Like I wrote, I included a couple in here, but in terms of pics of me, those are few and far between. Should I take more? So we can trade?_

_It must be nice to have so much space. Is it too quiet ever? If you want to see New York you should plan a trip sometime. It’s an amazing city. It definitely never sleeps. But I’m not doing stuff all the time. I pretty much go to school, go home. Sometimes I go to museums. I don’t really have a lot of people for me. The kids at school pretty much just like to beat me up. It happened again today. Not ever really sure what I’ve done but I’m assuming it’s just because I’m different. I like to think I hold my own pretty well against them. Sorry for saying all that, but my nose is still bleeding and my face still hurts and I guess I’m still annoyed about it. I suppose you don’t have to deal with stuff like that ever? Are you a popular kid?_

_I like it when you go on and on. Of course I wrote you back, and I’ll definitely continue doing so as long as you keep writing me. You got a girlfriend over there to keep you busy?_

_Looking forward to hearing from you again,  
Philip_


	3. Chapter 3

September 9th 2017

The race is going well. Really well. Lukas’s head is in the game as he drives around the track, all the jumps are smooth, the grips feel good in his hands. He’s keeping tabs on the leader only a few feet in front of him, and he knows at the third turn he’ll be able to take it wide and push into first place. 

The crowd sounds like a wave inside his helmet, and he tries not to pick out any particular voices. He tries not to think about anything else as he flies through the air and comes back down, landing a little too hard. The bike in front of him throws up dirt in his path and he weaves away, taking another jump, then another, then another. He can hear the other engines coming up fast behind him and he tries to shake them off.

_You’ve gotta win, Lukas. That’s what the sponsors look at. They don’t look at the guy that came in fifth. They really don’t look at the guy that came in last. You gotta win. You gotta stand out._

He kicks his legs out on the next jump and thinks he hears cheering. 

He doesn’t think about his dad. Just the track in front of him. Just the guys behind him. Just catching the leader. Not failing. Not failing. 

He makes another jump and comes down hard again. Makes another one and comes down harder. He tries to readjust. They all go around the corner and he tilts dangerously close to the ground but rights himself again. 

_You gotta win, boy. You gotta win._

He has to do better. He has to catch up with Roberts, the goddamn guy in green getting away from him. He speeds up and goes over a jump, another, another, landing better this time, but his heart is raging in his chest. He has to catch up. He has to catch up. The turn is right there. He’s got this. He’s got this.

The third corner comes around and he weaves around Roberts expertly, taking a wide berth, but he’d fucking forgotten about the jump, goddamn forgotten there was a jump right there, right after the curve. He didn’t prepare, isn’t going nearly fast enough, isn’t in the right position, and he barely makes it up halfway before his bike is falling back and coming down on top of him. It hits him hard and he sees stars for a moment, and not in any kind of good way. He rolls and the bike rolls with him, and he hears all the others driving by and trying not to fucking run him over.

He looks at his bike and can’t see any longterm damage, which loosens the worry in his chest a little bit. 

He lays there for a second, his body aching, and he can see neon flags in the distance. His head fucking hurts, it’s goddamn pounding, and he hopes he hasn’t sprained anything. His ribs hurt where his bike hit him. He can almost hear his dad roaring.

~

They decide he’s okay to go home after patching up the scratch on his forehead, and he barely gets to hug Rose and her mom before his dad is dragging him and his bike off towards the truck.

They don’t talk on the way back. It’s too damn quiet. Lukas keeps rubbing at the bruise on his forehead and he looks over at his dad. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I wasn’t—I wasn’t thinking.”

Dad doesn’t respond.

~

Once they get back inside the house the dam breaks. Dad spins around like he’s found new life and Lukas sorta wishes he had stayed outside to try and deal with his bike, which he left in the barn. He can’t cope with this shit. 

“You’re never gonna get anywhere if you don’t pay attention,” Dad yells, taking up half the living room with his rage. “No one is ever going to goddamn take you seriously if you can’t take yourself seriously.”

“I do take myself seriously,” Lukas mutters, barely looking at him.

“If you did you would have made that jump,” Dad spits out. “How are you gonna make money doing this if you can’t win the races? How, Lukas?”

“I don’t—”

“How?”

“I don’t fucking know, Dad!” Lukas screams, before he even realizes what he’s doing. Dad’s eyes flash angry and he steps forward fast, his hand raised and moving in Lukas’s direction. He hasn’t ever hit him before but it always comes close and maybe this is the moment where it happens, where he makes another bruise on Lukas’s face on top of the ones from the race. Lukas hates this, hates everything, just wants to look at that picture of Philip forever until he manifests in front of him. There’s a life that he could have, Lukas can glimpse it now, like it’s on the other side of opaque glass. Through Philip’s letters he can see it. See the possibilities. 

Lukas steps away from his dad’s wrath and hits the table, knocking a picture off onto the ground.

They both stop because they know which picture it is. Lukas is shaking, moving to pick it up and hold it in his hands. He took it of his mother on her birthday, when the three of them were on a picnic down at the lake. He tears up looking at her, shaking some of the glass off onto the floor. He can remember her singing, can remember picking out the best strawberries from the ones they brought, then pouring way too much sugar on them.

Dad laughed a lot more in those days. Hugged him. It feels like half their relationship died when Mom did, and Lukas hates it. Hates realizing what’s happened to them.

When he looks up his dad is stalking off into the kitchen, and Lukas swallows hard, trying to bite back his tears. He grabs his bag and heads out the door, storing the picture safely away in his notebook. 

~

He opens the mailbox and nearly dies of relief when he sees Philip’s letter in there. He grabs it out and leaves the rest. He makes for his bike and doesn’t care about the dents and scratches, guns the engine and gets the fuck out of there. 

He’s relieved that the bike runs fine and he heads to the library, which has become his refuge when he wants to get the hell away from his dad. He goes right to his spot in the back, plopping down on one of the red bean bag chairs and quickly opening Philip’s letter.

A bunch of Polaroids fall out and Lukas gathers them up, already finding himself smiling. There’s one of the Empire State Building lit up in rainbow colors, another of a line of yellow taxis pulled over on the side of the road, another of a long set of stairs from the very top and one more of a field of sunflowers. They’re beautiful. And he’s not just thinking that because he’s basically obsessed with the boy that took them. Philip really has an eye for things. The beauty in the world.

Lukas feels mixed emotions about the last one in the pile. His heart dips because it’s a selfie of Philip, and a fucking cute one at that. But there’s a bruise on his forehead and a scratch above his eyebrow, covered with a butterfly bandage. Lukas swallows hard and stares at him for a moment, hating seeing wounds on that sweet face. He assumes it’s recent, because he doesn’t think Philip would include an old picture like this without reason. He starts reading the letter to see if he mentions it.

He almost forgets his own situation. The accident, the fight, the broken frame. His world narrows down to Philip’s handwriting, his own eyes cutting over to the Polaroid of this boy he wants to know everything about. He wants to buy him film. He wants to tutor him in math. He wants to go through history books with him, wants to have Philip tell him about important events and dates. He wants to read A Separate Peace again. He wants to tell him everything. 

He’s been listening to Blue Neighborhood on goddamn repeat and he only thinks about one person while he’s doing it. 

Lukas is starting to mentally berate himself again for acting so crazy when he gets to the second to last paragraph, and chills run up his arms. The wounds on Philip’s face are because someone attacked him at school. Some fucking asshole attacked him and hurt him. 

_I don’t have a lot of people for me._

Lukas feels a little sick and he closes his eyes, trying to control his breathing. He doesn’t know what to do. He feels lost, everything strangely amplified now. He stares at the picture and realizes the cuts on their foreheads are strangely similar, almost in the same place. But his life couldn’t be more different than Philip’s. He has plenty of friends. Almost everybody likes him. He’s never been in a fight in school because no one would ever pick on him like that. 

He hates to think of it happening to Philip. Philip, who seems so open and sweet, brave and soft. Those shits probably hate him because he’s gay, because he’s proud of who he is. And then Lukas realizes that the same thing would probably happen to him if people knew. Worse, because people’s tolerance is very low for that kind of thing here.

The more he thinks about it happening to Philip the angrier he gets. He likes him so much. Too much. So much so that it confuses him, makes him wonder if his brain misfired somehow when he first caught sight of Philip’s picture and he’s been running on crazy fumes ever sense. But if this is crazy then he doesn’t want to be sane. He wants to talk to Philip and look at Philip until he’s memorized every bit of him. There’s no subject that interests him more.

Philip asked him if he had a girlfriend. Philip wants to know if he’s single. Lukas has so many emotions running through his head that he kinda feels like he’s gonna explode.

He sighs, taking his phone out of his pocket. He dials Rose’s number. He taps his foot while he waits, and she answers on the second ring.

“Hello, Lukas?”

“Yeah hey, it’s me,” he says, wondering who else she thought it’d be.

“Are you okay?” she asks. “Nothing bad happened at home, right? We were worried, we barely got to see you after. Mom thought you should have gone to the hospital.”

“I’m fine,” Lukas says, pinching the bridge of his nose. He feels a migraine coming on. He looks down at the picture of Philip and sighs to himself. “At home was…bad. I left. He’s mad.”

“Jesus,” Rose says. “I’m sorry, Lukas. You think it’s gonna be okay?” 

“I guess,” Lukas says, but he really has no idea. All this shit with his dad has been coming to a head for a while now, but Philip’s words are sitting in his head now. _I think you should tell your dad that you’d rather go by your own plan._ It’s something he’s wanted to do for so long. To stand up to his dad, to tell him what he wants, who he really is. Philip is braver than he is. But he’s planted the seed. 

Someone else thinks he’s capable of doing it. Someone else, someone important. And maybe that’ll help. 

“I wanna tell you something,” Lukas says to Rose, his chest going tight again.

“What is it?” she asks.

He knows he can tell her anything. He’s in the most secluded part of the library but he keeps his voice down. “You know that pen pal thing the school did for some of the sociology classes?”

“Yeah,” she says. “I don’t think anybody’s signed up for it yet.”

“I did,” Lukas says, eyes darting around to make sure nobody’s listening. “On the first day, actually.”

“Really?” she asks. “Who’d you pick?”

“This uh, this boy,” he says, and tries to imply _extremely attractive, amazing_ in there, too. 

“Oh my God, Lukas,” she says, and he’s so glad she can read his tone. 

“He’s uh, openly…what I am,” Lukas says. “In New York.”

“Oh wow,” Rose says. “Wow. Is there a connection there?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “Big one.” He clears his throat and feels a flush flaring up in his cheeks. He looks at the picture again, anger and protectiveness and want all waring in his head. “You think that’s weird?” he asks. “That I uh…feel something for someone I’ve never met?”

“No,” Rose says, so fast and sure that Lukas almost believes her. “You know, sometimes people are meant to connect. They know immediately that there’s something drawing them together. Maybe that’s this. Maybe this boy in New York has been waiting for you all along.”

“So I’m not crazy?” Lukas asks, laughing a little bit.

“No, babe,” she says, laughing too. “You are not crazy.”

~

He talks to her for a little longer until she has to go to the ice rink to start her shift. Lukas debates on his next move for a couple minutes and then he steels himself, putting Philip’s name into Facebook and looking him up. He finds him fast and his heart catches in his throat. He doesn’t open his page, is too terrified to look like a goddamn creep lurking around, but he stares at his profile picture. A cute black and white picture of Philip standing on a balcony, the New York skyline behind him. He’s got sunglasses on and he’s smiling softly.

He’s one of the most beautiful things Lukas has ever seen. His thumb hovers over _ADD FRIEND_ for what feels like an eternity before he closes the app. He cannot come off like a creep. No way. 

He quickly opens up his notebook and starts his letter to Philip. He plans to overnight it to him, he doesn’t give a shit how much of his allowance it takes. He needs to know he’s okay. And maybe he can get added on Facebook without seeming like a freak.

_9/9/17_

_Dear Philip,_

_First of all, are you okay? Goddamnit, I hate whoever is messing with you at school, I hope they got goddamn expelled. That cut on your forehead looks bad, I hope they took care of it properly. I’m sorry but I kinda wanna teleport over there and beat the shit out of the people who hurt you? Is that weird? I’m sorry if it’s weird. But tell me if you want me to._

_Your pictures are amazing, they’re awesome. Your stuff is so nice. I think they should be in a museum. There are a lot of museums in New York, right? You should have an entire wing of one dedicated to your pictures. I’m serious, they are so good. I don’t know much about photography but I can tell when something is beautiful. But yeah, we both lucked out with this thing for sure. Maybe I will buy you some film? What would you do if I did? I mean you couldn’t waste it, right? :)_

_The graffiti was of a bird, I think it might have been a blue jay. It was so big and there were colors coming off its wings. I’m getting a little sad thinking about it. I wish it was still there. I feel like if something is so gorgeous like that they should just leave it alone._

_I’ve had my current bike for about four years, I had a smaller one before that. I’ve been doing this since I was pretty young, about eleven years old. Dad always pushed it and I liked it, so the rest is kinda history. Please be careful with the traffic! I can’t even imagine._

_I could definitely help you with math. And it’s funny I’m reading you say all this after the shit that happened today. I had a race and I crashed—I’m fine. Got a couple cuts and bruises, a couple dents and chipped paint on the bike—but I lost. Lost bad. Dad of course flies off the handle, saying I’m not taking myself seriously, all this shit. All he wants is for me to be what he wants me to be. So I wish I could tell him I want to go my own way. I really do, and seeing you say it makes me wanna do it even more. But I don’t know. With him it’s gonna take a long time. Assertive and controlling are the perfect words for him. I lost my mom a while ago and he’s been such a shithead since. I really miss her. She evened him out and things were good then._

_Once again, I’m going on and on about things I probably shouldn’t, but I’m glad that it doesn’t bother you. Don’t mean to sound creepy but I feel a sort of connection here? That I don’t really understand? These things are things I don’t really say out loud. They live in my head. I kinda feel like I can tell you anything. I hope you feel the same about me._

_Rose is a senior too, yeah. I’ve known her for almost three years now. She’s pretty awesome. I just told her about you!_

_I’m pretty damn in love with Blue Neighborhood. Fools is my favorite too, but I really love Wild and Talk Me Down. I’ve been listening to the whole thing over and over, thank you, it’s great. Your mom sounds really cool, taking you to old movies in the theater. I love that one too. I also love both of those books! My favorite color is green. I’m also still deciding on my favorite favorite. My favorite movie is probably Die Hard. In terms of books, I love all the Harry Potters and I surprisingly liked The Great Gatsby a lot more than I thought I would. My favorite place is probably the library, where I am right now. I can’t really tell you why. But I also like this one quarry a couple miles away from my house where I can do a lot of jumps. I guess I like quiet places. I think I feel happiest there. Who do I want to meet the most? You._

_Yeah, we should trade selfies. I can take the worst dumbest pictures of myself, I think you’ll enjoy them._

_It is definitely too quiet almost all the time. I spend too much time in my own head. Which is probably another reason why I like writing you so much. Get a little bit into your head too. I want to come to New York. I know I’d like it. I guess I’m popular. I don’t know. I guess. I don’t really like too many people. I feel like I’m being fake with everybody but Rose. And, well, now you too. You’re getting to know the real me._

_I know we haven’t mentioned this before, and I’m sorry for it. Do you think those kids messed with you because you’re gay? Because if that’s the case then you could probably get them in some serious shit. That’s not okay. Not okay at all._

_Once again, fuck those assholes who hurt you, Philip. I’m pissed. I’m sorry it hurts. I don’t want to be a creep but do you want to add me on Facebook?_

_And no, I don’t have a girlfriend. And I don’t want one._

_Hope you’re okay,  
Lukas_

***

September 11, 2017

Philip sits on the couch and rubs at his forehead. He skipped out on school today because he doesn’t feel good, his stomach hurts and his head is pounding and all the 9/11 anniversary stuff at school always makes him sad. He was a baby when it happened so of course he doesn’t remember firsthand, but it’s his city. He sees it everywhere, and he always will. It will never not hurt.

It doesn’t help that the goddamn power company turned their lights off this morning. The air conditioning is out too and they’ve got all the windows open, but the sun is streaming in, and Philip kinda feels like he’s broiling inside his own skin. 

Mom walks around the apartment, one arm crossed over her stomach and the phone pressed to her ear. “Yes, Anne Shea,” she says. “I know—listen, I will pay on Friday as soon as I get my check.”

Philip sighs, narrowing his eyes. He picks at his shirt a little bit to try and get some air running through him. He knows this conversation doesn’t sound good. He pulls up that picture of Lukas he saved on his phone and smiles to himself. Philip zooms in on his smile and sighs a little bit. Jesus, he’s losing his mind.

“Please,” Mom says. “Just til the end of the week, and I’ll even pay half of the next month’s—are you serious? Please, we can’t go five days without power.” She makes a face and then scoffs, pulling the phone back and looking at it. “He hung up on me.”

Philip shifts his mouth to the side. Things were different before rehab. A lot worse. This kind of shit happened a lot more often, and Philip did things on the street that he doesn’t like to think about. He did it on his own, never had anybody managing him or anything. He’d hang out inside gay clubs, proposition guys who looked clean, looked nice, didn’t look like they’d hurt him. He never went all the way with them, not ever, but he did things he’d have rather not done. Things he’d rather do with someone he was attracted to, someone he had feelings for. But that’s how they got money for a while. When Mom went to rehab, when they met Helen and Gabe, Helen found out what he had been doing. She told him she never wanted him to have to do anything like that again. 

He was so goddamn grateful, and he knows it helped his mental health to stop. It horrifies Mom to know it happened, so they don’t really talk about it openly, only in vague terms and not often. It didn’t happen many times, but it was enough. He definitely doesn’t like to think about it. It makes him sick, makes him feel like he’s not himself. But it pops into his head now. His throat hurts and he looks at the picture of Lukas, sighing again.

“Philip,” Mom says, shaking her head at him, like she can read his mind. “It’s fine. Don’t you be thinking anything like I think you’re thinking. I’ll get the money.”

“How?” Philip asks her, his eyes straining a little bit. 

“I just will,” she says, and he knows she’s shacked up with guys who used to buy her things too. She went about it differently than him. But she hasn’t dated anyone since she got out of rehab. He doesn’t like how _I just will_ sounds, and he hates the worry that’s coming from both sides here. He hates how much it costs to live. 

“I’m gonna ask Helen and Gabe,” Philip says. “They already help us with the cell bill—”

Mom shakes her head. “I don’t want to ask them. They just gave us that hundred dollars but it isn’t enough to cover this.”

“Call it a loan,” Philip says, sitting up. 

“It’s fine, Philip,” she says, smiling at him. She walks over and strokes his cheek, grabbing her jacket and purse off the back of the couch. “I’m gonna go out.”

“What are you gonna do?” he asks, his heart shuddering.

“I’m gonna go figure it out.”

“Mom,” he says, swallowing hard. “Just don’t—”

“I’m not gonna do anything bad,” she says, nodding at him and heading for the door. “I have a couple ideas. Legitimate ideas. Just stay in front of the fan and take the medicine and I’ll send you a text when I’m coming back, okay?”

Philip looks at her and nods, trying not to worry too much. He trusts her, he does. But he knows what they’ve both been through. Knows that they’d pretty much do anything to keep the life they’ve made, the life they’re fixing up for themselves. He hates the goddamn power company. He can imagine so many fucking people are a week late without getting their shit turned off. 

“Love you,” he says. 

“Love you more,” she says, winking at him before she breezes out the door. 

Guilt nearly overwhelms him. He should be doing something. He should be taking care of her. He should get a goddamn job whether anyone wants him to or not. He knows she wouldn’t like it. He knows she wants him to focus on school, blah, blah. This is important. Their lives are important.

He tries to clear his head.

He looks down at the picture that’s still up on his phone. He thinks about adding Lukas on Facebook every day. He wonders if it would be weird. He’s not really friends with a lot of people. He’d probably stand out on Lukas’s profile. Maybe Lukas doesn’t want to be friends with a gay kid openly, let anybody know he’s talking to a gay kid. 

Philip clears his throat and wipes some of the sweat off his forehead. He knows he’s concocted half of this situation in his goddamn head. He doesn’t even know if Lukas is gay. He probably isn’t. Maybe. Why would he be just because Philip wants him to be? Who’s ever that lucky?

“But why did he even pick you to begin with?” Philip says to himself, raising his eyebrows and tilting his head a little bit. “It said it right there. Said you were gay right there, Shea.”

He sighs again. He feels like shit and it’s gross and stuffy in here. He stares at the picture. Lukas looks like sunshine. Like the most beautiful bright star in the sky. 

What the hell is happening to him? Philip snorts, sliding down lower on the couch and covering his face with his hands. If Lukas knew he was acting like this he’d probably laugh at him. 

But Philip is positive he was flirting. Philip knows how to flirt and he knows what it looks like and Lukas was definitely flirting.

Maybe Lukas doesn’t know he’s gay? Maybe he does and he’s still unsure how to act? Philip wishes he knew. He wishes it wasn’t so difficult to ask these things. He wishes he just knew. Especially here. Especially with Lukas. 

His phone buzzes and he looks down, sees a message from Gabe. 

_Doing alright?_

Philip doesn’t really know how to answer. He chews on the inside of his cheek and wishes the power would magically come back on. 

_I stayed out of school today, don’t feel so hot. They turned our power off. I kinda thought about not telling you but I don’t wanna lie about it. Mom went out to see if she could do anything about it, but I don’t know what she’s doing._

He sends it and gets up, walking over to grab a water bottle and take two more Tylenol. He downs them fast, hoping they’ll take effect quick. He hears his phone start ringing and he sighs again, feels like today is gonna be the day of a thousand sighs. He walks over and sees it’s Gabe calling, and Philip presses the button to pick it up. 

“Hello?”

“Philip, I can send you some money and you’ll probably have it by tomorrow,” Gabe says. 

“She doesn’t wanna, uh—”

“I know she doesn’t want to bother us, but that’s what friends do,” Gabe says. 

“I already mentioned it to her and she told me not to ask,” Philip says. “So she’d probably be pissed if she found out I said something.”

“I don’t want you sitting around in the dark,” Gabe says. “And it gets cold at night. I know it’s probably hot now but as soon as the sun sets…”

“She said she’s gonna take care of it,” Philip says, his heart dipping a little bit. “I don’t know what the hell that means but like, I trust her, I think…I think it’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure?” Gabe asks. 

“I’ll let you know if it’s not,” Philip says. 

“And you’re sick?” Gabe asks. “Do you need anything?”

“Just under the weather today, I guess,” he says, pacing around the room. “I’ll be okay, I swear.”

“Should we come up?” Gabe asks. “We can.”

“No, no, don’t even worry about it,” Philip says, shaking his head. “Promise, I’ll be okay and I’ll keep you updated. Every sneeze.”

Gabe laughs. “Okay, please. I’ll call you again tonight?”

“Yeah, we’ll be around,” Philip says. 

“Alright, feel better.”

“Thanks,” Philip says. “Bye.”

“Bye bye.”

Philip hangs up and walks back to the couch, but just as he’s doing so he sees the mail lady outside the window. He knows it’s probably too soon to get another letter, but he grabs his key and drops it into his pocket anyway, rushing outside and locking the door behind him.

She smiles when she sees him, shifting her bag around and opening it up. “Nice intercept,” she says. “You out of school today?”

“Not feeling so great,” Philip says, bringing his hand up to his temple and smiling a little bit.

“Yeah, I bet you just didn’t wanna go,” she says, giving him a look.

“Now, what kid doesn’t wanna go to school?” Philip asks, grinning.

“The sass on this one,” she says. She pulls out a couple envelopes and Philip leans over, trying to read the words. “You’ve gotten letters from this name before. Not that I’m looking.” She hands him the pile of letters, a couple of advertisements in there, and Philip’s heart soars when he sees Lukas’s dark scrawl. “You in a long distance romance? Old school?”

“I don’t kiss and tell,” Philip says, in near panic mode because the letter is marked OVERNIGHT DELIVERY and Philip wonders why the hell Lukas would do that. Philip looks at the mail lady and grins. “Thank you!”

“Mmmhm,” she hums, walking over to the set of boxes. 

Philip pushes his way back inside and locks the door behind him. He tosses aside the other mail, barely landing it on the counter, and he sinks down onto the couch. He rips it open and tries not to destroy the envelope in the process.

Philip can’t help himself. He nearly fucking passes out with glee at Lukas’s initial anger at Chad for beating him up. It’s precious and it makes him feel really good. 

Lukas wants his pictures to be in a museum. His little silly Polaroids and Lukas wants them to be in a museum. 

“Idiot,” Philip whispers, smiling to himself. 

But then his heart sinks. Lukas was in an accident. His dad blew up at him. Philip glances up at the date and sees that this was on Saturday. He feels a little sicker than he already did even though Lukas says he’s fine, and then he sees the line about them having a connection. Lukas feels it too. This strange, amazing, intoxicating thing between them. Philip isn’t crazy. He isn’t losing his shit over some guy that isn’t interested in him. He’s losing his shit over a guy who says they have a connection.

_Who do I want to meet the most? You._

Philip feels like he’s gonna pass out. It’s real, this is real, it’s really happening. He can’t misinterpret that. That is something. And then the line about Facebook. Not having a girlfriend. Not wanting one. The phrasing is precise. Distinct. It feels like what he was thinking earlier. That maybe Lukas knows he’s different, knows he’s gay, and he doesn’t quite know what to do about it yet. 

Or maybe he’s getting an idea now. Writing to Philip. Maybe he knows what this connection is. What it means. Philip hopes it doesn’t scare him. But Lukas doesn’t seem scared.

Philip has hope. Despite being here in the dark, feeling like shit, optimism rises in his throat, in his eyes. 

He reads the line about Facebook again. That’s all he needs. He lays the letter flat on his chest and he pulls out his phone, going to the app and finding Lukas’s page on his recent searches. 

He sends him a message.

***

They’re supposed to be doing their chapter three reading in seventh period but Lukas is scrolling through his phone. He thinks he’ll do it later when he gets home. He’s been in a mood since Saturday, and things with his dad have yet to improve. They’re barely talking and Lukas feels fucking sick about it. He doesn’t want to change who he is. But he wants his dad to love him too. 

He sees a message come up in Facebook messenger and he narrows his eyes. He opens the app and sees it as a MESSAGE REQUEST that fell into his OTHER folder. He narrows his eyes and clicks on it, and when he sees who it is he nearly chokes on his own tongue.

He sees Philip’s beautiful face there. A message from Philip. Lukas opens it, his heart raging in his chest. 

_Hey you! Just opened your letter about two seconds ago, and I didn’t really want to wait for a response about this race accident! Need more than a ‘I’m fine’! What’s going on? Then we can get to everything else we need to discuss!_

_You wanna be friends? :)_


	4. Chapter 4

September 11, 2017

Lukas stares at the message forever. The world shifts and turns around him, turns to ice and the sun burns out. He and Philip are the only two people left on the earth. They have to emigrate to a recently colonized Mars. They’re the only ones who remember the earth as it was.

He snaps himself out of eternity and glances up at Mrs. Mercer to make sure she isn’t watching him. She’s still at her desk and he catches sight of the time—he still has thirty goddamn minutes til school is out. He knows he’s one hour ahead of Philip. It weirds him out a little bit, knowing they’re in different time zones. But Lukas doesn’t need to worry about that right now. He needs to write him back.

_Hey! Wow, I know that I asked you to add me but for some reason I didn’t actually expect you would! Gimme a second here—I’m in class still but I’m gonna pull a fast one and drive home._

He clicks send and feels the thirst for more, knows that Philip is right there on the other end of that screen and he wishes they would have done this sooner. It almost feels like too much, too overwhelming, knowing he’s so close. But still so goddamn far.

Lukas clicks on his picture and instead of hovering over the ADD FRIEND button like he’s been doing for weeks, he clicks it instantly. He sees the pending request and stares at it, for another eternity, but really it’s about thirty seconds before he gets a notification that Philip approved the friendship. 

It feels funny. They’ve already felt like friends, friends since that first response. But he clicks on Philip’s profile and is nearly knocked out at having everything available to him now. He clicks on the photo albums and then sees he’s got another message. He clicks over to it.

_Okay :) I’m at home sick so I’m available the rest of the day. Drive safely!_

Lukas narrows his eyes at the word sick and he wants to write back immediately. He starts to but he knows he has to get out of here to have a proper conversation with Philip.

_One sec. I’ll message you soon as I get home._

He gets out of his seat, holding his stomach, and tries to put on his best sick face. He thinks about gross shit like that dog eating throw-up that one time and it sorta does the trick, making him gag. Mrs. Mercer looks up when she sees him and narrows her eyes in concern.

“Lukas,” she says. “Are you alright?”

“I feel awful,” he says, coughing a little bit. “Just—I need to go home. I feel so sick, like…ugh.”

“You drive yourself here, right?” she asks. 

“Yeah,” he says, making himself cough harder. He covers his mouth and closes his eyes, trying to play it up as best as he can.

“You think you can make it home?” she asks, checking her watch. 

“Yeah,” he says. “I just need to—get there. Lay down.”

“Okay,” she says, nodding at him. “Lemme just tell security, go get your things and I’ll let you know when you’re clear.”

“Okay, thank you,” he says, sounding pathetic. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she says, smiling at him, sympathy all over her face.

He turns around and tries not to smirk like the asshole he is, walking back over to his desk. He’s trying to reel himself back from Philip, anxious to say something else to him, but he doesn’t want to leave him hanging, either. He puts his books in his backpack and he sits back down, putting his head on the desk. He texts Rose in his lap. 

_Leaving class early, don’t worry tho I’m fine._

He sends it and opens up the Facebook app again, starting to click through Philip’s pictures. He has a whole album he’s named _New York New York_ and it looks like pictures he’s taken with his phone of places around the city. A Chinese restaurant lit up like New Year’s Eve. A bunch of brick buildings with those stairs on the outside walls like in the movies.

Rose messages him back. _You sure? Wanna meet in the hall?_

_Sure_ he quickly sends back.

“Lukas,” Mrs. Mercer says. He looks up and she nods at him, motioning towards the door. 

He grabs his stuff and holds his phone in his hand, whispering _thank you_ to her on his way out. He gets into the hallway and starts towards the side door, smiling a little bit when he sees Rose skid around the corner holding the giant wooden bathroom pass. 

“Hey, you okay?” she asks, cocking her head at him. 

He walks over to her and takes her arm, pulling her closer. “Philip added me on Facebook and sent me a message, so no more waiting days for letters.” He says it as soft as possible, for fear that someone is listening.

Rose gasps and smacks him in the chest. “That’s awesome, Lukas,” she says, a little too loud.

He shushes her, looking around.

“Oh hush, silly,” she says, smiling. “Are you excited?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, his cheeks heating up. “I’m gonna go home and talk to him.”

“Let me know how it goes,” she says. She gets up on her tiptoes and kisses him on the cheek. He grabs her and pulls her close, wrapping her in a big hug. He’s so glad she knows, he’s so glad he told her. He remembers her face lighting up when he showed her the pictures of Philip, and like every goddamn day of his life, he’s so thankful for her support.

***

Philip’s grandpa used to talk about the old days before the world was so connected. He went to his high school reunion and he hadn’t seen most of them since the day they graduated. He didn’t know what they looked like, didn’t know where they were working or where they were living. Everything was a surprise until he was face to face with it. Philip hasn’t seen him in a couple years now but he’ll never forget his stories about how much the world has changed. How fast information can travel now.

He stares at his phone and thinks he’s sorta been living in the middle of both worlds since he got Lukas’s first letter. Waiting days to hear for him while knowing he was two clicks away if Philip could be bold enough to do it.

But they’ve bridged the gap. Now he’s got Lukas’s entire Facebook at his disposal, and Philip doesn’t waste time, immediately looking through his pictures. All of Lukas’s information, right there for him to see. It’s amazing.

He’s got albums going back to middle school and Philip has to cover his face as to not squeal at little pre-pubescent Lukas sitting in a classroom amongst a group of kids, all wearing hoodies. There’s a bunch of him when he was little and on his first bike, then a bunch of the bike itself and all its different details. 

There’s a few of him and Rose with their arms around each other and Philip narrows his eyes, searching for one of them kissing. But he can’t find one. He analyzes the pictures of the two of them like a lunatic and it seems like Lukas is always a little stiff, half the time looking off to the side and away from the camera. And Philip knows that he’s only called her his _best friend_ when he’s written about her. He said he didn’t have a girlfriend. He said he didn’t want one, Philip reminds himself. 

He doesn’t have a relationship status on his page, and from what Philip can see, neither does she.

That’s when it sorta hits him in stark relief, without any doubts or strings attached or rational thoughts allowed anywhere in the vicinity. Just pure fact, stripped down and laid bare.

He likes Lukas. Romantically. He’s attracted to Lukas. Physically and emotionally. He wants to date Lukas. He wants Lukas to want to date him. Despite how they met, or didn’t meet. Despite how much or how little they know about each other. 

He knew these things before but now he’s letting himself know them. Now he’s allowing them to be his intentions, his endgame. Mom always says he deserves a nice boy and Lukas is a nice boy. Lukas is the nice boy that he wants. Philip doesn’t fucking get it, doesn’t get why it had to be a boy in Oklahoma who will probably be impossible to meet. Who isn’t openly gay. Who might not be gay at all. 

“But I’m pretty sure he fucking is,” Philip says to himself, at war with his own brain.

But this is it, now. He’s resolute. This is what he wants, what he wants to pursue. He nods to himself, drawing in a breath, feeling both brave and stupid at the same time. But he won’t question himself anymore. Won’t question this, what they’re doing. He knows what he feels. Knows it like he knows his own face or his mother’s laugh. 

And now he’s wondering when the hell Lukas is gonna get home. He knows he’s good on his bike but he also knows he just recently got into an accident. But that was in a race, so it should be fine.

“Chill, Philip,” Philip says out loud to himself.

He waits around for what feels like years.

He knows there are things he should be doing despite being sick. He needs to go to the laundromat, to wash both his and his mom’s clothes. There’s a shelf in her room he’s been meaning to fix. He needs to clean out the fridge and the cabinets. And he needs—

His phone buzzes and he looks down, sees he has a notification on Facebook messenger. 

_Alright I’m home. You’re sick??? Why?? With what??_

Philip snorts. He gets up as he’s typing, making the well-worn trip to his bedroom. He plops down on his bed, still so sweltering hot.

_Think it’s some kind of bug. I have a headache, my stomach hurts, I’m all sweaty. Well, that’s also because our power is out._

He puts his phone aside to open up his window, flopping back down on the bed. His phone buzzes again and he grins, trying not to be too fucking excited.

_Too much happening! You’re sick and your power is out? Why?? What’s happening??_

Philip really likes all these ridiculous punctuation marks.

_Well, sad sap time, but they turned off the power because we didn’t pay the bill. My mom is out trying to figure it out but I don’t know what’s gonna happen. She doesn’t get paid again until Friday._

He sends it and he’s instantly terrified that it looks like he’s asking for money. He adjusts his pillow behind his head and feels kinda pukey all of a sudden, but he doesn’t want to say it in case Lukas wasn’t even thinking it. 

_Jesus, I’m sorry. Is there anywhere you can go?_

Philip sighs, relieved. _No, don’t worry about it. I think we’re gonna be okay. Now please, enough about me—you’re okay, right? The accident?_

He doesn’t like thinking about it. Lukas getting hurt on his bike, something he values so much, something that makes him feel safe. He looks out his window and sees a little blue bird land on the sill, sitting there and flitting about for a minute before it flies away.

_I’m okay, I swear. Bumps and bruises. Whole thing was I was in second place and trying to overcome the leader, but I took the turn too wide and wasn’t ready for the jump that came right after. So I couldn’t get up the hill and my bike came down on top of me._

Philip winces reading it.

_God, I’m sorry, Lukas. It didn’t hurt you more than bumps and bruises?_

He hears a noise and he looks up, thinking his mom might be home. But the house stays still and no one comes through the door, so he sits back a little bit. He watches the three little dots that mean Lukas is typing, and Philip tries to picture him. Wonders where he is. Wonders if he’s in his bed too.

_No, my bike and I have a special relationship—it will never hurt me ;)_

Philip laughs out loud. He doesn’t laugh a whole lot, and when he does it makes him think about it. He and his mom have a good time but nowadays it’s tentative, like something might come around the corner and hurl them back into more difficult times.

_But the shit with my dad at home was worse_ Lukas messages.

_What happened?_ Philip says quickly. 

The dots come up as Lukas starts typing again and Philip doesn’t know if this is better or worse. The waiting with the letter writing was something he’d been used to. A latent kind of impatience that comes with being alive, where other things distract him and maybe, just maybe if he focuses hard enough on them, the thing he really wants will come sooner. _In no time_ as his mom says, has always said, tipping his chin up and ruffling his hair like she always does, ever since he remembers. 

But here and now he stares at the dots and tries to picture Lukas again. He’s worried about what he’s gonna read.

The big paragraph comes through. 

_Well, like I said in my letter before, dad wants it to be motocross for me. My life. He wants me to make a name for myself and make money this way and have it be my career. Which I haven’t really…started on yet. At all. I don’t know, it was my fun thing to do and I liked it but I almost feel as if he’s taking it away from me by treating it like this. But anyway he flipped his lid and acted like he was gonna hit me so I backed up and knocked into the side table and broke a frame of a picture of my mom. It sucked. I still have the picture but I haven’t replaced the frame yet. I’m hiding it from him because he doesn’t deserve it._

Philip runs a hand through his hair and chews on his lower lip. He quickly writes out a reply, a barrage of memories running through his mind. He hears a couple loud car horns in the distance and he coughs a little bit, but his headache is basically gone. 

_Lukas, I’m so sorry. That isn’t fair to you and it fucking sucks because I know how you feel about riding your bike. Don’t let him steal it from you, if something is your freedom then that’s yours and yours alone._

He sends it and thinks for a moment about typing up the next message, but he goes ahead and does it anyway. He briefly imagines Lukas looking at his dots typing and wonders if he’s picturing him, too. 

_I, well…my mom’s boyfriends used to hit me on occasion. So I know what the fear of that is. It isn’t good, even if he just threatens it. I’m sorry. Keep the picture with you._

Philip blows out a sigh and gets out of bed. Half of the apartment reminds him of what came before rehab, the life that feels steeped in darkness and worry and pain. The five men that came in and out of his life like ghosts. The father he never knew. He doesn’t like to think about it because they made it past it. Because they’re on their way up now. Because back when it was fresh and he cried in Helen’s arms he didn’t think he’d ever be able to keep the memories at bay. Didn’t think he’d be able to move on and try to live their version of a normal life.

_I’m sorry that happened to you. It shouldn’t. No one should touch you._

He gets the message when he’s walking to the kitchen and he smiles at the note of protectiveness so clear and bright as day.

_I’m so happy you liked Blue Neighborhood_ he messages back, eager to change the subject. He walks over to the fridge and opens it, wondering if they’ll be able to get the power back on in time to salvage most of it. He closes it again and puts his phone on the counter, reaching for a trash bag out of the cabinet.

His phone buzzes. 

_I love it. I actually just put it on. Dad isn’t here so sometimes I like to dance around the house, swaying around like an idiot when he can’t see me._

Philip finds himself smiling, staring down at the message. It’s immediately followed up by a winking face, which sends his stomach plummeting. 

_You got any more music recs?_ Lukas asks. 

_You like Cigarettes after Sex?_ Philip types, and sends it. Then he almost pukes and his eyes bug out of his head and his heart stops beating. _The band. THEBAND._

Another eternity passes and he wants to jump off a bridge. But then his phone buzzes in his hand.

_:D_  
_No. Haven’t heard anything of theirs. I’m very behind, you’re gonna have to educate me._

“You’re gonna kill me, Waldenbeck,” Philip says out loud, putting his phone down for a second to shake out the garbage bag.

~

He takes out everything that’s expired and almost dies about ten times, three due to mold and seven due to Lukas. They talk about everything. The places they like to eat most in town (“ _they spin the dough right in front of your face and one time a new guy hit me with it but it was still awesome._ ”) They talk about shit that happens in their schools (“ _and then the streaker ran across the football field and all the security guards were like, running after him but not tackling him because they didn’t want to actually touch him, LOL_ ”) and Philip can hardly stop laughing. They talk about action movies, which Lukas loves a lot more than Philip does (“ _you’ve gotta see Mission Impossible. I’m not kidding. I’m gonna send you YouTube links of the theme song until you do it_ ”) and then they have a debate about Harry Potter for a lot longer than Philip could have anticipated. They’re still having it by the time he’s done with the fridge, and he walks outside to throw out the trash, already triple-bagged and seeping. They really need to get out of the habit of keeping food until it’s completely unusable. 

_If Sirius had been able to raise Harry nothing bad would have happened to him! He would have taught him everything he knew!_

Philip snorts reading the message, walking back and around his complex. He holds his phone close to his chest like a precious gold bar, and he hurls the bag into trash bin. It sends him back a little bit and he feels his phone buzz again. 

_Don’t you stop answering! Admit Sirius Black is the best character in the Harry Potter universe! I’m not gonna threaten you with not speaking to you if you don’t because it’d be a lie._

Philip laughs out loud again, heading back to his house. 

_Hagrid will always be my favorite. I like Sirius too. Siriusly._

He sends it. He walks back, his heart in his throat the whole way. No dots. No typing. He’s officially made a stupid joke and driven Lukas away. He groans, opening the door and getting back inside, sliding down to the floor against it. 

“You’re dumb!” Philip groans. “No word puns.”

His phone buzzes in his hand. It’s a laughing face.

_Sorry. I dropped my phone._

_I died_ Philip sends, and once again regrets how his fingers and his mind work in cahoots against his sensibility. 

_Don’t worry, I know CPR_ Lukas says back, and Philip dies again.

~

He starts to fix the shelf in his mom’s room but he’s so bad at this shit that he gives up halfway through, because he’s probably made it worse and because he and Lukas are starting to get into serious territory. He feels like Lukas is on the verge of admitting the gay thing but he won’t dare push him, won’t dare assume to choose the moment for him.

“If there even is something for him to say,” Philip mutters, but then he reminds himself. No doubt. No more doubt. He knows what he knows, and this isn’t anything but what it is. He’s never been surer of anything else.

_Do they bully you because you’re gay a lot?_

It’s another thing he doesn’t like to think about, but he’ll talk about it for Lukas. The kids in school have known he’s gay since freshman year. He doesn’t try to hide it because his mom always encouraged him to be himself, and he doesn’t like the idea of secrets. Though he gets it, really gets why people would want to stay in the closet. The rest of the world is such a piece of shit when it comes to stuff like this, stuff that has nothing to fucking do with them.

_Yeah, a lot. Makes the other guys question their masculinity having me around, I guess. The girls are nice to me though. None of them are close friends, but they’re nice._

_Girls are a lot easier to talk to than boys, normally. Except you, obviously._

Philip smiles at how fast the response comes. _We do have a connection, it’s uh, goddamn amazing, really. I’m glad we found each other since it’s clear we both have a hard time opening up. I pretty much only talk to my mom._

He sighs, wondering where she is and what she’s doing. It’s been way too long. He thinks about calling the store to see if she’s there. Maybe she picked up a shift and they’re gonna give her cash. He doesn’t know if it works that way. 

_I pretty much only talk to Rose. But yeah, I really do feel like I can tell you anything, which is really cool. I guess this is extra extra credit?? :D_

Philip snorts. _Yeah, we should get more points for this!_

He doesn’t say that talking to Lukas is better than any good grades. Better than the best day at school could ever be.

~

He takes more Tylenol and sits in the bathroom for a while. It’s like a hotbox in there, even worse than the rest of the house, and it’s clearing his sinuses. But it’s getting dark out and he knows it’s gonna get colder soon, which, at the moment, almost seems like a good thing. But he knows it’s gonna suck once it’s actually happening. Their heat doesn’t work half the time, but at least they usually have the goddamn option. Gabe texts him asking how he’s doing, and Philip tells him he’s better. Because it isn’t exactly a lie. He always says the sunsets breathe new life into him, but Lukas is making him feel like a real person. Real, valued, important. Not like a ghost in his own life.

_Is your power back on yet?_

He smiles down at his phone. He loved the letters because they felt special, old-school, personal, but he thinks he loves this even more. It’s almost like they’re together.

_Not yet :( Mom isn’t home yet either._

He gets up off the floor and heads back into the living room. His stomach is rumbling and he’s only had chips and pickles today, which isn’t the weirdest combination he’s ever made. He sits on the couch and watches the sun get lower and lower in the sky through his front window, scattering a cascade of pink over the city.

_UGH! I’m coming over there, I’m gonna steal power from the closest evil corporation. I’m sure there’s one nearby._

Philip laughs, grinning. _Who are you, Batman?_ He smiles serenely as he watches the colors in the sky. He’s sick and he feels gross and he’s a mixture of hot and cold. He’s worried about his mom and his forehead still hurts from Chad’s deformed knuckles, even though it’s been a while since the fight. But he feels good. He’s happy. He looks down and sees he has another message. 

_I think that sounds more like a Robin Hood move. I’ll steal you a pizza and a cheesecake on my way too. An entire cheesecake._

Philip sits back on the couch and chews on his lower lip. _So I get to meet you, get my power back, and two of my favorite foods? Ideal situation. Let’s put this plan into action._

His heart shudders a little bit and he wonders if it was too intimate. 

_I’m on my way :D (I wish.)_

Philip thought he had feelings before. But after today everything is different. Everything. He types another message. 

_For real though, New York is awesome. I know you want to go to a big city and this is the perfect one. There’s so much to do, so many tourist destinations that are fun and important at the same time. The view from the top of the Empire State Building is to die for._

The door opens beside him and his heart lurches. His mom pushes her way inside holding two pizza boxes, and she beams at him. 

“So we’re gonna have one powerless night,” she says. “But I’m gonna go into the office and pay them tomorrow.” She walks over to the counter and puts the pizzas down, patting her pocket and nodding at him.

“You got the money?” Philip asks, looking at her warily. 

“Yeah,” she says, and sounds a little breathless. 

“How?” he asks, his mind going places he doesn’t want it to go. 

She looks at him and he sees disappointment in her eyes, and it makes him feel guilty. But then she manages a smile. “I went to see Frank, okay,” she says. Her sponsor. Philip wilts a little bit against the back of the couch, nodding. 

“Why did you wanna borrow from him and not Helen and Gabe?” Philip asks.

“Because we borrow from them too much,” Mom says. “We lean on them way too much. I know they’re our close friends but I don’t want to take advantage. They could easily get sick of us and just tell us to take a hike.”

“They won’t, Mom,” Philip says, feeling a little pang in his heart at that. “They love us.”

“I know, sweetie, but it’s good to go to Frank sometimes,” she says. “He was happy I reached out to him about it.”

“Okay,” Philip says. His phone buzzes and he realizes it has been buzzing, over and over.

He looks down at it.

_It sounds amazing, definitely something I need to do. I need to!_  
_Hey, you okay?_  
_You there?_

He types out a quick response. _Sorry, Mom just got home. One sec._

“Have you eaten anything?” Mom asks.

_Everything okay?_

“Just some chips and things,” Philip says. He gets up and walks over to her, still clutching his phone in his hand. “So everything’s…okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just annoying I couldn’t make it in time today but I’m gonna go first thing tomorrow,” she says. She gets two paper plates out of their plastic and opens the pizza boxes. “Got you mushrooms this time, like you like.”

“Thanks,” he says, smiling a little bit and leaning on the counter. His phone buzzes again and he looks at the message.

It’s an array of emojis. The one with the thermometer in its mouth, the two eyes, then the monkey covering it’s eyes. Then there’s two motorcycles and the square with the city skyline. Philip smiles, staring down at it. 

“What’s that?” Mom says, glancing down at Philip’s phone and then at his face. “You talking to someone?”

He sends three smiley faces so Lukas doesn’t have to wait.

“Uh,” he says, and he knows there’s no reason not to tell her. “You know those letters I’ve been getting?” he asks, glancing up at her. 

“I may or may not have taken a good look at the name,” Mom says, putting a piece of pizza on both of their plates. “Lukas, was it?”

“Yeah,” Philip says, his mouth twitching up a little bit more. “Lukas.”

Mom hums a little bit and picks a pepperoni off her slice, raising her eyebrows at him. “You’re texting with him now?” she asks.

“Facebook messenger,” Philip says, watching Lukas’s three dots come up again. “We’ve been, uh—we’ve been talking all day.”

“Mhm, what else?” Mom says, reaching out and nudging his shoulder. 

“I, uh,” Philip says, laughing a little bit. 

_Hope I’m not bothering you! I know I’m annoying!_

“Yeah, I like him,” Philip says. “A lot. I know that might be weird—”

“It isn’t weird,” Mom says, fast. 

“I don’t even know if he’s gay for sure,” Philip says, his eyes straining a little bit. No tears, no goddamn tears, there is no reason for tears.

“Is he flirting with you?” she asks, eyes focused on him. 

“Yeah,” Philip says, shrugging. “But maybe it’s—maybe—” He doesn’t know what he’s thinking. Lukas said Philip knows the real him. And Philip believes him. But he knows what it is to be hurt. And he thinks he may already be in too deep. He clears his throat and types another message.

_Not bothering me! You’ve made my damn day._

“Sometimes it takes time for people,” Mom says. “But if he’s flirting with you he’s obviously interested. So just—I know you. Don’t doubt it. Let yourself have it. You deserve happiness, sweetheart, you know you do.”

“He’s in Oklahoma,” Philip says, tilting his head back a little bit. “Pretty damn far.”

“So?” Mom says, shaking her head. “Philip, if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.”

His phone buzzes again and he looks down at it. 

_Hey…you know what? I’m not the biggest fan of Facebook messenger, it makes my phone run so slow. You think I could get your number?_

***

Lukas doesn’t know what crazy-ass part of himself sent that message but now he’s left with the consequences. He was hungry for the rest of his sandwich a few moments before but now it’s sitting on his bedside table unattended because his heart is in his throat and he can’t stop staring at his phone.

“Goddamn idiot,” Lukas whispers. “Crazy, just…asking him crazy shit.”

Dad is downstairs and they haven’t talked all day. He hasn’t ridden save for going to school and coming home. He’s been in a bubble of Philip, a world of Philip, soft and funny and sweet, and so many times today he’s been close to telling him. _I’m gay too. I like you. I’m gay and I like you. I like you so much._ But he never said it because he’s stupid, cowardly. He hopes his words and actions speak for themselves. 

But goddamn he doesn’t want to cross any boundaries or be weird. Be creepy. 

He likes him so much. So damn much. He’s never felt like this before. 

He drops his head into his hands and groans. He wishes his mom was here. He wishes he could talk to her about it, about being gay and managing to fall for someone who isn’t in the same damn state. He’s always gotta be difficult. Always gotta be abnormal. He has her picture on the bedside table leaning against the lamp, and he looks past the abandoned sandwich and into her eyes.

He wishes she could hear him. He used to talk to her photos until his dad told him to stop, and then he used to do it in his head. 

“How do I handle this?” he asks, laughing a little bit. “Mom?”

His phone buzzes in his lap and he whips his head back fast as he can move.

_347-835-6595 :)_

He lets out a noise that’s half a gasp and half a sob. He copies the number, closing messenger and opening up a new text message. He pastes the number at the top and composes a text, happiness bursting out of every part of him. 

_Much better :D_

And this is better. More intimate than before. He only has about ten numbers in his phone and this is already his new favorite. 

His favorite favorite.

_Hey there stranger :)_ Philip says back. 

Lukas’s heart honest to God flutters in his chest. He eagerly types out a reply. _Hey, take a picture of yourself so I can make it your contact photo. I’ll do the same!_

He closes the app and opens the camera. He turns it into selfie mode and tries to be chill, tries to look cool, tries not to look like he’s falling head over heels because goddamnit he’s falling head over heels and he _needs_ to look cool. He smiles a little bit and thinks of Philip. He looks at it and he’s pretty happy with it, and he knows if he tries to take another one he’ll be doing it all night.

He gets a text. It’s a photo. He guesses it’s Philip right now, because he’s somewhere dark, looks like his kitchen. His nose is a little red and he’s smiling and he’s the cutest thing Lukas has ever seen. 

_It’s dark but I hope you can still see me!_

Lukas sends his photo too, in a daze.

He can see Philip brighter than he’s ever seen anyone before. It simultaneously terrifies him and makes him feel like the luckiest guy in the world.

_Well look at you :)_

_It’s so dark! I’m angry for you! But I can see you. I can see you really well. Now where were we?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the messages, the time included is attributed to the first person that is shown :)

September 14th 2017 7:03 A.M.

_Lukas: Good morning! Is it cold there today?_  
_Philip: Morning :) it’s ridiculous, seeping through the walls. It’s officially wintertime!_  
_Lukas: no way! It’s just September…_  
_Philip: as soon as it gets cold it’s winter!_  
_Lukas: I’m cold all the time because my dad keeps the stupid temperature in the house at like sixty because he’s a crazy person :(_  
_Philip: Lukas! It’s covert Robin Hood mission time!_  
_Philip: Don’t let it stay that way!_  
_Lukas: Robin Hood takes!_  
_Philip: Yeah! Take the cold air!_  
_Lukas: LOL_  
_Lukas: You’re silly. But yes._  
_Lukas: How’s school?_  
_Philip: Just got here. Waiting for class to start. All the student government kids are putting up homecoming signs everywhere._  
_Lukas: Homecoming dance?_  
_Philip: yeah_  
_Lukas: Oh we’re probably having that too but I’m not going_  
_Philip: how come?_  
_Lukas: no interest, Rose always goes with her girlfriends. The kids here bother me about not showing up at the dances but honestly that makes me want to go even less :)_  
_Philip: :)_  
_Lukas: You think you’d want to go if you had someone to go with?_  
_Philip: mmmaybe, but then again I don’t know. Probably couldn’t show up with a dude as my date and expect people to act normal_  
_Lukas: right. People suck_

10:52 A.M.

_Lukas: and I just kept running_  
_Philip: LOL YOU JUST KEPT RUNNING??_  
_Lukas: :D_  
_Lukas: yeah. And they just kept chasing me._  
_Philip: did they catch you???_  
_Lukas: yeah, that’s why I wound up in internal suspension_  
_Philip: you are ridiculous. That is ridiculous._  
_Lukas: I know. I don’t deny it. You?_  
_Philip: Never. I don’t ever do anything wrong. I’m a very good boy._  
_Lukas: Yeah right! Nothing ever?_  
_Philip: I got detention once for sleeping in class but that’s it_  
_Lukas: does that have a story behind it?_  
_Philip: I stayed up all night watching I love Lucy? Not lying. I’m sorry I’m lame._  
_Lukas: Priorities! I love that show!_

5:33 PM

_Philip: what did he say?_  
_Lukas: ‘do you want to go to dinner tomorrow night?’ ugh dad date_  
_Philip: omg don’t say that_  
_Lukas: well!_  
_Lukas: that’s what it is and it’s terrible_  
_Philip: I guess he’s trying to make it up to you? that this whole no talking thing has been going on for so long?_  
_Lukas: we sorta talked earlier_  
_Philip: when you were practicing?_  
_Lukas: yeah_  
_Philip: you didn’t say that_  
_Lukas: yeah bc it was stupid and now I have a dad date! Ugh!_  
_Philip: LOL stop saying that you’re killingme_  
_Lukas: :D_  
_Lukas: D:_  
_Philip: just order the biggest best thing there and it’ll be worth it_  
_Lukas: I’ll just be texting you the whole time_

11:49 PM

_Lukas: and you’re gonna be fine?_  
_Philip: yes definitely_  
_Lukas: okay I’m passing out_  
_Philip: me too_  
_Lukas: old grandpas_  
_Lukas: :D_  
_Lukas: worse for you tho >:(_  
_Lukas: almost one there!!_  
_Philip: LOL wait for the weekend I’ll be texting you at four in the morning…three for you_  
_Lukas: okay I’ll be waiting_  
_Philip: talk tomorrow?_  
_Lukas: of course! Sleep good_  
_Philip: you too!_  
_Lukas: goodnight :)_  
_Philip: goodnight :)_

 

September 17th 3:42 AM

_Philip: and then I got sucked in_  
_Lukas: I do that shit all the time omfg_  
_Philip: yeah?_  
_Lukas: yeah. The other day I fell into one of those Wikipedia holes and I was looking up all this shit about the british monarchy_  
_Philip: LOL_  
_Philip: why that of all things_  
_Lukas: I couldn’t remember if queen Victoria was related to Elizabeth the first and then I just started clicking on shit and now I know everything about everything_  
_Philip: omg_  
_Lukas: have you seen that movie the king’s speech?_  
_Philip: that is absolutely not something I would have thought you’d seen_  
_Lukas: it’s good!!_  
_Philip: yeah it’s good but you like these mindless action movies_  
_Lukas: mission impossible is not mindless! You are terrible!_  
_Philip: :)_  
_Lukas: when are you gonna watch it?_  
_Philip: omg_  
_Lukas: when!_  
_Philip: are you gonna send me your illegally downloaded file_  
_Lukas: why you gotta say it like that??_  
_Philip: :D_  
_Lukas: tomorrow_  
_Philip: okay!_  
_Lukas: yeah?? We can watch it together_  
_Philip: at the same time?_  
_Lukas: yes_  
_Philip: okay good that makes this more exciting_  
_Lukas: LOL_

 

September 20th 2017

Philip sits on a bench in Central Park and swings his legs back and forth. He has a smoothie in one hand and his phone in the other, the message with Lukas open and active. He feels good. He watches a band playing Beatles songs and he wishes he had some money to give them. His mom always waltzes around the house singing Beatles songs, and she goes on and on about her crush on Paul McCartney.

_Love, love me do_  
_You know I love you_  
_I'll always be true_  
_So please, love me do_  
_Whoa, love me do_

_Love, love me do_  
_You know I love you_  
_I'll always be true_  
_So please, love me do_  
_Whoa, love me do_

_Someone to love_  
_Somebody new_  
_Someone to love_  
_Someone like you_

Lukas messages him again. _You still in the park? Don’t you have to catch your train?_

 _I’ll be okay_ Philip writes back to him. _You like the Beatles?_

 _I’ve heard the big ones_ Lukas answers.

Philip takes a video of the rest of the song and sends it to him, smiling to himself. He’s reminded of Lukas by every romantic song he hears, everywhere, always. It makes him feel a little crazy.

Because it isn’t just music. It’s everything. Literally every single thing reminds him of Lukas. The way the trees sway in the wind. The paint in the hallways at school. The art in The Met. The new sunflowers blooming next to the bench he’s sitting on.

 _What a nice day you’re having :)_ Lukas says. _Wish I was there :(_

Philip sighs. _Me too._

 

September 24th 2017 9:53 PM

_Lukas: I just see clouds_  
_Philip: ugh really? It’s really starry here_  
_Lukas: I’m surprised because I thought the city lights would mess it all up_  
_Philip: I’m not too close to all that :)_  
_Lukas: You can see stars?_  
_Philip: yeah, the big dipper and everything_  
_Lukas: ugh I’m mad_  
_Philip: what do your clouds look look?_  
_Philip: look like*_  
_Lukas: you mean like shapes?_  
_Philip: yeah_  
_Lukas: a cow_  
_Philip: LOL_  
_Lukas: I’m serious, spots and everything_  
_Lukas: a family of cows_  
_Philip: beautiful_

 

September 28th 2017 2:14 PM

_Lukas: you home yet?_  
_Lukas: nervous about you and the traffic!_  
_Lukas: those people out there are crazy!_  
_Lukas: ugh_  
_Lukas: I’m just gonna keep texting you til you respond_  
_Lukas: but don’t pick up while you’re riding your bike >:(_  
_Lukas: the Mexican pizza today was sublime_  
_Lukas: sublime I say_  
_Lukas: my life has been so much better since I started buying at school_  
_Philip: omg you’re ridic_  
_Philip: I’m home_  
_Lukas: :D_  
_Lukas: I hate our time difference_  
_Philip: it’s just an hour it could be worse_  
_Lukas: I can’t even imagine worse_  
_Lukas: this is the worst already_  
_Philip: I’m glad your pizza was good_  
_Lukas: me too pizza is very important_  
_Philip: among the most important things_  
_Lukas: I’m glad we’re on the same page_  
_Philip: :)_  
_Lukas: :)_

 

October 5th 2017

Lukas doesn’t visit his mom’s grave a lot, but he wanted to go there with the specific intention of telling her about Philip. His dad hasn’t gone in a long time, way too long, if he really thinks about it, and Lukas was starting to get antsy about not visiting her. He hates riding up in here on his bike so he always shuts the engine down as soon as he gets into the gate, searching for a spot closest to where he needs to go. 

He sits now, arranging the daisies by the headstone. It’s quiet here, especially when there’s no one else visiting. She doesn’t have nearly enough flowers so he bought three bouquets.

“Philip is really, really great, Mom,” Lukas says, his voice cracking. “But he, uh—well, I’m sure he knows. He’s not dumb. But we don’t say it and that’s dumb because we could be talking…a lot differently than we’re talking.” He laughs a little bit but sighs at himself. He’d rather be calling Philip baby. He’d rather be talking about how much he wants to kiss him. He wants to react to every selfie with heart eyes. He wants to talk soft and tender to him.

He’s too much of a damn coward to tell him. Too much of a fucking coward.

The wind ruffles the flowers a little bit, and one blows back into his hand.

He chews on his lower lip and looks back up at the headstone. “You’d like him so much,” he says. “He—he makes me act like myself. I feel more….real with him.”

His phone buzzes in his pocket. Of course, it’s Philip.

_I hope the sky is blue, I hope you’re alone without anyone disturbing you, and I hope the day is beautiful._

Lukas’s breath catches in his throat. 

 

October 9th 2017 2:32 PM

_Lukas: I’m so fucking angry_  
_Philip: don’t be, please_  
_Lukas: this fucking kid was suspended and he comes back and he attacks you again? They need to fucking get rid of him, Philip_  
_Philip: you know what I’d have to do_  
_Lukas: they shouldn’t put it all on you. it’s 3:30 there, right?_  
_Philip: yeah_  
_Lukas: sorry I get confused sometimes, ugh_  
_Lukas: you’re home?_  
_Philip: yeah I made it a couple minutes ago_  
_Lukas: they should just expel his bitch ass_  
_Lukas: he’s gonna wind up being a fucking wife beater when he gets married_  
_Lukas: does he have a girlfriend?_  
_Philip: I think so_  
_Philip: I don’t know_  
_Philip: I don’t really pay attention to him unless he’s trying to hurt me_  
_Lukas: ugh I’m so goddamn fucking mad_  
_Philip: it’s okay_  
_Lukas: it’s not_  
_Lukas: I don’t want people hurting you_  
_Philip: :)_  
_Philip: I appreciate it okay?_  
_Philip: it’s okay_  
_Philip: I’m okay_  
_Lukas: I saw the picture. You have a black eye. It has to hurt._  
_Philip: it’s fine_  
_Lukas: it’s not fine_  
_Lukas: it’s not fine it’s not okay_  
_Lukas: I wish I could do something I feel so_  
_Lukas: useless_  
_Philip: you’re not_  
_Philip: you’re the best and my favorite_  
_Philip: I wouldn’t get through any of my days if it wasn’t for you_  
_Philip: okay?_  
_Philip: :)_  
_Lukas: :(_  
_Philip: :) :)_  
_Lukas: you’re my favorite too_

 

October 11th 2017

Philip sits across from his mom in the diner and he sips on his strawberry milkshake, his phone on the table next to his basket of fries.

“So the customer tipped you?” Philip asks, looking up into his mom’s eyes.

“Yep, ten dollars for loading her car,” Mom says. She takes a bite of her burger and she looks happier than normal, very vibrant and lively. “She said her daughter just left for college and—” She clears her throat and looks down, her face falling. “Well. She was having a day and she liked me, so I lucked out. I didn’t tell the boss so I got to keep it.”

Philip catches every little gesture when college comes up. He looks down when his phone buzzes and he sees a selfie of Lukas, gritting his teeth. He’s in front of his bike and in the next picture, that comes a second later, he’s putting his helmet on.

_Gonna go ride for a bit—brb_

“Mom,” Philip says, leaning over to send a smiley face to Lukas so he’ll know he got the message. “College—I know you wish I could go.”

“I know,” she says. “I wish—I feel guilty that we can’t afford it.”

“My grades aren’t amazing,” Philip says, eating a fry. “And if I take the SAT’s—”

“You have to,” Mom says, widening her eyes at him. “College now or not, you need those scores just in case you want to go later on.”

“It’s fifty dollars to take it,” Philip says, narrowing his eyes. 

“It’s fine,” Mom says. “I’m putting money aside.”

He rubs at the inside of his wrist, feeling his heartbeat speed up a little bit. “I think I’m gonna take a job at the library down the street from school,” Philip says.

Mom instantly looks like he’s smacked her across the face. 

“Just for like, two hours after school,” he says. “During the week. It opens up in November and they’re closed on holidays.” He’d already told Lukas and Lukas sounded less than thrilled, citing Mom’s feelings since he knew about them, and then his own. He just hoped Philip would be able to sneak a few text messages while he was at work. 

“I guess so, Philip,” Mom says, taking a sip of her coke. “I guess.”

“It won’t be the end of the world,” Philip says. “Promise.” He really likes the idea of having his own money. Of being able to take her out every once in a while. Of being able to send Lukas presents if he wants to. Of being able to save for the future.

“Mhm.”

Philip grins at her and looks down at his phone. He blows up the picture of Lukas before he put his helmet on and gazes at it, smiling to himself.

“How’s he doing?” Mom asks, in that sing-song voice she uses whenever they talk about Lukas.

“Good,” Philip says, still looking at him. “His dad is acting normal again. He’s got a race on Saturday he signed up for himself so he feels good about it.”

“Great,” Mom says. 

Philip stares at Lukas’s face and tries not to sigh too audibly. 

“You really like him, don’t you?” Mom asks. “Like really really?”

“Yeah,” Philip says, eyes darting up to her face. “Yeah, I—yeah, really, really.”

 

October 14th 2017 12:45 PM

_Philip: you’re gonna be amazing_  
_Lukas: you sure? That’s rare for me_  
_Philip: shut up, you’re constantly amazing_  
_Lukas: :)_  
_Lukas: I’ll text you immediately after_  
_Philip: you better_

2:14 PM

_Philip: phew I wish there was damn footage of this on the internet or something_  
_Philip: :)_  
_Philip: one day I’ll get to watch you race!_  
_Philip: know you’re doing great!_  
_Philip: I hate our time difference toooooooo_

4:08 PM

_Lukas: Second place :)_  
_Philip: really???? That’s AMAZING, Lukas!_  
_Lukas: :)_  
_Lukas: I’m happy_  
_Lukas: the guy that beat me has been doing this for like eight hundred years so dad is pretty proud of me, I was only a few seconds behind_  
_Philip: that’s so great, I’m so happy_  
_Lukas: wish you were here!_  
_Philip: me too_

 

October 17th 2017 11:02 AM

_Lukas: ahhh I got a 55%_  
_Philip: oh no_  
_Lukas: :( :( :(_  
_Philip: :(_  
_Philip: you think you’ll be able to pull your grade back up?_  
_Lukas: yeah I just gotta get B’s or above on all the damn quizzes lol_  
_Philip: you’re doing better in history though right?_  
_Lukas: yes :) because of you_  
_Lukas: your notes are so good_  
_Philip: I try_

 

October 19th 2017

Lukas is walking through the mall, trailing a little bit behind his dad. Dad rarely goes to see his sisters but when he does he always makes it into this big production. It’s Aunt Lisa’s birthday and the other two are gonna be there as well, so he’s gonna get small things for them, too. He doesn’t ever bring his brothers anything, which Lukas doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t plan on questioning it. He’s always half terrified Dad is actually gonna make him go to one of these things. The last time he went was when Mom was alive, and he doesn’t think he could take the questions now.

_Are you going to college, Lukas?_

_Do you have a girlfriend, Lukas?_

_How are you coping with the death of your mother, Lukas?_

Dad looks in a shop window and sighs, frustrated. 

Lukas looks in one too and sees a leather jacket Philip would look amazing in. He’s always wearing that one that belonged to his grandpa and Lukas thinks he looks amazing in that too. But he basically always looks amazing and Lukas is a little freaked out and floored by it. How someone can look so good all the time. Even after he’s just woken up.

Lukas looks back towards the food court and sees a giant sign advertising a new smoothie place. That reminds him of Philip too because of that hilarious conversation they had about when things went up their noses. Lukas doesn’t know how Philip survived a piece of strawberry but Philip is mostly magic to him anyway, so he guesses it checks out.

“Come on,” Dad says, motioning for him to follow.

“You’re not gonna go in there?” Lukas asks, speeding up his pace a little bit to fall into stride with Dad.

“Nah,” he says, shaking his head. “I don’t see anything I think they’d like. I honestly have no damn idea what to get them.”

Lukas peers into the same window Dad was looking in as they go past and it looks like a card shop with little trinkets and shit. Lukas sees a small squirrel figurine that reminds him of that story Philip told him about Central Park, and they also already have ornaments out, which reminds him of Philip too. His small little tree he gets every year and the extravagant ornaments they put on it. Lukas kinda wants to get him another one, but Dad is walking too damn fast.

Lukas’s phone buzzes and he quickly pulls it out of his pocket.

 _Finding anything good? :)_ Philip asks.

Lukas grins, catching his tongue between his teeth. _Oh man, I’m gonna buy you so many presents._

About ten seconds later he gets a reply. _omfg, you better not_

 

October 21st 2017 1:15 PM

_Lukas: so she’s a sheriff?_  
_Philip: yeah_  
_Lukas: and he’s a vet?_  
_Philip: yes_  
_Lukas: that’s cute, how often do you see them?_  
_Philip: a pretty good lot_  
_Lukas: you just go to dinner and stuff like you did yesterday?_  
_Philip: sometimes the movies too_  
_Lukas: they need to take you to a good action movie but Gabe seems like a pretty tender-hearted guy so I don’t know if he’s into that_  
_Philip: omg as if you’re so hard and manly_  
_Lukas: :)_  
_Lukas: you know I am_  
_Philip: omfg_  
_Philip: ANYWAYS I’ve seen plenty of action movies with them_  
_Lukas: like what????_  
_Philip: we always see the star wars movies together_  
_Lukas: those are sci-fi Philip_  
_Philip: still counts, there’s so much action_  
_Philip: plenty of explosions_  
_Lukas: when we meet we’re gonna have the most mindless action movie marathon and you’re gonna love it so much_  
_Philip: I bet I will :)_  
_Philip: then I’m gonna show you some really good indie movies and you’re gonna cry_  
_Lukas: mmmm maybe_  
_Lukas: maybe if you cry I’ll cry_  
_Philip: okay I’ll cry on purpose_  
_Lukas: don’t cry_  
_Philip: LOL_

2:22 AM

_Lukas: it’s so late for you you need to sleep_  
_Philip: the other night you kept me up until five!_  
_Lukas: I know I’m terrible! I felt awful!_  
_Philip: :)_  
_Philip: it was fine, good_  
_Philip: I’m not tired_  
_Lukas: ugh you’re so difficult_  
_Philip: nooooo_  
_Lukas: I’m gonna tell the sheriff you’re not sleeping when it’s almost 3:30 am where you are!_  
_Philip: pfft_  
_Philip: she’s very intimidating_  
_Philip: you’d barely be able to talk to her_  
_Lukas: yeah right!_  
_Lukas: I’m fearless_  
_Philip: oh really?_  
_Lukas: no of course not_  
_Philip: what are you afraid of?_  
_Lukas: um_  
_Lukas: people hating me for who I am_  
_Philip: Lukas_  
_Philip: you’re amazing, okay?_  
_Philip: anyone who’d hate you for who you are has an issue they have to deal with on their own, with their own selves_  
_Lukas: I know_  
_Lukas: thank you :)_  
_Lukas: I’m also afraid of snakes so what do you have to say about that_  
_Philip: that you’re like Indiana Jones_  
_Lukas: an action movie!_  
_Philip: an action movie I like!_  
_Lukas: amazing!_  
_Philip: incredible!_  
_Lukas: okay now go to bed :)_  
_Lukas: you need your sleep so I can bother you all day tomorrow too_  
_Philip: ooohhh how terrible how will I ever survive_  
_Lukas: ;)_  
_Lukas: goodnight you_  
_Philip: goodnight you_

 

October 24th 2017 6:43 PM

_Lukas: do you worry about this a lot?_  
_Philip: I mean, sometimes, considering what we went through before_  
_Lukas: I’m so sorry_  
_Lukas: but you don’t know anything for sure, right? You really don’t know she’s thinking about it?_  
_Philip: no I don’t know anything_  
_Philip: I’m probably just being paranoid_  
_Philip: I’m sorry_  
_Lukas: no no no_  
_Lukas: don’t be sorry, you can tell me anything_  
_Lukas: okay?_  
_Philip: I know I just don’t wanna be like…talking shit and then it turns out to be nothing_  
_Lukas: I know_  
_Lukas: it’s okay to be worried_  
_Philip: sometimes she just gets this faraway look and it scares me and reminds me of how she’d look sometimes before rehab._  
_Lukas: yeah_  
_Lukas: did you tell helen and gabe?_  
_Philip: no I wouldn’t tell them because they’d come here and act like something is happening and then mom would get mad bc something is probably not happening_  
_Lukas: you think you’ll know if it actually is?_  
_Philip: yeah probably_  
_Lukas: okay then keep an eye out_  
_Lukas: it’s gonna be okay I promise_  
_Lukas: ugh god I wish I was there to take you out to dinner or something and take your mind off things like this_  
_Philip: what would we do?_  
_Lukas: well we’d go get pizza obviously_  
_Philip: obviously_  
_Lukas: and milkshakes_  
_Philip: what kind_  
_Lukas: what kind do you want?_  
_Philip: strawberry_  
_Lukas: then that’s what we’d get :)_  
_Philip: :) :)_  
_Lukas: one day_  
_Lukas: for real_  
_Lukas: I promise_

 

October 27th 2017

Philip holds an ice pack to his nose, and he can tell that it’s still bleeding. His knuckles are bleeding too and he’s still shaking. It’s too cold. It’s too hot.

Mom is sitting beside him, Miss Kelley on his other side and Principal Waters behind her desk. 

He fought back this time. He fought back this time he fought back this time. His ears are on fire and his eyes are tearing and he’s terrified. The whole room is shaking and his heart is probably beating too fast. He feels like he needs to throw up but he doesn’t move from his seat. 

His phone is buzzing frantically in his pocket.

“Philip, nothing is going to happen to you,” Principal Waters says. “Miss Kelley told me what’s been happening and why it’s been happening. Chad has been expelled.”

“He won’t target you anymore,” Miss Kelley says. “He was failing four out of the seven classes and he never cared about school. This doesn’t affect him.”

“We wanted to get the police involved—”

“You don’t think he’d target me if I get him arrested?” Philip asks, looking back and forth between them. “No, it’s just—it won’t stick. You know? He’s gonna be one of these shitheads who beats his wife one day and I wish I could stop that but I know it won’t stick. I know it.”

“We’re going to take it from here,” Principal Waters says. 

“I don’t want him trying to retaliate against my son outside school,” Mom says, reaching over and squeezing Philip’s hand.

“He won’t,” the principal says. “We’re speaking to his parents too.”

“I just wanna go home,” Philip says, looking down at his lap and feeling his phone buzz again.

“You can,” the principal says. “And we’re so sorry this happened. Has been happening. It won’t happen again.”

In the hallway Philip takes his phone out of his pocket.

_Are you okay??_  
_Please message me_  
_Need to know you’re okay, Philip_  
_Please please I’m worried_  
_I’m gonna kill that asshole myself_  
_Please message me please_

Mom wraps her arm around his waist as they walk. 

“I’m sorry you had to leave work,” Philip says, not looking at her because he knows he’ll start crying if he does.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to beat the shit out of that kid myself,” Mom says.

Philip’s mouth quirks up a little bit at that and he composes a message to Lukas.

2:05 PM

_Philip: I’m going home now_  
_Lukas: Jesus Christ are you okay_  
_Philip: nose is bleeding_  
_Lukas: is it broken??_  
_Philip: no I’d know if it was_  
_Lukas: god Philip god I’m so fucking sorry_  
_Philip: not your fault_  
_Lukas: I don’t care I’m sorry I’m sorry_  
_Philip: they expelled him_  
_Lukas: good_  
_Lukas: I hope he dies_  
_Philip: :)_  
_Lukas: are you okay_  
_Philip: I’m still shaking_  
_Lukas: I’m so sorry_  
_Lukas: I wanna be there so bad_  
_Philip: I want you here so bad_  
_Lukas: :(_  
_Lukas: I just wanna_  
_Lukas: I really just wanna_  
_Philip: what?_  
_Lukas: idk I feel helpless_  
_Lukas: I’m useless here_  
_Philip: you help me all the time_  
_Lukas: not enough_  
_Philip: I’m okay._  
_Philip: I fought back and I’m glad I did_  
_Lukas: me too_

October 27th 

Lukas lays in bed that night and cries. He’s got two unread messages from Philip but he just can’t goddamn stop crying. He turns his face into the pillow and muffles his sobs. 

He wanted to say _I just wanna hold you in my arms, baby. I just wanna hold you and kiss you until it’s better._ But he’s a goddamn coward. A goddamn fucking coward. 

It’s midnight in New York and way too early here for him to be going to bed, but he turns off his lights without going to brush his teeth. He wants so badly to be with Philip, even though they can’t be together physically. He wants to be his person. He wants to say soft things to him. He wants to take care of him. 

He looks at his phone. 

_You okay?_  
_Don’t worry about me anymore. I’m okay, I promise :)_

Lukas texts back. _I wish I could be better for you. I want to be so much better for you._ He cries a little harder sending it. 

_You’re the best, Lukas. The absolute best._

Lukas rubs his eyes and the tears track down his face. _I’m so sorry but I think I’m passing out. I’m exhausted._

_Me too, I was just about to say that._

God, Lukas wants to touch him. To kiss his forehead and his cheeks and his mouth. He wants to be that person.

_Please sleep good and I’ll message you as soon as I wake up, okay?_

_Okay, I will :) you too._

_Goodnight, Philip._

_Goodnight, Lukas._

Lukas cries himself to sleep.

~

His dad knows. Lukas doesn’t know how but he knows, and he’s hitting him, over and over until he’s pulp, until he’s nothing, until he falls through the floor and keeps on falling. Lukas can hear Philip screaming, can hear that shithead hitting him too, and although Lukas is nothing, no one, broken and battered, he writhes and kicks, trying to bring himself back from nothingness.

_I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS_  
_LUKAS HELP ME, HELP ME, PLEASE_  
_YOU CAN’T BE, YOU CAN’T_  
_LUKAS PLEASE, PLEASE_

_She’s gone, Lukas, she’s gone_

_Lukas, you’re the best. The absolute best._

He hears Philip’s bones breaking.

~

Lukas shoots up in bed, his heart hammering and he gasps, struggling to breathe. His vision is hazy, everything looks unfamiliar, like he’s stuck in a place that’s in between the nightmare and the real world. He grasps for his phone on the nightstand, frantic fingers dialing Philip’s number before he realizes what he’s doing.

It rings once. Twice.

“Hello? Lukas?”

Lukas is shocked back into reality. That’s Philip’s voice. It’s a little different than he’s been imagining but basically the same. Like honey, soothing and soft, a precious melody. 

“Lukas, are you there, are you okay?”

“Oh my god.”

“Oh my god,” Philip repeats, and he laughs a little bit. “Your voice.”

“Do I sound stupid?” Lukas asks, his mouth hanging open in a state of shock and panic. He can’t believe this is happening. He’s on the phone with Philip. Philip is listening to him speak. He can say something and Philip will say something back.

“No, no—I—I love it,” Philip says, laughing again, and it’s the most beautiful sound Lukas has ever heard. “Wow, I wish we had done this before—wait—Jesus, are you okay? It’s almost six here—”

“Fuck,” Lukas says, looking at the clock. He’s still so sweaty and scared and he rubs at his eyes. “Philip.”

“What is it?” Philip says, so quiet, so understanding. 

Lukas’s heart is ready to rip itself from his chest. He needs to be good. He needs to be what he wants to be. He needs to be himself. Philip deserves it. Deserves the best of him. Lukas wants to be what Philip thinks he is. “Philip.”

“Lukas, please talk to me,” Philip whispers. 

Lukas sucks in a breath. A moment has never felt so important. It’s time, it’s time, it’s way past time. 

“I need—God, I need to say something.”


	6. Chapter 6

“What is it?” Philip asks, and it doesn’t sound like he’s pushing, doesn’t sound like he’s forcing Lukas to do anything. Just typical, angelic Philip. Talking him through his troubles, helping him work through his fears. Making him realize things he hadn’t been sure of. Making him see who he really is.

And Lukas likes that person. Likes the person he is when he’s with Philip. Someone he can be proud of. 

He runs his hand through his hair. “I’m gay,” he says, so dangerously close to crying again. He’s two steps away from it and he’s so fucking embarrassed already, he can’t let it happen. “And I know you probably know because—because you’re not stupid. Because you’re smart. And you can tell.”

“Lukas…” Philip says, voice still so soft.

Lukas rubs at his eyes and is having a hard time revealing this revelation while at the same time marveling at how fucking beautiful Philip’s voice is. “Gimme a minute, just—just a minute to explain everything that’s in my head right now, okay?” He tries to say it softly too, mimic Philip’s tone, because he knows how he can come off sometimes. It’s half the reason why he and his dad get into so many fights.

“Alright,” Philip says.

“A lot of people out here would have passed over your card because you’re gay,” Lukas says, sitting up a little in bed, the sheets bunching around his hips. “But I, uh—went for it faster than I’ve ever gone for anything. So I’m sure that was the first indicator. And I didn’t stop and we just got deeper and deeper and I—I know what I am, I’ve known for a while now. It’s been a hard road. Rose is the only one who knows. Mom never knew because she left me too damn early—but I…talk to her in my head about it all the time. I know that might be stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” Philip says fast. 

Lukas smiles. “You’re the only thing that doesn’t make me feel stupid,” he says. “I’ve felt like an outsider for so long and it hurts so bad and it’s like…it’s like I found a home with you.” He pauses, sighing, and listens to Philip breathing on the other end of the line.

“It wouldn’t be good with your dad?” Philip asks, tentatively. “Wouldn’t be possible? To admit it to him?”

“He’s the reason why I’m so fucking scared,” Lukas says, a stray tear falling down his cheek. He quickly wipes it away, the wetness clinging to his hand. “He’s conservative, old school, wants me to marry a girl, etc, etc. Rose and I, well—she helps me by pretending to date me.” His chest is tight and he’s terrified to hear the reaction.

“Oh,” Philip says, simply.

“We don’t do anything because it’s not real,” Lukas says, quickly. “I don’t feel like that for her. It’s a cover, but it…it helps. There’s no questions. From kids at school or my dad.”

“It makes sense,” Philip says, but he sounds a little different. 

Lukas has to let it all out. He can’t let Philip be alone anymore, not in his head or in his love life or anywhere else. “Philip,” he says. “I fucking hated myself earlier.”

“Why?” Philip asks, harshly. “Don’t, Lukas, not because of me. Listen, I’m so happy you opened up to me about this. I did have my suspicions but I was never gonna push you into telling me anything.”

“I was obvious as fuck,” Lukas says, sucking in a breath through his mouth. “Because you gave me this little safe space where I could sorta start to act how I want to act. Be how I want to be…but I didn’t even go all the way with it because I’m too much of a goddamn coward.”

“Lukas, you’re not,” Philip says, and Lukas can hear rustling on his end. “You’re not, you’re not, please—things are hard and you can’t expect yourself just to change on a dime.”

He needs to take steps, though, and this is one of them. “Philip,” he says. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Philip is quiet again. 

“You know why I hated myself earlier?” Lukas says, smiling softly.

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t say what I wanted to say,” he stutters, his voice wavering and making him sound like an idiot. But he keeps going. “You’re hurt, that fucker hurt you, you, who is goddamn precious to me and I just…couldn’t say what I was thinking. But I wanted to say that I wanna hold you in my arms and kiss you until you feel better. That I wanna take care of you. That I’ve been thinking of you in a romantic way since the first moment I saw your picture. That I know you probably know this too, because you’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever known and you can see right through me. I’ve been stuck somewhere in the middle. Terrified to be completely outright but still fucking flirting with you every day because I can’t help it. I can’t help how you make me feel.”

There’s silence and Lukas is on his death bed, is two minutes away from giving it all up and laying on the ground and never getting up again. 

He sucks in a breath. “You either like me back or you feel bad for me and you’re too good to say it.” Tears race down his face and he covers his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut.

“I like you back,” Philip says, clear as day.

Lukas’s hand falls away and his mouth is dry. He looks around like someone is watching, listening, can confirm what he just heard. “What?” he says, dumbly. 

Philip laughs and once again Lukas is distracted by it. He wants to make him laugh all the time so he can hear that lovely sound on loop. It’s like oxygen. “God, Lukas, I like you back,” Philip says. “So much. So much.”

A smile spreads across Lukas’s face and his heart is going wild. “What?” he says again.

“Oh my God,” Philip says, laughing longer. “You’re an idiot.”

“I know, say it again,” Lukas says, grinning.

“You’re an idiot.”

“Not that,” Lukas says, chuckling himself now, and he’s still fucking crying because he is an idiot, he really is. He scrubs at his face and draws in a pinched breath. “The other thing.”

“Lukas, I like you so much. In the most romantic way possible. You’re all I think about, you’re all I want—”

“Philip, I wanna kiss you so bad—”

“I want you to kiss me, I want your hands on me—”

Lukas sees stars, pinpricks twisting in his stomach. “Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God,” he gasps, leaning a little bit over himself. “I’ve never wanted anything more than you. I want you to be mine.”

“I am yours,” Philip says, and he laughs again. “I’m yours, I’m yours.”

“I’m yours too,” Lukas says, and he means it. He’s never felt like he’s belonged to anyone else but it’s like Philip had a tether on his soul from moment one. Like he’s the only thing pulling him back from drowning, and Lukas wants nothing more than to melt into the safety of Philip’s arms. “Can I tell you everything I’ve been wanting to say?” he whispers.

“Yes,” Philip says.

“I wanna kiss you all over,” Lukas says, and hears Philip exhale. “Your throat, your chin—I wanna kiss that pouty look off your face. You know that selfie you sent me—”

“I made that face on purpose,” Philip says. “I hoped you’d like it.”

“Oh, I liked it,” Lukas says. “Every single picture of you gets me right in the gut. I look at each one of them at least a thousand times.”

“Same here,” Philip says. “I love your hair, I wanna run my fingers through it—”

Lukas scoffs. “My hair is absolutely nothing compared to your hair. So thick and wavy and fucking gorgeous, Philip—”

“Oh my God,” Philip breathes.

Lukas pictures him. Knows he’s in bed now, probably with a pillow crease on his cheek, probably with bedhead, probably in those little boxer shorts he wears to bed. 

Lukas is _probably_ going insane over him. He doesn’t understand how he’s been allowed this. This perfect, beautiful boy. Angelic, lovely, amazing. So, so amazing in every single possible way. “Philip.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you like me?” Lukas asks, his voice shaking. “You can change your mind and it’ll be okay. I’ll understand.”

“Shut up, you’re so dumb,” Philip says, laughing again. “I like you so much that it overwhelms me.”

Lukas shuts his eyes. “You’re too good for me.”

“I am not. Are you sure you like _me_?”

“God,” Lukas says, shaking his head. “Yes. Yes. A million times yes. You’re everything to me, my every day, always—” He knows he’s getting too much too soon and he stops himself, swallowing hard. He hears three words in his head but fuck he’s already needy as hell. He can’t say that now. Not yet. Not yet.

He’s been alone for so long. An island with no connections, only a lifeboat every so often in the form of Rose. But what he does with Rose sometimes makes him feel even farther away from everybody else. Philip is his rescue. His release. Lukas can’t believe fate has brought him someone so beautiful. So delicate and strong at the same time. Someone that understands him down to his very core. 

“You’re so beautiful, Philip,” Lukas says, emotion laid bare. “Inside and out. You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever known.” He wants to say met. But they haven’t met yet.

It’s his next big goal. Well, next after what he’s about to ask

***

The dull light of early morning is cutting into Philip’s room. He closes his eyes and shuts it out, shuts out the pain in his head and his nose and his eye, tries to focus only on Lukas’s voice. Philip loves the way he sounds, how he fills up his ears, his mind. It’s just the voice he was expecting, graceful and sure, despite it’s waver. It’s the voice he wants to hear forever. It’s the voice he wants to tell the story of his life.

“You’re everything,” Philip breathes, turning onto his side and curling up a little bit under his comforter. “You’re so—so goddamn attractive—”

Lukas laughs and Philip grins, closing his eyes. “You sure?” Lukas asks.

“Yes, Lukas, you’re like a model,” Philip says, too breathy and embarrassing for his own liking.

“Hush, liar.”

“Not lying,” Philip says, shaking his head. “I can’t wait to take pictures of you. I want a whole album of pictures of you.”

Lukas sighs and it sounds wistful, and in that moment Philip knows that neither one of them have had something like this. Had someone speak to them like they’re speaking to each other. He feels so valued, so important. He wants to make Lukas feel the same way.

“You’re so funny and smart and cute,” Philip keeps on, the words flooding out of his mouth. “You make me laugh every day. I can feel like such shit and you’ll message me about being itchy and say you have ants in your pants and I’ll just forget everything I was worried about and laugh at how goddamn cute you are.”

“Oh my God, my legs itched so bad,” Lukas laughs. “I couldn’t even think properly.”

“Yeah, you didn’t even think of Benadryl,” Philip says.

“You think that’s cute?” Lukas asks.

“Yes,” Philip says. “Everything you do is cute.”

“Everything _you_ do is cute,” Lukas insists. They’re both quiet for a moment or two, just basking in this connection between them, and then Lukas clears his throat. “Philip. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course you can,” Philip says, his heart speeding up a little bit. 

“You wanna be my boyfriend?” Lukas asks, cautious and timid. 

“Yes,” Philip says, because he doesn’t need to think it through. Because this is what he wants, more than anything. 

But he knows the strings. Knows it won’t be Facebook official, which doesn’t really mean anything to him. He knows Lukas won’t tell his dad. Not now, anyway. That will probably take a while. And they can’t touch. They can’t kiss. Because they’re too goddamn far away. But he’s closer to Lukas than anyone that’s physically around him. It’s incredible to him, the bond between them.

“Oh God, really?” Lukas asks, and he’s laughing and Philip can hear the tears in his voice. “Are you sure? I’m stupid. I’m really, really uncool.”

Philip laughs, covering his mouth. “Shut up, shut up, yes I wanna be your boyfriend.”

“Okay, you’re my boyfriend.”

The world shifts. It’s warmer. The sun is brighter. His latent aches fade. Hope shimmers everywhere. Philip wants to laugh and scream and kick his legs and tell everyone. Tell every single person that he has the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Yell it from the rooftops. In fact he wants to skip over every rooftop until he skips to Oklahoma and right into Lukas’s arms.

“I’m your boyfriend too,” Lukas says. “Jesus, I wish I could tell my dad.”

“Don’t even worry about that,” Philip says, letting out a breath. “I just like knowing you’re mine.”

“I am yours,” Lukas says, definitive, his voice solid and sure. “I’m gonna tell Rose. She knows about you, how I feel…”

“Really?” Philip asks, his eyes lighting up. 

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “She’s gonna be really happy for me.”

“I’m really happy for you,” Philip says, smiling hard.

“Me too! I’m so happy for me!”

Philip can’t stop smiling, his cheeks flushing. He feels like he must be dreaming. Because he has dreamed about this so many times in the months since they started talking. He never knew if it would happen. But he hoped and he prayed and he wished it into the world.

“How do you talk to your mom about being gay?” Lukas asks him. “How did you…how did you tell her to begin with?”

Philip thinks back. He can’t remember the exact moment, because it sorta seemed like she always knew. And she always accepted him, so he never worried about what she would say. “I know it sucks but I can’t really remember. I realized for me when I was pretty young and she’s just the kind of personality that’s very accepting. Not to say your dad isn’t—”

“No, he isn’t,” Lukas says. “You’re lucky, she sounds so great.”

“She is,” Philip says, wondering if she’s awake yet. Probably not. She’s been taking her opportunities to sleep in lately on the weekends, and he doesn’t blame her. “But with her I always just made it something normal. But it helped that it started out that way. You’ve got it harder. He already thinks of it as abnormal.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, and Philip hates how he sounds sad. 

“I’m sorry, babe,” Philip says, and blinks a little bit at the pet name that managed to slip out.

“Babe,” Lukas repeats, his tone lighter now. “I like that.”

“Me too,” Philip says, blushing again. 

“I’ve been calling you baby in my head for the past like three weeks,” Lukas says, and he chuckles, sounding shy.

Something twists in Philip’s gut and he sucks in a breath, trying not to let it rattle too much into the phone. 

“You should call me that right now,” Philip whispers. 

“You’re beautiful, baby,” Lukas says, soft. “I wanna be with you so bad, baby.”

Philip closes his eyes and tries not to pass the fuck out. Lukas’s words cascade through his chest, his gut, lower, like a wash of warmth running through him.

“You like that?” Lukas asks.

“Yeah,” Philip stutters. “Yeah, I—I really like that.”

“Good,” Lukas says. “I’ll add it to my repertoire of things I’ll say when I wanna make you hot for me.”

Philip feels warm all over, but the hairs on his arms are standing on end. He shifts a little bit in bed, something stirring inside him.

“Sorry if I’m moving too fast with that talk,” Lukas says.

“No, no,” Philip says. “I, uh, I like it. I want it. And I’m always hot for you, so,” Philip says, shrugging a little bit even though Lukas can’t see him. 

“I’m so sorry it took me so long to say something,” Lukas says. “That it took you getting hurt real bad for me to own it. I’m just afraid, of everything.”

“You don’t have to be afraid of me,” Philip says. He stretches out and scoots up towards the pillows. “I swear Lukas, everything you say to me is safe. All of your thoughts, your feelings.”

“You can tell your mom we’re together,” Lukas says, fast. “And, uh—Helen and Gabe.”

Philip smiles to himself. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, I want them to know,” Lukas says. “Want them to know that you found someone even though he isn’t, you know…there. With you.”

“I’ll tell them, but you’re with me all the time,” Philip says, worried that he sounds like a Hallmark card. “I talk to you more than I talk to my mom.”

“You know what I mean,” Lukas says. “Jesus, Philip, I wanna kiss you right now. I wanna kiss you.”

Philip reaches up and touches his lips. “I want you to kiss me.”

“Hey,” Lukas says. “Can we…can we FaceTime?” Philip hears some noise like Lukas is moving around in bed. “I know it’s not the same but like…I wanna see you. Do you have enough data?”

“Yes,” Philip says. “The cell service is probably our most extravagant extra because Helen and Gabe pay most of it.”

“Awesome, okay…I’m gonna call you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, one sec.” He hangs up and Philip almost instantly feels empty. That was one of the best phone calls of his life and even though he knows Lukas is about to call him, that they’re gonna see each other’s faces live and moving, he’s sad the call is over, or wasn’t marked by some kind of grand ending.

He stares down at the screen and sees the FaceTime call come up. His heart is in his fucking throat. He hadn’t prepared at all, he’d been too stupid and distracted to prepare because Lukas is about to see him! Jesus Christ! His boyfriend Lukas is about to see him outside of a photograph for the first time and Philip isn’t fucking prepared!

He quickly spins around on the bed so he’s got the wall at his back, making sure the light from the window doesn’t wash him out. He ruffles his hair a little bit and gets it out of his eyes. 

Then he presses accept.

Their connection isn’t the best at first but then it clears up, and Lukas is there. He’s leaning into the picture and narrowing his eyes, wearing a simple gray shirt, his hair messy and sticking up everywhere. As soon as he catches sight of Philip he bursts into a grin, laughing and covering his mouth.

“Oh my God,” Lukas says. He reaches out like he’s gonna touch the screen but then draws his hand back, covering his mouth again.

Philip’s eyes are straining and he refuses to cry. He tries to take in every detail of Lukas. Like a perfect goddamn work of art and oh my god they’re dating. Good lord they’re in a relationship. Philip is in a relationship with this amazing fucking person. He bites down on his lower lip and tries not to freak out. “Wow, you look really hot,” he says, grinning. “I’m so happy I get to finally say that.”

“You look way, way fucking hot,” Lukas says, and even though he knew already, Philip is suddenly very aware of his own shirtlessness. Lukas keeps talking. “Oh my God, you’re so beautiful, baby. I’m so sorry about the bruises, I’m so sorry. I’m gonna become a murderer for you because I’m gonna hunt that shithead down and kill him.”

Philip shakes his head, smiling. “It doesn’t hurt anymore.” _Because I’m looking at you._

Philip can’t stop staring at him. At the way Lukas’s eyes roam over him. How he brushes his hair back. How his mouth twitches up at the corners even though he’s already smiling so wide. And seeing his mouth form the word _baby_ in reference to Philip is almost enough to make him fucking explode right here and now. 

He keeps thinking three little words. Over and over. But it’s too much too soon, way too much too soon. But he thinks them all the same. 

“This is amazing,” Philip says. “I can’t believe it.”

“Me either,” Lukas says. “I’m so fucking pissed at myself, we’ve been wasting time not doing this. We could have been doing it all along. Look at you.”

“Look at _you_ ,” Philip says, shaking his head. His arm hurts from holding the phone out but he doesn’t care. He waves with his free hand and laughs when Lukas waves back. “Can you see me okay?”

“Yes,” Lukas says. “I can see you. I can always see you.”

Philip lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. They both just stare at each other for a couple moments and he can feel the distance, the states between them. But Lukas seems so close, so clear. “Hey boyfriend,” Philip says, quiet, worrying all of a sudden about Lukas’s dad hearing him.

“Yeah, boyfriend?” Lukas says, flashing him a toothy grin.

“Can we do something really fucking cheesy?” Philip asks, a blush creeping up his throat.

“Absolutely,” Lukas says, nodding. 

“I’m gonna kiss the screen,” Philip says, nervousness in his voice. 

“Oh shit, yes,” Lukas says. “On three?”

A tear falls and Philip quickly wipes it away, hoping Lukas didn’t see.

“You’re so sweet, baby,” Lukas says, shaking his head and wiping at his eyes too. “God, I—God.”

“Yes,” Philip says, laughing to himself, his heart beating so fast because fuck he’s never felt like this before, never, ever, and he can barely focus on what’s happening to him, happening to them. “On three.”

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

Philip leans in and he sees Lukas doing the same, and he kisses the screen as softly as he can, only briefly closing his eyes. He tries to think of what it’d feel like for their mouths to be pressed together, their lips moving against each other, their tongues sliding together, begging for more. He opens his eyes and pulls back a little bit, seeing the top of Lukas’s head. Lukas pulls back too and then puts his lips directly on top of the camera, three times in a row. He leans back and kisses his own fingers, pressing them against the screen. Philip’s stomach flips and he does the same thing.

“I can’t wait to kiss you in real life,” Lukas says. 

“Jesus, Lukas, me either, I can’t wait,” Philip says, sniffling a little bit. His nose hurts when he does it and a few more tears fall. He wipes them away, annoyed at himself for crying. But he can’t help it. It’s just Lukas. _Lukas._

Lukas is crying too, which makes Philip feel a little better. “When?” Lukas asks. “When can I meet you? When can I touch you?”

Philip’s heart is fluttering. “We’ll have to plan,” he says. He wants to do it tomorrow. He wants to do it now. His heart aches for Lukas, longs for him. “After we graduate?” he asks, hopeful.

Lukas’s face falls a little bit and he tilts his head. “Forever.”

“But it’d be easier then,” Philip says. “And it gives us time to plan, get some money to pay for travel.”

Lukas nods. “You’re right. You’re so much smarter than me.”

Philip snorts. “Shut up.”

Lukas beams at him. “Okay. We’ll do it then. Right after we graduate. You promise?”

Philip nods. He’s never, ever been so attached to an idea. “Yes,” he says. “I promise.”


	7. Chapter 7

November 15th 2017

“I’m gonna go get something from concessions,” Rose says, getting up from her seat as half the class does the same thing. She touches his arm and Lukas looks up at her. “You want anything?”

“Water bottle?” Lukas asks.

“So healthy,” Rose says, smirking at him. “I’m gonna get a soda. A bit one. A two liter just for me.”

Lukas snorts, shaking his head. “You enjoy that.”

She grins. “Be back before intermission ends.” She turns around and rushes up the aisle, speeding through a couple groups of boys.

Lukas pulls his phone out of his pocket and texts Philip. _So Romeo and Juliet is the exact same as it ever was, if you were wondering :)_

They’re on a field trip for English and he feels a little bit like he’s in elementary school again. The play is actually really good but he’s trying to be chill about how much he likes it. Half of his class is talking shit about it, which irritates Lukas, especially when they try to get him in on it. 

_One day I want the ending to be different_ Philip messages back.

 _Right?_ Lukas says. _That would be goddamn revolutionary._

_It would be. People would freak out and it’d be so awesome._

Lukas smiles down at his phone. He can hear Philip saying every word in his head. Lukas has been falling for him harder and harder every day. His heart flutters every time he hears Philip’s text tone, and when they talk on the phone Lukas has a hard time even focusing on anything else. Half the time he nearly forgets to breathe.

 _All the girls are swooning over the Romeo actor but you’re like ten times cuter :)_ Lukas sends, smiling to himself.

_Yeah right :) I bet you’re twenty times cuter. I KNOW IT_

Lukas is blushing a little bit and he doesn’t know how he’s gonna continue to talk to Philip in public if he can’t keep himself together. 

_< 3 <3 <3 You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen_

Lukas thinks about him. They facetimed again last night and half the time they just sit there giggling at each other like schoolgirls. They showed each other all their scars and Lukas got an amazing view of Philip’s inner thigh, and showed off the long cut he has across his ribs. He’ll never forget the look on Philip’s face.

 _I adore you_ Philip says back. 

Lukas blows out a sigh. It’s killing him to watch this play about romance. He wishes he could write odes to Philip. Could compare him to stars and flowers and beautiful things without sounding like an idiot. Because that’s how he fucking thinks about him. 

_I’m crazy about you_ he says, as the house lights flash.

 _I’m thinking about your birthday present_ Philip says.

Lukas clicks his tongue. His birthday is on Monday and he absolutely doesn’t want Philip to get him anything. He’s a hypocrite because he’s already thinking about what he wants to get Philip for his birthday, which is on New Year’s Day. He’s been thinking about extravagant shit, like getting him a computer or an iPad or a new camera, but he knows Philip would probably freak out if he did anything like that.

 _Don’t you do anything crazy so help me God_ Lukas sends. _You’re my present. JUST YOU_

 _Don’t worry :)_ Philip messages back. _I think you’ll like it._

Rose rushes back and sits down next to him, putting the water bottle between his knees.

“Thanks,” Lukas says, briefly looking up and smiling at her.

_I’ll like anything you get for me but serious don’t get me anything big or you’ll be in trouble_

“That you know who?” Rose asks, grinning and elbowing Lukas in the arm.

A smile spreads across his face and he nods at her. 

_Oh, I might like being in trouble with you though?_ Philip sends. _What’ll happen if I’m bad?_

Lukas bites down on his lower lip and the lights flash again. _Oh baby you had to start that right at the wrong time, play is coming back :(_

“I love seeing you happy,” Rose whispers, leaning into him.

He leans on her shoulder a little bit, watching Philip type. 

_I’ll be waiting :) enjoy <3_

Lukas hates being away from him for even a minute, despite the fact that he’s away from him all the time. He texts back _KISS KISS KISS KISS_

_BIGGEST KISS YOU’LL EVER SEE_

~

He’s sitting at the table that night eating a TV dinner when he hears Dad’s truck drive up. He tries not to get nervous and he takes a sip of his water, quickly writing a message to Philip.

_Dad home, gimme a second, kk? <3 _

_Okay :) <3_

Dad opens the front door and Lukas can feel the air change around him. He knows there’s something wrong as soon he turns around, catching sight of how tense Dad is, how his shoulders are squared off, his brows furrowed. Lukas is always terrified he’ll find out somehow, find out Lukas is gay or worse, find out about Philip. Lukas wouldn’t let him take Philip away from him, not at this point, and knows he would probably run away like a dramatic idiot if Dad even tried.

Lukas gets up, his phone in his hand, so he’ll be able to get away easier if he has to. He grabs his plate and heads towards the kitchen. “What’s going on?” he asks, trying to sound nonchalant. 

“You missed it,” Dad says, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Lukas dumps the remainder of his TV dinner into the trash and puts his fork and plate into the sink. “Uh…” he mutters, trying to comb through his mind.

“You were supposed to sign up for the goddamn junior circuit last week, Lukas,” Dad says, his voice getting louder. He grits his teeth.

Lukas remembers now, and a chill runs through him. It was one of the ones Dad picked out and Lukas always sort of subconsciously fought against the ones he didn’t choose himself, so he figures it was probably a combination of that and being distracted by Philip. But he’d meant to do it, purely to avoid a fucking scene like this. 

He tries to prepare himself but his heart is raging anyway.

“I forgot,” Lukas says, simply. 

“You said you were going to set a reminder for yourself,” Dad says. 

“Well, I…forgot to do that,” Lukas says.

Dad approaches him and Lukas’s heart speeds up a little bit. “Why are you doing this shit, Lukas?” he asks, shaking his head. “That circuit was a really good opportunity and you goddamn blew it.”

 _Stand up for yourself_ Philip’s voice says in his head. _You’re important._

“There’ll be others,” Lukas says. “And I can pick them out.”

“Did you ignore this one because I picked it?” Dad asks, his eyes flashing.

“No,” Lukas says, but he sounds too defiant. 

Dad stares at him for a moment like he’s trying to figure him out, and Lukas is terrified he’s gonna dig into his brain and see what’s occupying it. An angelic boy that sets his world aflame. He can’t think of Dad trying to taint what he is, what they have. It’s horrifying to imagine. 

“What the hell is going on with you?” Dad asks, getting closer still, and Lukas knows he’s trying to intimidate him. “I thought this was what you wanted. Motocross, races, making a career out of it.”

Lukas looks off at a spot on the far wall, not saying anything. 

“I don’t understand you, Lukas,” Dad says, with such venom that it stings. “You always gotta be different, always gotta do things your own goddamn way.”

“I’m sorry,” Lukas says, meeting his gaze again. He’s trying so hard not to tremble. “Sorry, I just—sorry.”

Dad looks at him like he’s the most disgusting thing in the world. Lukas’s phone buzzes in his hand, but he doesn’t look at it, not yet. Dad shakes his head and brushes past him into the kitchen, running into his shoulder a little bit as he goes. Lukas just stands there for a moment before he’s trudging back towards the stairs and up into his room.

~

He checks his phone once he’s locked his door, heading over to his bed. 

_Everything okay, babe?_

Lukas walks over to his bed, sitting on the edge of it. Tears are straining behind his eyes and he needs to hear Philip’s voice. _Can I call you?_

_Yeah, one sec—lemme say goodnight to mom and go to bed._

_Okay._

Lukas wonders if Philip’s mom will think it’s weird he’s going to bed at nine at night but then he remembers she knows. Remembers that Philip lives in a nice, accepting environment, where he’s able to talk about the person he’s dating without the world crumbling to pieces.

Lukas sighs to himself. He takes off his jeans and pulls on his sweats, tossing his shirt across the room. He gets under the covers and stares up at the ceiling.

_Okay go ahead <3_

Lukas can’t dial fast enough, briefly noting that Philip’s number is the only one he knows by heart. He brings the phone to his ear and it only rings once before Philip picks up.

“Hey babe, you okay?”

It’s like something breaks inside him because he feels safe, suddenly, and he sobs, covering his eyes.

“Lukas, what happened?”

“I missed the deadline for the goddamn junior circuit,” Lukas cries, turning his face into the pillow. “And I don’t know how he fucking found out or realized but he was pissed and I just…I don’t fucking know.” He sobs again and covers his mouth because he’s so sick of crying in front of Philip. He wants to be strong for him. He knows this shit isn’t attractive. 

“He didn’t hit you, right? Right?”

“No,” Lukas says, gasping a little bit, tears in his eyes. “It’s just—Jesus, Philip, I’m such a goddamn disappointment for him. I’m not the son he wants—”

“Listen,” Philip says. “I’m sorry but it’s your life, not his. And you need to make your own choices. You can’t make choices based off him, okay?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, his heart in his throat. 

“You gotta pick the races you participate in,” Philip says, softly. “If you didn’t want to do this one, you don’t have to do it. He needs to realize that.”

“He doesn’t get it,” Lukas says. “He doesn’t get that I want control, that I want to make my own choices and have more of a—a hand in my life.”

“I know, babe,” Philip says. “I’m so sorry. And it’s gonna take a bit but I know you’ll be able to tell him. I know you’ll make it there and eventually he’ll understand.”

Lukas wishes. He wishes and he hopes.

“You’re not beholden to anyone but yourself, Lukas,” Philip says.

“And you,” Lukas says, automatically.

Lukas hears a rush of breath and a small little laugh. “No, you don’t—not me.”

“Yes you,” Lukas says, sniffling a little bit. “When I do something good I think of you. When I do something bad I think of you. Everywhere I go I see you, everywhere. I wanna…I wanna make you proud, Philip.”

“You do every day,” Philip says, so fucking sincere. “It takes a lot to even be with me the way you are. I’m so, so proud of you.”

Lukas sighs, closing his eyes. “Jesus, Philip. Sometimes the distance between us seems so big. I need to hold you.”

“I want you to,” Philip’s voice says. “I wanna feel your arms around me.”

A rush of energy runs through Lukas’s body and he squeezes his eyes shut tighter. “What would we do if I was there with you?” he asks, the question leaving his mouth before he can really think it through. 

“I’d kiss you,” Philip says. “On both cheeks, your forehead, your mouth. I’d make you put your arms around me so tight.”

“You wouldn’t have to make me,” Lukas says, shifting a little bit, drawing one knee up. “Every night I think about what you’d feel like in my arms.”

“I know I’d fit there perfectly,” Philip says. “God, I wanna tangle my hands in your hair.”

“I wanna kiss you so bad,” Lukas says, getting dizzy. “I want your tongue in my mouth. I wanna taste you.”

Philip’s breath rattles. 

Lukas’s hand is slipping down his chest, travelling lower. “Philip,” he whispers. 

“Yeah?”

“Is this okay?” he asks. His whole body seems electrified, like Philip’s voice is hotwired into the core of him. Like he’s got a direct line to Lukas’s heart.

“Yes,” Philip breathes, drawing out the word. “Tell me what you’d do to me.”

Lukas groans, his hand slipping into his pants and past the waistband of his boxers. He just palms himself for now, already seeing stars. “I’d take off your clothes. Piece by piece. Tell—tell me what you’re wearing right now.”

“Just my boxers,” Philip says. “They’re black, if you—if you were wondering.”

Lukas hums, smiling a little bit. “So you’re already basically ready for me, huh?”

“Yes, Lukas,” Philip whispers.

Lukas groans again, taking himself in hand. “I’d take your boxers off, smoothing my hands over your perfect skin. Get a good handful of that ass.”

“Fuck.”

“Kiss that scar on the back of your thigh,” Lukas says, sliding his hand up and down his length, slow. He’s already sweating, trembling at the very idea that they’re doing this. “Lemme hear you, baby, tell me—”

“I wanna get on my knees for you,” Philip whispers. 

Lukas’s mouth drops open and he has to twist a little to muffle his moan into the pillow. Goosebumps crop up on his skin and he can’t think straight. Jesus Christ.

“Yeah,” Philip says, breathing fast. 

“Are you touching yourself too?” Lukas asks, his voice embarrassingly high as he widens the spread of his legs.

“Yes,” Philip says. “I’m pre—pretending it’s you—”

Lukas is so hard now, aching with want, and he works himself faster, picturing Philip’s face, his body. That beautiful, gorgeous body. “Fuck, I want you on top of me,” Lukas stutters. “God, you’re everything—”

“Yeah?” Philip asks, his breath hitching deliciously.

“Tell me how you want me,” Lukas gasps, thumbing over the head of his cock, his thighs jumping. “How do you want me, baby, huh?” His goddamn head is spinning.

“Want you inside me,” Philip gasps.

Lukas moans outright. He braces the phone on his shoulder and leans on it so it stays there. He slaps his hand over his mouth. He moans again into his palm and he feels like fire in his own hand. He slides his fingers down his neck and chest, teasing at his nipples. He sees Philip’s hands, braced on his chest. He hears Philip gasping in his ears. “Yeah, Philip?” he asks, wild now, trying to picture it, trying to feel it. “Yeah?”

“Wanna ride you,” Philip gasps. “Wanna grind down onto your cock—”

Lukas sees stars, shivering, breathing harder and harder. “Philip,” he whispers. “Philip. Fuck, you’re so—you’re so perfect—so beautiful—”

“Lukas,” Philip groans. “I’m—I’m—ah—ah—” And his breath comes out in a long moan, and Lukas knows Philip just came, knows he just came for him, because he was thinking about Lukas fucking him, and Jesus Christ the thought sends Lukas over the edge. He arches his neck back and comes into his hand, covering his mouth in a tight seal so he doesn’t get too loud. His thighs shake and his toes curl and he hones in on the gorgeous sounds Philip is still making.

They go quiet after a couple of minutes, and then Lukas giggles. His phone falls away from his shoulder and onto the bed and he curses, laughing again before grabbing it, bringing it back to his ear. His neck hurts a little bit but it doesn’t matter.

“Are you laughing?” Philip asks, giggling too.

“I’m sorry,” Lukas says, but he giggles again, taking his hand out of his pants, grabbing a few tissues off the bedside table and wiping it off. “I’m sorry. That was just—that was amazing. I can’t believe it.”

“It was,” Philip says, and he sounds coy. It’s goddamn precious. 

Lukas’s heart swells. He wants to hold him for real. “Philip,” he says. “Thank you. I adore you.”

 _I love you_ he thinks. _I love you, I love you._

***

Philip wipes his hand on the towel on his bed and can hear the longing in Lukas’s voice. He feels it too. Feels it so clear and loud and distinct. He wants what he has with Lukas so bad but sometimes it makes him feel trapped, because he’ll remember how far away they are. How many miles are between them. That as they are now, it’s a fucking physical impossibility to kiss Lukas. The only person he wants to kiss. 

He thinks about the last time he did something sexual. That man, that club. The horrifying way he felt afterwards. How he scrubbed his hands until they bled.

“God, baby,” Lukas says. “I just wanna—just wanna take your face in my hands and kiss you. Forever. Until neither of us can breathe. And then I’ll breathe into your mouth because I really do know CPR.”

Philip laughs but before he knows it tears are stinging in his eyes. 

“I wanna do everything with you,” Lukas says. “I wanna kiss every inch of that body.”

Philip remembers the club. That man. 

_You’re too young to be doing this._

It feels like forever ago but right now it feels like it was just yesterday. He was so happy and he hates himself for letting this come up now of all fucking times. 

“Philip,” Lukas asks, softly. “You okay, baby?”

Philip is terrified that if he admits it Lukas will let him go. Will push him away. Will find him disgusting. He knows Lukas is going through so much. Maybe he won’t want him anymore if he knows. 

But Philip can’t keep it a secret.

“Lukas,” he says. “I need to—I need to tell you something.”

“Okay…” Lukas says, trailing off. “You can tell me anything.”

Philip wipes at his eyes and sucks in a breath. He can still feel what they just did and God, he can’t lose this. “I don’t wanna—I don’t wanna go into too much detail because it—because it hurts.”

“What is it?” Lukas asks. 

“Uh, before—well, Mom, uh—” He doesn’t know how to say it and he feels like he’s about to panic. He sucks in a breath.

“It’s okay,” Lukas says. “Just—just take your time.”

“Uh, well, back when Mom had her habit, was at the height of it, we didn’t have much money,” he says. He gets a flash of the feeling, his mouth dry. Everything was dry back then. “Didn’t really have—any money at all and I—I took it upon myself to—to go out to gay clubs and—and—do—do things—so we could get—could have cash to, to get—get by—”

“Philip,” Lukas says. “Shhh, shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay, I—I get it.” He clears his throat and makes a few broken sounds. “I’m—I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“I didn’t want to,” Philip says, his eyes burning. “But I wanted to take care of us. Support us and—keep us afloat, you know? Dirty bathrooms, dark corners, unfamiliar—hands. And I hated it every time and I just—Lukas, I never went all the way with any of them, but I—I did more than I—I wanted—” He’s crying outright now and he draws in a gasping breath. “I’m sorry, I should have—should have said something before—before we did what we just—just did but—I don’t want you not—not to want me.”

“I want you,” Lukas says. “I want you, I adore you, it doesn’t matter to me.”

Philip sobs a few times and looks off towards his window, the pale moonlight shining outside. “Really?” he asks. 

“I’m sorry it happened,” Lukas whispers. “Baby, I’m sorry it came to that and I’m just—I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to have to do anything you don’t want to do ever again. But it doesn’t affect us. I promise. I promise you.”

“Yeah?” Philip asks.

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “You’re mine, remember? I’m yours.”

Philip closes his eyes. It’s his biggest secret and Lukas didn’t even falter. He doesn’t hate him. He doesn’t want to go separate ways. 

“Thank you for telling me,” Lukas says. “Philip.” Lukas says his name with such reverence and Philip doesn’t understand how he can still revere him after finding out what he’s done. But he doesn’t question it. “Philip,” Lukas says, even deeper this time. “Don’t cry. You’re okay, baby. Talk to me.”

“I’m here,” Philip says, his voice small. 

“I want you _here_ ,” Lukas says. “I want you in my bed. Under the covers with me. It’s nice and warm. I have a down comforter.”

Philip laughs a little bit, turning onto his side. 

“I want you to fall asleep in my arms,” Lukas says. “I wanna watch you sleep. Is that weird?”

“No, it’s not,” Philip says, his little gasping breaths finally tapering out. “I wanna watch you sleep too.”

“I don’t wanna get off the phone,” Lukas says.

Philip’s heart dips and he smiles to himself. He knows that if he’d told anyone else about what he’d done that they’d be fucking gone. Out. Finished with him forever. But not Lukas. Not his Lukas. “Me either,” he says, his voice breaking a little bit. “I adore you.”

“Philip,” Lukas says. “I am crazy about you.”

Philip’s mind supplies him with the words but he doesn’t say them. _I love you, Lukas. I love you._

~

November 20th 2017

Philip is glad Mom isn’t home when he gets there and that’s a rare thought for him. It’s Lukas’s birthday, and Philip has been planning this shit for over a week now. He wishes he had a better camera, he wishes he had money so he could actually get him something good. But he has to make due. And he thinks Lukas will like this.

Philip’s phone buzzes and he fishes it out of his pocket as he gets inside.

 _Make it home?_ Lukas asks.

 _Yes, just got here_ Philip says. _I gotta set up your gift._

_Are you gonna send me a dirty movie? ;) my dad is out of town til tomorrow, we can watch it together._

Philip smiles, despite kinda hating the idea that Lukas’s dad went out of town on his birthday. He wants to shake Bo, wants to yell at him and talk stern to him like Philip isn’t just some kid from Queens, like Bo wouldn’t just scoff at him and disregard everything he has to say. But goddamnit he wants him to respect Lukas. He wants him to love him for who he is. It isn’t fair. Lukas is so caring and amazing and wonderful. He deserves everything. 

_Maybe? You’re just gonna have to wait ;)_

_Mmmm, but we have a date tonight!_

They’d intended to facetime and Philip figures they still will. But he wants Lukas to get some quality time with this picture before the call, and he can imagine the flush creeping up Lukas’s neck, can imagine his voice going all raspy.

Philip drops his bag on the couch and starts stripping off his clothes as he walks to the bedroom. He’d looked up poses online because he doesn’t want to look like a complete asshole, and he hopes that no one is tapping their phone lines or anything because he doesn’t want anybody but Lukas seeing this. 

_Dad left me a cake in the fridge, ugh. So dumb._

Philip is down to his boxers and he quickly types out a reply, his heart hammering in his chest. _Your friends still pissed you’re not having a party?_

_Don’t give a shit. Only wanna be with you tonight. Jesus, wish I could kiss you. I want a Philip birthday kiss._

“Man, oh man, I wanna give it to you,” Philip says out loud, shaking his head. He sends about sixteen kissy faces for good measure and tosses his phone onto the bed for now, rushing out into the dining room and grabbing one of the chairs. He pulls it into his room and positions it in front of the bed, piling five books on top of it until it’s at the proper height. 

He knows he’s only got ten seconds to get it right, so he pulls his boxers off and drops them to the ground. He puts his phone down on top of the books and turns on the camera, bringing up the timer. He presses it and quickly rushes to his bed, laying down. He doesn’t want this to be porn and he wants to tease, so he shifts until his thigh is covering up most of his dick. He extends his arm out and lays his head down on it, glancing up into the camera and thinking of Lukas.

He sees the camera take the snaps and gets up to look at them. Two out of the ten are pretty good and he keeps them. He sets everything up again and lays back down, eager to do it perfectly.

***

Lukas is sitting at the table eating his cake and he texts Philip again. 

_You okay? What the hell are you doing, awful quiet._

He picks some of the sprinkles off the frosting and eats them off his finger.

_One second :) birthday boy…_

Lukas narrows his eyes and takes another bite. His birthday has never been his favorite. He used to throw big house parties but he’s given that up the past few years, finding nothing to interest him there. But this year he doesn’t really want anything. All he wants is Philip. Sometimes it feels like he could conjure him up and he fucking wishes he could, more than anything. He wants to talk to him face to face. Touch his cheeks and kiss him softly. He’s his goddamn boyfriend. He should be allowed to hold him. Hold his hand.

His phone buzzes and he sees it’s an image. He opens it and sucks in a breath, drawing a chunk of frosting into his throat and nearly choking on it. He coughs and pounds on his chest but still scans over the message Philip attached to the picture. He swallows the frosting, his eyes tearing.

_I want you to have all of me. I want your hands to trace my ribs, to hold me together. I want you to kiss me everywhere. Next year, on this day, I’m gonna be in your arms. Just like this._

Lukas stares at him. The photo is in black and white and Philip is laid out on his bed, completely naked. His beautiful eyes are looking right into the camera, his cheek resting on his arm. His leg is hitched up so Lukas can’t see everything but he does see the patch of hair, the base of his cock, and Lukas is gaping. The photo is fucking beautiful. 

_I’m sorry I couldn’t afford to give you anything good. But I’m saving my money up. I’m gonna get you so many presents._

That makes Lukas angry but then he looks at the picture again. Philip is literally a work of art. Lukas adjusts himself through his jeans and feels hot now. He can’t believe someone like that likes him.

 _You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen_ Lukas says.

He doesn’t think anybody has ever seen him naked save his parents as a child.

He chews on his lower lip, thinking about it. He wants Philip to have all of him too. He grabs his phone and gets up, leaving the rest of the cake on the table as he heads up to his room.

~

He sits on his bed. Stares at the picture and touches himself through his boxers. And it isn’t like touching himself to porn or dirty magazines, which he’s attempted to do on occasion. It feels so much more intimate. This picture was taken for him. This is his boy. 

He texts Philip. _Can we do this together?_ He asks. _Can I see you? Do you want to see me?_

It doesn’t take long for Philip to answer. _Yes. Yes. Yes._

Lukas facetimes him. It takes two rings before Philip answers. The first thing Lukas notices is that he’s smiling, so big and vibrant. The second thing he notices is that he’s shirtless. 

“You don’t know how much I thought about sending that picture to you,” Philip says, laughing and covering his mouth. 

“You can trust me with it,” Lukas says, grinning at him. 

“No, I mean—I didn’t think I looked good at all.”

Lukas scoffs, turning his head at him. “You’re crazy, you’re so crazy.” He laughs, shifting forward. He feels like he could reach through the screen and touch him. Cup his cheek and watch Philip lean into his hand. It drives him insane that he can’t. He wants the future. He wants Philip. “Baby, I wanna lean through the screen and just—fucking—nuzzle your face.”

Philip grins wider and lights up Lukas’s heart. “I wanna kiss a smile onto your face, stop frowning.”

“I’m frowning because I’m not with you. Here lemme…” He puff up his sheets in front of him and sits his phone there, trying to adjust it so Philip can see most of him. He can’t see all the way into his lap but he’ll for sure be able to see his hand moving when he touches himself, and Lukas lets out a sigh. He watches Philip do the same thing, laughing when his phone keeps falling.

“Goddamnit,” Philip mutters.

“You’re so cute,” Lukas says, warmth spreading through his chest.

Philip smiles, shaking his head when he finally gets it right. “Okay,” he says. 

“I can’t believe you,” Lukas says, reaching down and palming himself again. 

“What?”

“I just….you’re so amazing,” Lukas says. He shifts and gets out of his boxers, knowing Philip is watching, might have caught a glimpse of him. Lukas sits again and stares at him. 

Philip breathes with his mouth open. He touches his own face with the pads of his fingers, tracing over his lips lightly. “Would you touch me like this?” he asks.

Lukas nods, taking himself in hand. “Softer,” he says. “I wanna touch you so nice, Philip, just…everywhere. I want you to know that it’s me. Tell me what you like.”

Philip arches his neck back a little bit and closes his eyes before opening them again, letting them fall back on Lukas. Lukas groans, squeezing himself a little bit. “What I like?” Philip asks.

“Yes, baby,” Lukas says. Philip’s lips are to fucking die for. This was good on the phone but it’s so much better now that he can see him. See him moving, see how Lukas’s words are affecting him. 

“I want…I want you to kiss my neck,” Philip says, his breath hitching and Lukas watches it happen, his own mouth falling open. “Leave a mark like I’m yours…”

“You are mine,” Lukas says, watching Philip tilt his head to the side. He looks at that beautiful neck and imagines his mouth there, sucking on Philip’s pulse point, feeling his heart speed up. “What else, what else?”

“Want you to hold me while we do it,” Philip says, breathing faster and faster. “In your lap, in your arms…”

“Yes,” Lukas says. He was already aching because he stared at the gorgeous naked photo taken for him on his birthday and he doesn’t want to be that guy that comes too early but he’s already touching himself faster, thinking about being inside Philip, having Philip’s hands on him. “God, God Philip.” He can’t stop staring at him. His heaving chest. His eyelashes. His mouth. His jaw. Everything, everything. “God, God, Philip. I can’t wait—I can’t to see you. Touch you, fucking graduation, come on—”

Philip laughs and it melts into a sexy moan, which makes Lukas’s throat go tight. “Yes, yes, me and you—”

“No one is ever gonna touch you like this after that but me,” Lukas says. “Not ever…just me…”

“Oh God, yes—”

Lukas is pulsing, shaking, but he keeps his eyes open, wants to watch him. Philip stares back at him and there’s surprise in his eyes, something deep and possessive there. 

Lukas blinks, his stomach twisting. “I’m so…so…”

“Lukas, Lukas,” Philip chants, and he reaches up with his free hand and claws at his neck. 

It sends Lukas over the edge and he closes his eyes for the first time since they started this as he comes, shaking and falling forward a little bit.

“Yes, Lukas, fuck—” and Lukas would have pried his own eyes open to see it, opening them at the last moment to catch Philip squeezing his own shut tight, his mouth going wide, sucking in air like he’s drowning. Lukas continues to touch himself as he watches and imagines what it’ll be like to see this in person. To do it to him for real.

He breathes hard and watches, waits until Philip comes back to himself, a sexy little smile forming on his face. 

“Graduation,” Lukas says, trying to get back on track, but his voice still breaks. “June. Talk about it, for real, we need to plan this. I can’t stand not having a real plan, I need to know the exact moment and second that I’m gonna kiss you for the first time.” He reaches out of frame to grab some tissues and he wipes at his hand. “You think you can do it?”

Philip laughs, shaking his head. “I can definitely do it. Yes.”

“How about one week after we graduate?” Lukas asks. “I can play it off like a graduation present to myself. I’ll tell him I’m meeting you. My pen pal.”

“You’ll tell him?” Philip asks, looking serious all of a sudden. “Won’t he be suspicious, even if you call me a pen pal?”

“I don’t care,” Lukas says, shaking his head. It’s getting to the point where he just wants to tell his dad. Just tell him everything. Take the beating, have the fight. Philip is too goddamn important. “He’s always wanted me to travel, thinks it’ll make me more of a man.”

“I think you’re a man already,” Philip says, smirking at him. “Quite a fucking man.”

Lukas groans. “You’re killing me.”

Philip grins. “Sorry, babe.”

“Let’s meet in the middle,” Lukas says. “So it’ll be a vacation for both of us. I can send you money so you can get your plane ticket.”

“No, no, I’ll save for it,” Philip says. “I already am.”

“No, baby, it was my idea, I’ll help you!” Lukas says, nearly yelling. “Please let me, please.”

Philip sighs but Lukas can tell he’s trying not to smile. “You can meet me halfway with that too, is that good enough? Dork.”

“Fine,” Lukas says, grinning. He knows he’ll have enough money in no time if he starts saving his allowance. “I’m gonna pay for the hotel though.”

“Lukas…”

“Sorry,” Lukas says, shrugging. He leans in to kiss the screen fast and Philip sees it and intercepts, moving in to do the same. “Goddamnit,” Lukas says, when he pulls back. “I can’t wait until there’s not a screen between us.”

“Me too,” Philip says, pouting a little bit. “So what’s the middle? Where are we going?”

Lukas thinks about it. “What about Chicago?” he asks. He’s never been there before. It’s another big city he’s wanted to visit, even though New York is feeling more and more like his endgame. 

Philip smiles softly. “Yes. That’s great, I’ve…I’ve always wanted to go there.”

“Me too,” Lukas says, gazing at him. His boyfriend. His Philip. The most angelic person in the entire world. This is the best birthday he’s ever had.

“Okay,” Philip says, reaching out to touch the screen, and Lukas does the same, matching his fingers. “It’s a date.”


	8. Chapter 8

December 31st 2017 10:47 PM (Oklahoma time)

Philip is a little bit drunk and Lukas can’t stop laughing, adjusting the phone between his knees. He’s got New Years to himself because Dad went to sleep an hour ago. Things have been on and off with them—he won a race a couple days before Christmas and things were good then, they’d even hugged and celebrated and laughed more than they have in a while. But things trickle out because the high of winning only lasts so long, and they’ve fallen back into their silence, grunts to pass the salt, the occasional shared game show experience.

Lukas wonders if he’ll ever be able to be up front with his father. If he’ll ever be able to dredge up actual honesty in the face of him, or if he’ll always be wilting and withering in his presence. He and Philip have planned to get the plane tickets in March, and Lukas knows he has to mention the plan sometime soon.

“Hey!” Philip yells, his connection fading for a second before it goes clear again. He taps on the glass and Lukas laughs again. “Hey, hey—get out of your head.”

“I’ll get into yours,” Lukas says. He puts the phone in the pile of sheets and tips it forward so Philip can see him properly.

“Yeah,” Philip yells, still loud, and Lukas can hear the music coming from the other room. “Yeah, yeah, I want you in my brain. Or I just want you. Totally and completely.”

Lukas stares at him, a deep feeling of affection and happiness running through him. “You’re adorable,” he says. 

Philip laughs and rests his chin in his hands. “You like me?” he asks.

Lukas thinks about future plans. “Yeah, I like you a lot,” he says. “Way too much. Way way way too much.”

Philip hums, a dazed sort of smile on his face.

“You need to drink some water!” Lukas says. 

“Helen is a police and she watched me drink those beers so, so it’s fine,” Philip says, shifting a little and scratching at his head. 

“You sure you don’t wanna go back out there and hang out with them?” Lukas asks, knowing Anne, Gabe and Helen are out in the living room having their little get together. 

“No, no, they know I’m with you,” Philip says, and Lukas’s heart gives a little jolt, of pride that they know and sadness because Dad doesn’t. “They know that—that I want it to be your voice that rings in the new year and my—my birthday. Even though it won’t properly be the New Year for you for another hour.”

Lukas leans in a little closer to the phone. “I wanna ring in every day for you,” he whispers. “And it doesn’t matter, you get to be in the future for an hour. You gotta tell me how it is.”

“I wanna go to June. Can you imagine how it’s gonna be when we first see each other?” Philip asks, licking his lips. “I’m probably gonna die.”

“Not allowed,” Lukas says, getting chills just hearing the words.

“I’m gonna pass out and you’ll have to resuscitate me,” Philip says, swaying towards the screen a little bit and blinking at Lukas. “With that CPR.”

Lukas checks the time. They have three minutes. 

“I’d keep doing it until you were making out with me,” Lukas says. “Until we were kissing and kissing and kissing and we couldn’t stop.”

“That sounds really nice,” Philip says, leaning on his fist now. “Your lips look like….so good right now.”

Lukas reaches up to touch them. “They’re really chapped. Not ready for you at all.”

“I’d kiss you if you were covered in garbage,” Philip says, clearing his throat. He grabs a water bottle from off screen where Lukas knows his bedside table is and he waves it in Lukas’s direction. “Happy, boyfriend?”

“Very,” Lukas says, watching him drink it. “Unless there’s vodka in there.” He looks at the time again. Two minutes now.

“I was drinking beer, thank you very very much,” Philip says. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Lukas says. “I’m a bourbon drinker myself.”

“Yeah right,” Philip snorts. “Bourbon? What are you, a thirty-five year old businessman cheating on his wife?”

“Oddly specific,” Lukas says.

“You need to widen the range of movies you watch, babe,” Philip says. His eyes flick up and he grins. “One minute!”

Lukas’s heart is beating in his throat. He’s never felt the way he feels. For Philip, for everything they are and everything they can be. He’s having a hard time concentrating in school because he keeps playing out their first meeting in his mind. God, Lukas can’t wait to touch him. To look at him in real life. Right in front of him with his own eyes.

“Lukas don’t zone out,” Philip says. “Babe. Baby.”

“I’m not,” Lukas says, laughing.

“They’re yelling in the living room,” Philip says, looking over his shoulder. “I think they’re singing.”

“You sure you don’t wanna—”

“No, no, no,” Philip says, grasping at the screen. “You, you, you—”

Lukas looks at the clock. He hopes Philip isn’t too drunk to remember what’s about to happen. He hadn’t exactly been banking on him drinking. But he’s so goddamn cute giggling and swaying around. “Okay here we go,” Lukas says, looking at his watch. “Ten.”

“Nine eight seven!”

“Too fast,” Lukas laughs, his heart beating in his ears. “Eight.”

“Seven.”

“Six.”

“Five.”

“Four three”

“Two.”

“One.”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHILIP,” Lukas says, hearing cheering on Philip’s side. He touches the screen, touches Philip’s smile. “I’ll tell you again in an hour when it’s your birthday here too.”

“Thank you,” Philip says, leaning forward and gazing at him. “Ugh, Lukas.”

“Philip,” Lukas repeats, eyes tracing over his face. “Baby, we’re gonna be together this year. This is the damn year. How’s it look?”

“Amazing,” Philip says, grinning and looking around.

Lukas gears up. “Philip,” he says again. “You hear me?”

“Yes,” Philip says. “Your voice is like…hummingbirds.”

Lukas snorts. “Baby, I wanna say something.”

“Yes?”

Lukas waits until Philip meets his eyes. He’s been thinking it for months now. What feels like fucking ages. It’s way, way past time. “I love you, Philip,” he says. “I love you. I’m in love with you.”

Philip stares at him, his face falling. He stares and stares. “Lukas, is that you?”

Lukas snorts, dipping his head down.

“Did you…did you really just—”

“I really did just,” Lukas says, looking back up at him. He’s terrified Philip isn’t gonna say it back. But God he feels it, he had to say it. He values Philip so highly. Philip is precious to him. He didn’t know what romantic love was before they got involved, and now it blooms in his heart, more and more vibrant and lively every day.

“I love you,” Philip says, and Lukas sees a tear race down his face. 

Lukas nearly collapses, laughing and leaning closer. _He loves me too. He loves me too._

“God, oh my God—I love you. So much. I can’t believe—are you sure?” Philip blinks about a thousand times, his mouth hanging open. “Lukas?”

“Yes?” Lukas laughs. He can’t stop laughing. He feels exhilarated. Like he can do anything. Conquer the world—because Philip loves him. Philip loves him, he loves him.

***

Philip is on the edge of the world. His vision is shimmering and his head is huge like a monster’s head, heavy and horrible. But Lukas. Lukas Lukas Lukas. Philip doesn’t want Lukas to be in the phone. He taps on the screen and wants to pluck him out of there. Wants to make him be here. 

“Lukas,” Philip says, leaning in really close.

“Baby,” Lukas says, his screen shaking a little bit. Lukas’s smile is the most gorgeous smile in the whole universe. He looks so happy and that makes Philip happy. Philip is goddamn elated. He sways a little bit and clears his throat. “Can you hear me?” Lukas asks.

“Lukas, you love me?”

Lukas barks out a laugh. “You’re so drunk you’re not even gonna remember this,” he says.

Philip scoffs. “I’m gonna remember this until I die,” he says. An idea presents itself in his giant head and he gasps, making Lukas jump.

“What?” Lukas asks, his smile gone. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m gonna write it down,” Philip says, sure he’s going to remember because it’s echoing in his ears, sending goosebumps up his arms. But he still needs a backup plan, just in case. He flops down on the bed, reaching for his notebook that’s sitting on his bedside table, and he hears Lukas laugh. He grabs a pen too and resumes his spot in front of Lukas. “Okay. Say it again because I wanna get the inflection.”

Lukas laughs again, his smile coming back. So beautiful. “How will you write that down?”

“I’m gonna take your voice and write it down,” Philip says, tapping the pen on the paper.

“I love you,” Lukas says. “I _love_ you. I love _you_. I love you, Philip Shea. I love you, baby.”

Philip starts to write and then all five declarations lodge into his heart. They’re like little pinpricks and it’s a pain that seeps down into his stomach. He doesn’t know what it means but it immediately makes him cry, and he can’t stop thinking about Lukas. Lukas, Lukas, his Lukas.

“Babe,” Lukas says, but Philip can’t see him because he’s closing his eyes. “Philip, what’s wrong?”

“You love me,” Philip hiccups, still clutching at the pen. “You love me—despite—despite my giant head.”

Lukas laughs. “Aww, Philip—you’re so—you do not have a giant head.”

Philip’s eyes snap open and he looks up. “Yes I do,” he says, his giant head nearly snapping off his neck when he moves too fast. “And you still love me.”

“Philip, you’re perfect,” Lukas says. “I can’t wait to kiss you.”

“Me either,” Philip says, wiping at his eyes. “I wanna graduate already. I’ve almost got my whole part of the money. I like the library, I—I already told them I’m gonna go somewhere then. Not sure if I’ll still have the job, but—whatever, I wanted to talk about you.” He shifts a little bit, clutching his blanket in his fists. 

“I’ve got your part and I’m working on mine,” Lukas says. “I’ve been looking at hotels, too.”

There’s a soft knock on the door and Philip whips around. “Yes?” he asks. 

“You want me to go?” Lukas asks.

“No, no,” Philip says, shaking his head at him. 

The door opens and Mom, Helen and Gabe all poke their heads in. They look like little kids doing something bad and Philip snorts, narrowing his eyes. 

“You guys okay?” Philip asks, trying not to slur. 

Mom points at the screen. “Can we meet Lukas?” she mouths, barely whispering. 

Philip grins. “You wanna?”

All three of them nod.

Philip looks back and Lukas has an apprehensive expression on his face. “They wanna meet you,” Philip says. His stomach is still making these little twists and turns whenever he thinks about Lukas’s very existence, and he smiles slightly. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, sounding bashful. He looks down and up at Philip again, the corner of his mouth tugging up. “I hope they know I’m not all that interesting,” he whispers. 

Philip leans in, his lips nearly brushing the screen. “You are the most interesting.” He turns around, motioning for Mom, Helen and Gabe to come closer. “Okay, c’mere but don’t scare him away, I’m in love with him.”

Helen gasps and she and Mom share a look as they walk over, peering down into the phone to look at Lukas. 

“Hey guys,” Lukas says, waving. “Sorry I took Philip away from you on New Year’s Eve—”

“Did you two just say you love each other?” Mom nearly yells, knocking into Philip and pushing him out of the way so she’s sitting on the bed, face to face with Lukas. Philip laughs, his whole world tilting off its axis.

“Mom,” he whines, Gabe grabbing his arm. “My giant head—”

“I do love your son,” Lukas says, sincere. “I wanted to, uh, wanted to say it for his birthday. And I’m gonna say it again when it hits midnight here in an hour. Hopefully he’ll remember that one better.”

Philip narrows his eyes, letting out a sigh. “I remember fine!” he yells. “I remember everything! He loves me. Lukas loves me. Lukas, you love me.”

He hears Lukas laughing. “I love you.”

“Oh my God,” Mom says, covering her mouth. 

“That’s so sweet,” Helen says. 

“So, yeah,” Lukas says, and Philip giggles, looking at him.

“Lukas,” Helen says, “we’re Helen and Gabe, Anne and Philip’s friends. I’m not sure if he’s mentioned—”

“I’ve mentioned,” Philip says, scoffing at her. 

“He’s mentioned,” Lukas says. 

“Of course he’s mentioned,” Gabe says, squeezing Philip’s shoulder. “I’m sure they talk about everything.”

“Lukas, you’re adorable,” Mom says. 

“Isn’t he?” Philip asks, feeling a burst of pride. 

“Listen, it’s really important to me that you guys like me,” Lukas says, laughing nervously. “I know it might be strange, how things—things happened between me and Philip. I know we haven’t met, I know it’s weird—”

“It’s not weird, Lukas,” Gabe says. “These things happen.”

“Sometimes people are meant to be together,” Helen says, looking at Gabe. 

Philip’s vision is still shimmering and he feels really warm and good, with all of them here in the same room. If only Lukas was actually here. Things would be perfect. 

“Listen, Lukas,” Mom says. “We love you. We’re so happy you two are together and you’re making this plan to meet. But mostly we’re happy because you’ve made Philip happy.” She looks over her shoulder at him and pats his knee. “I’ve never seen him like this before.”

“I’ve never felt like this before,” Philip says, abruptly, and he means it in a multitude of reasons. But mostly because love is living in every inch of his body. He looks over and sees Lukas staring at him, and Philip blushes a little bit. Maybe his skull is getting even bigger. Because Lukas is inflating his ego. He hiccups a little bit and Helen clicks her tongue.

“Don’t think we’re terrible people because we let him drink,” Helen says, leaning in. “It’s only for special occasions.”

Lukas laughs, shaking his head. “I’d never think you were terrible,” he says. “Just so you know, Anne, Philip’s present is gonna be coming in the mail tomorrow. So if you see a weird box before he does, it’s from me.”

“Noted,” Mom says. 

Philip groans. “He got me something expensive and I hate him.”

“You love me.”

“I mean, yeah,” Philip says, rolling his eyes.

Everybody laughs at him.

“We’re so happy to finally meet you, Lukas,” Mom says. “I just can’t wait until it’s in person.”

“Me either,” both Lukas and Philip say at the same time.

Philip has a good feeling about 2018.

***

February 21st 2018

It just comes out one day. Well, not exactly, because Lukas builds up to things every agonizing minute of every single day. But he and Dad are sitting there in a relatively comfortable silence watching Wheel of Fortune, and Lukas gets a text from Philip.

_Love you :)_

It feels like something. Like the push he needed, even though they exchange texts exactly like this one about fifty times a day. Lukas clears his throat, cracks his neck.

“I’m gonna go to Chicago after graduation,” he says. There’s a brief silence and he cuts his eyes over to his dad to see if the information even registered. 

“What for?” Dad asks, brows furrowing a little bit. 

“I want to,” Lukas says. He tries to be nonchalant. “Gonna meet a pen pal friend there.”

“Pen pal?” Dad asks. “Since when do you have a pen pal?”

Lukas’s heart is in his throat and he tries to stay on track. “The beginning of the school year, actually. It was this thing they had us do in sociology and he and I got pretty close. He’s not a murderer or anything, it’s all checked out through the school, so…it’s safe.”

“You sure about that?” Dad asks, doubtful.

“Yeah, we’ve—we’ve video chatted,” Lukas says, his mouth dry.

Dad hums, like he’s thinking it through. “He lives in Chicago?” he asks.

“New York,” Lukas says, fast. “We were gonna meet in the middle. We thought we could hang out for a little while.” _Hang out and have sex. Get a hotel and have lots and lots of sex. Make out and tell each other we love each other a thousand times._ His cheeks go hot.

“You got the money for this?” Dad asks. 

“Yeah, I’ve been putting it aside,” Lukas says. “I’m gonna look up flights in a couple days.”

“You sure you don’t want me going with you?” Dad asks, looking at him. 

“No,” Lukas says, probably too fast, though the question takes him a little off guard. “I’ll—it’ll be alright. Gotta grow up sometime, right?” He laughs awkwardly. 

“Guess so,” Dad says. “Let me know if you need any help.”

Lukas feels like he wants to scream in triumph, but he keeps quiet. “I will,” he says. He shifts a little bit, composing a quick message. 

_I told him I’m going to meet you. I told him and it’s okay. I love you, I love you._

~

March 14th 2018

Lukas is on edge. It’s seven at fucking night and he hasn’t heard from Philip since this morning, when the last thing he said was _not sure where my mom is._ He feels goddamn sick about it, and he’s hardly functioning, sitting across from Rose at the diner. Philip has been really worried about his mom lately. Been seeing looks in her eyes that don’t bode well in his mind, and Lukas never doubted him, only got more and more paranoid that something terrible was going to happen. He’s talked to her a couple times and hasn’t been able to get a good read on her, but he knows Philip knows best. 

“Your milkshake’s melting,” Rose says, motioning towards it. 

Lukas tunes back in. “Yeah,” he says, touching the bottom of the glass. 

“You talk to your dad any more about Philip?” she asks, her tone low. There’s only one other couple in here, and they’re clear on the far side of the diner. Despite that, Rose is still trying to protect him. 

“Little bit,” Lukas says. “Actually said his name the other day, so.” But he hasn’t said anything yet about what they are. About what he is. “I don’t know how I’m gonna ever tell him the whole deal. Feels like the end of the world.”

“It’s not,” Rose says, putting her hands flat on the table. “He might be a shit about it, but so what? He has to get over it and he will. Underneath all that macho crap, he loves you. You’re his son.”

Lukas isn’t sure but Rose seems it, nodding at him like there isn’t any other explanation.

“So,” she says, a small smile on her face. “How are we gonna stage this breakup once you two go public?”

Lukas snorts, shaking his head. “No idea when that’s even gonna happen,” he says, and he knows that’s his fucking fault. He feels gross. He’s worried about Philip. He knows he’s an asshole because they can’t be out, can’t be cutesy on Facebook, can’t really plan ahead past their meeting because Lukas isn’t gay in his real life, for all intents and purposes. But Philip is his real life, and all the rest of it is fake. He knows that. Philip knows it too. Lukas feels bad about Rose too, for using her and holding her back. “You could be dating some nice guy,” he says, glancing up at her. “I’m sorry I’ve wasted so much of your time.”

“Hush,” she says, narrowing her eyes. “You know I love you. And there are no guys around here worth anything. I wanna go to California, meet a movie star.”

“None of them are worthy of you,” Lukas says, grinning.

“That’s right,” she says, smiling right back. “But a bunch of ‘em are real cute. I’d have my choice.”

They laugh a little bit and fall into a comfortable silence.

Lukas sighs. “I don’t know about me. How to do any of it. My dad is only the beginning. Everybody at school, Cameron, Jeff, Matt, that whole goddamn group, they’d flip. They’d destroy me.”

“They don’t matter,” Rose says. “You know you’re not gonna stick with them after graduation. And if you wind up in New York, they really don’t matter.” He sighs and watches her lean in a little bit. “Boy, you just gotta think of yourself and Philip. That’s all that matters. And maybe the couch I can sleep on when I visit y’all.”

Lukas laughs. “It’ll be the most luxurious couch you’ve ever seen.”

His phone buzzes and he nearly pulls his arm out of his socket trying to get to it. 

“That Philip?” Rose asks. “Is he okay?”

The text is from Philip and Lukas’s heart is in his throat. He opens it.

_Sorry I haven’t messaged. She almost relapsed—got really close, went to see one of her old contacts and everything but stopped herself right at the end and called me. Helen and Gabe came down—she’s gonna spend a week in the rehab facility she was in before. She wants to get rid of the inclination, the thoughts and the needs and shit. Gabe is gonna stay with me for the week._

_I feel awful._

Lukas feels like he’s gonna be sick.

“Is he okay?” Rose asks.

“Family stuff,” Lukas says, not eager to share Philip’s business, even with someone as close as Rose.

“Should we go?” Rose asks.

“Yeah, get the bill over here and I’ll pay it,” Lukas says, composing a text. 

_I’m so sorry, Philip. I’m so sorry. I love you. She’s okay, though, right? Not hurt and she didn’t go through with anything? Are you home?_

“I’m sorry something’s going on,” Rose says, after she waves the waitress over. “He’s such a sweetheart, he doesn’t deserve anything bad.”

“I know,” Lukas says, looking up at her. “Thanks.”

“You still thinking about trying to start college late?” she asks.

“Yeah,” he says, looking at his phone. “Don’t know how, though. Both he and I really missed the boat.”

“It’s possible,” Rose says. “People can do anything these days. There are plenty of opportunities.”

Lukas’s phone buzzes. _I love you too. She’s okay, just disappointed in herself that she got so close but I’m proud of her for calling me. It was scary, I just went to meet her in this dingy part of the city and then we waited in a McDonald’s for a couple hours for Helen and Gabe to come. We were both crying. I’m home. Here with Gabe._

Lukas wants to hold him all the time but right now more than goddamn ever. This is the thing Philip has been terrified of. All along. And it nearly happened. He thanks God she couldn’t go through with it. 

_You want me to call you, baby?_ Lukas sends. _I just gotta ride home but then I’m free._

The waitress drops off the check and Lukas hears Rose thank her. 

_Yes, but let me know when you get home and I’ll tell you when._

He pulls out a twenty and a ten and puts them down, well aware that it’s too much money. “Come on,” he says to Rose. “I’ll drop you off at home.”

***

Philip sits at the dining room table, eating the spaghetti and meatballs Gabe made for him. They always eat better when Helen and Gabe are around, but Philip knows his Mom isn’t gonna get to enjoy this one. His heart hurts. He’d watched the sunset a bit ago and it’d been just about the only thing that kept him calm until he got to message Lukas. Lukas reminds him of the sunset now, something so dynamic and vivid, but so calming and soothing at the same time. Colorful and beautiful. 

Gabe is sitting on his laptop, occasionally looking over the top of it at Philip. “You should take pictures of everything for your mom while she’s gone,” he says.

“Was planning on it,” Philip says. The camera Lukas got him is on the couch, and it’s rare on normal days to find it anywhere but around his neck. He’d bitched and moaned at Lukas for getting him something so expensive but he fucking treasures it, taking photos of everything that strikes him. 

“It’s gonna be okay, Philip,” Gabe says, nodding at him. “She’s strong, she fought her way back this time and didn’t let it happen. She’s taking care of it. What’s happening is good. She’s gonna make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

Philip isn’t so sure but he doesn’t say anything. He wants to be optimistic, but this came too goddamn close. And now she’s back in rehab again. He’d hoped before, when she first got out, that it was all over, that it wouldn’t happen again. That they were done with this. But in the months after he’d started to realize that any hopes of being completely in the clear were too good to be true. 

“She can do this,” Gabe says. “And she will. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Philip says. 

“Did you text Lukas?” Gabe asks. 

“Yeah, a few minutes ago,” Philip says, absentmindedly looking down at his phone. He sighs to himself. The distance between them is astronomical. There’s nothing he wouldn’t give to fall into Lukas’s arms right about now. 

“You’re lucky, Philip,” Gabe says, closing his laptop. He leans back in his chair. “Not everybody finds love. Especially the way you found it.”

Philip looks up at him, twisting a string of spaghetti around his fork. Most of his food is already gone, but he isn’t really hungry anymore anyway. “Sometimes it hurts,” he says. “Like I feel it in my gut. Pain.”

“A good kind of pain,” Gabe says. “I know what you’re talking about.”

“It’s like I’m holding something precious,” Philip says. “This thing between us. This…love, I guess. And I worry about protecting it.”

“It’s safe with you,” Gabe says, nodding. “Because it’s yours. Yours and his.”

Sometimes it feels like the whole world belongs to them. Like they just need to find their way to each other, link hands and they’ll be capable of anything. Maybe he’d be stronger if Lukas was at his side. Maybe they’d be able to help his mom.

“We’re gonna help fund your trip,” Gabe says. “We don’t really want you spending all your money on the flight, and you can use it while you’re there to eat and do things.”

Philip’s heart sinks. “You guys don’t have to,” he says. “I almost have enough for the plane ticket, that’s…that’s good enough.”

“We want to and we’re going to, alright?” Gabe says. “We want it to go off without a hitch, we want you to have a good time.”

Philip sighs, looking down at his hands. 

“You’re buying your plane tickets soon, right?” Gabe asks.

“We both have our flights picked out, we just have to do it,” Philip says. “I don’t quite have enough for the half I’m paying, Lukas is paying my second half—”

“We can do it this week,” Gabe says. “The flight and the hotel. I can help him too, if he needs.”

“Gabe,” Philip says, widening his eyes a little bit. “Are you sure? Because you don’t have to.” Gabe gives him a look and Philip laughs a little bit, the first time all day. “Okay, okay. Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“My pleasure,” Gabe says. 

“You think I could go call him?” Philip asks. 

“Of course,” Gabe says. “You don’t have to ask me, son.”

Philip smiles, nodding at him, and gets up, heading into his room. He texts Lukas on the way. _You can call me now, if you want to_. He sits down on his bed and lays back, rubbing at his eyes. His phone is buzzing before he knows it. He looks down and his mouth quirks up when he sees the facetime call coming in from Lukas.

He answers it and his breath catches in his throat when he sees the picture.

“Hey baby,” Lukas says. He’s standing in front of a golden sunset, pinks and purples streaking across the sky behind him. “So I went out to the quarry where I knew I’d have this view—I guess this is one of the few perks of being in different time zones, I can give you a second sunset.” He holds the camera out and smiles softly, getting a wonderful view of himself and the stretch of the sky.

Philip just stares at him and feels a lump forming in his throat. This day was awful, one of the worst in a long time. How could he be allowed something so beautiful? He reaches out and takes a quick screenshot, so he can have this image forever.

“You alright?” Lukas asks, quiet.

Philip nods at him. “Yes,” he says. “You’re so—Jesus, Lukas.”

Lukas grins at him. “What do you want to talk about? Anything. Anything you want.”

“You,” Philip says. “Us.”

“That’s easy,” Lukas says, swinging the camera around a little bit. “I think we’re gonna stay in a Hilton. I wanna get you a suite.”

“Gabe said he’d help us,” Philip says.

Lukas’s eyes flick up. “He doesn’t have to.”

“Yeah, I tried that,” Philip says, laughing a little bit. 

“Well, we’ll pay him back eventually,” Lukas says, walking a little bit, still holding the phone out so Philip can see the sky. “Like five years in the future when you’re a high class photographer and I’m your famous motocross champion fiancé.” His voice kinda stutters on the last word and Philip goes stiff. He finds the smile spreading across his face before he can really think about it, and his heart is fluttering faster. “Sorry,” Lukas says, and even though the world around him is glowing red, Philip can tell he’s blushing. 

“Lukas,” Philip says, feeling the weight of the word, the meaning of it, all the shine and wonderment in one name. “I love you,” he says. He feels hope for the future, all of a sudden. Like everything is gonna be okay.

“I love you too, baby,” Lukas says, reaching out and touching the screen. “One hundred days. One hundred days, then I’ll have you in my arms.”

“One hundred days,” Philip whispers. 

_ten thousand more I love you’s._


	9. Chapter 9

_Think of me in your arms_

_I’m gonna kiss your face. Your collarbones. Your neck and your stomach. Your wrists. Your hipbones. Other places >:)_

_We’re gonna hold hands everywhere. Everyone’s gonna know you’re mine._

_Can’t wait to kiss you a million billion times_

_We’re gonna take a shower together, right?_  
_Fuck yeah we’re gonna take a shower together_

_Imagine being in the same time zone_

_I can’t wait to sleep next to you_

_I can’t wait to make love to you_  
_I can’t wait to feel you all over me_

_I love you more than anyone can ever love anything_  
_I love you more than there is love in the world_

April 12th 2018

_Philip: and then we’ll get cabs to the hotel and we’ll meet there._  
_Philip: you go and check in to the hotel_  
_Lukas: you sure you don’t want me to wait for you at the baggage pickup? Bc I can obviously_  
_Philip: noooo that’s way too long_  
_Philip: you can go to the hotel_  
_Philip: it’ll be cute if I can just knock on the door of our room :)_  
_Lukas: our room :)_  
_Philip: :)_  
_Lukas: okay, so I’ll go and check in and wait for you_  
_Lukas: naked_  
_Philip: yes!_  
_Lukas: no!_  
_Philip: yes!_  
_Lukas: no you’ve gotta take all my clothes off me them’s the rules sorry_  
_Philip: okay ookay fine_  
_Lukas: :D_  
_Philip: :D_  
_Lukas: I hope the flights are on time_  
_Philip: me too_  
_Philip: your dad is dropping you off, right?_  
_Lukas: yes_  
_Lukas: “call the police if Philip turns out to be a murderer”_  
_Philip: LOL_  
_Philip: yes I’ll tell you up front_  
_Lukas: good I need to know_  
_Philip: I’m gonna murder you_  
_Philip: …with love_  
_Lukas: just how I like it_  
_Lukas: FIVE WHOLE DAYS WITH YOU_  
_Philip: FIVE DAYS_  
_Philip: how the hell are we gonna leave_  
_Philip: it’s gonna be torture_  
_Lukas: we’ll just plan another trip_  
_Philip: yes_  
_Philip: twenty more_  
_Lukas: a hundred_  
_Lukas: a lifetime_  
_Philip: :) :) :)_  
_Philip: please don’t mind me if I never stop kissing you when I get the chance._  
_Lukas: same :)_  
_Philip: I love you_  
_Lukas: I love you too_

 

April 23rd 2018

Philip watches Helen, Gabe and Mom go through the racks full of clothes like they’re searching for gold. He briefly touches a pair of jeans before drawing his hand back, because his mom literally has four pair of jeans already thrown over her arm for him. 

“What about this jacket?” Helen says, holding up something that’s brown and slim, and Philip knows it can’t possibly be leather because they’re in goddamn _Macy’s_ , but it’s definitely playing at it.

“It’s okay,” Philip says, shifting onto the carpet when a woman and her daughter breeze by, holding so many shopping bags that they might as well be transporting another person along with them.

“It’s nice. He doesn’t know,” Mom says, brushing him off. “He has no fashion sense.”

“Gabe, you need to help me out here,” Philip pleads. “They’re gonna put me in something stupid and then Lukas won’t like me anymore.”

“As if that’s possible,” Mom snorts.

“Okay, ladies,” Gabe says. “Philip is a man of simple tastes—”

“Geeze, you two, you’re acting like we’re looking for jackets with tassels and shoulder pads,” Helen says, clicking her tongue. “I’m just looking for a little color—”

“Let’s stick with blues and greens,” Philip says, fishing his phone out of his pocket. 

“What about purple?” Mom asks, looking up at him expectantly.

Philip drags his fingernail along the ridges of his phone case. “Maybe like…dark purple. Dark dark. Like so dark it’s almost black.”

“Such a wide range of options we have,” Helen says, and Mom giggles. 

Philip shakes his head, composing a message. _I’m trying to get new clothes so you’ll think I’m attractive and the parental units are gonna have me coming over there in some kinda Broadway costume, so stay tuned_

“Are you gonna bring him anything, Philip?” Mom asks, picking out another pair of jeans.

“Like what?” Philip asks, stepping a little deeper into the racks of clothes, eyeing a pale blue shirt folded up on one of the tiered tables. He looks at the giant pile of jeans in Mom’s arms and scoffs. “Do you want me to try all of those on?”

“Yes,” she says, definitively. “And like…a present?” She looks at Helen and shrugs. 

Philip hadn’t really thought about it.

His phone buzzes and he looks down at it. _You? Are always? Attractive? I’m offended you think otherwise? But it’s cute you’re all shopping together. I’ll take a Romeo costume with puffy sleeves, please :)_

Now Philip is wondering about a present. He chews on his lower lip a little bit and glances up, sees that Helen has a pile of shirts and jackets in her arms too. Gabe is the only one who isn’t hoarding clothes. He’s clearly being a lot more selective, which Philip appreciates. Philip hates shopping but he knows he needs a couple new outfits for this trip, because he wants to look as good as he can for Lukas. Even though he knows they’re gonna be spending an extensive amount of time not wearing clothes.

 _Do you want a present?_ Philip messages.

 _You’re my present!_ Lukas says, fast. 

“We eating in the food court after this?” Gabe asks.

“Yes,” Mom says. “I’m in the mood for some Chinese.”

 _But like, I think I wanna bring you something?_ Philip texts, his heart speeding up a little bit. _What should it be?_ He looks up, sees his mom pick out a black button-up shirt. “That’s nice,” he says. 

“Yeah?” she asks, grinning. “It’s soft.” She holds out it for him to feel and he does, imagining Lukas doing the same thing. 

“Yeah, I like it,” Philip says.

_Call me when you get home and we’ll talk about presents :)_

“You think we’re heading out soon?” Philip asks, looking up and seeing Helen reaching for shirts on the wall.

“Uh oh, he’s getting antsy,” Mom says, grinning at him. She walks over and nudges him with her denim pile. “Let’s head towards the fitting room.”

~

He’s lying in bed, running a hand through his hair and listening to Lukas’s voice in his ear. He closes his eyes and smiles to himself. 

“You don’t need to bring me anything,” Lukas says.

“But I want to,” Philip says, a little sing-songy. “Maybe…maybe we should just get each other a little thing. Something small but important.”

“Oh!” Lukas exclaims. “I have an idea.”

“What?” Philip says, finding himself smiling wider.

“We can both get each other different frames, and when we’re together we can take a picture of us and then go to a Walgreens or something and print two copies and put them in our frames and exchange them.”

Philip feels another little pain in his chest and it’s fuckin precious, adorable, amazing. “That’s perfect,” he says, his mind already wandering to the moment when they’ll have to part after being together for five days. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to do it.

“Great,” Lukas says. “I think I’ll kiss your forehead in the picture.”

A wave of warmth. “No, I wanna see your eyes!”

“Okay, okay, okay. We’ll take a _normal_ picture.”

“Don’t you go getting me any extravagant frame,” Philip says.

“I’m gonna get you a twenty four karat gold frame,” Lukas says.

Philip snorts. “You’re such an idiot.”

Lukas hums a little bit. “This idiot wants to know what you’re wearing.”

“Black boxer-briefs and nothing else,” Philip says, shifting a little bit down the bed. 

“My favorite,” Lukas says, and Philip grins. 

~

May 15th 2018

_Philip: wish we could have lined our flights up a bit better_  
_Philip: :(_  
_Philip: keep thinking about you all alone waiting for me_  
_Lukas: I’ll get myself ready for you ;)_  
_Philip: ugh I die_  
_Lukas: no death never never_  
_Philip: nope live forever with you :)_  
_Lukas: <3_  
_Philip: <3_  
_Philip: I’ll probably be getting to the airport just as you’re boarding_  
_Philip: since we gotta sit around and wait for two hours and shit_  
_Lukas: ugh yeah_  
_Lukas: can’t wait can’t wait can’t wait_  
_Philip: me either_

***

June 21st 2018

Graduation isn’t a big to-do for either one of them. They end with pretty good grades, no D’s or F’s, only two C’s between them. They walk the stage within days of each other, and Lukas almost manages to be texting Philip at the same time he receives his diploma. It doesn’t feel like anything to Lukas. He never really liked high school because it never felt like him that was going there. Not the real him. He only started being the real him when he started talking to Philip.

And anyway, what’s coming on the 22nd is more important to both of them than school ending.

Excitement courses through Lukas’s veins. It feels like his whole life has been leading to this. To tomorrow. Tomorrow the world shifts. Tomorrow the waiting stops. Tomorrow he’ll get to see Philip with his own two eyes. Tomorrow he’ll get to hold Philip’s hand. Touch his face. Whisper in his ear that he loves him. 

He cried when he packed the small black frame he picked out for Philip, but he didn’t tell him that. He cries too goddamn much.

Lukas’s phone buzzes and he looks down at it. _Suitcases sitting by the door ohhh it’s happening it’s happening babe._

Lukas is terrified. He’s elated. He’s scared. He’s so scared. What if Philip doesn’t want him? What if he sees him and hates what he sees? What if it’s different, what if they aren’t the same as they are now? What if nothing is how it should be?

 _I sense you are overthinking things_ Philip texts.

Lukas smiles to himself. _Can I call you?_

_Yes yes_

Lukas gets up out of his bed and starts down the stairs, trying to step lightly so they don’t creak too much. He texts Philip again, the light from his screen illuminating his hands. _Come outside and look at the stars with me?_ He brushes his hand against the wall as he goes, heading for the front door. He grabs his key off the hook and puts on his flip flops, going outside.

_Okay two seconds baby baby_

Lukas smiles and pads out into the grass, looking up at the sky. It’s much brighter out here away from the synthetic lights. He wishes Philip could see it like this.

_Call me now_

Lukas nods and dials Philip’s number.

“Lukas?”

Lukas sighs, immediately feeling calmer once he hears his voice. “Hey angel face,” he says. 

“Don’t be worrying about us,” Philip says. “When we get together it’s gonna be exactly like we think it’s gonna be.”

Lukas rubs at his chest. “What if I’m not what you want?” he asks, his voice breaking. 

“You are,” Philip says. “You will be.”

Lukas blows out a breath. 

“Lukas I know you’re scared because we haven’t met, because we’ve been building up to this for so long, and I’m nervous too. But that’s just because I want to get to you. I’m nervous about the journey and the plane and all that shit. Making it into your arms.”

“Me too,” Lukas says, his eyes straining. He stares up at a particularly bright star and thinks of Philip looking at the same one. “I just—”

“Lukas,” Philip says, laughing a little bit, and Lukas feels it all over. “Are you scared you’re not gonna like me?”

“No!” Lukas yells, glancing back at the house because it came out a lot louder than he’d intended. “No. I’m just…terrified I’ll make a misstep somehow. I can’t lose you.” The thought makes him sick. A breeze comes through and whips through his hair, and he quickly brushes it out of his eyes. 

“You won’t,” Philip says. “Lukas, I wanna—I wanna be with you forever. I know it might be too much to say too soon—”

Lukas has said more before, has called himself Philips fiancé on numerous occasions, and he shakes his head. “It’s not. It’s not, Philip, you’re my fucking soulmate.”

From the way Philip laughs, Lukas knows he’s blushing.

“As soon as I see you it’s gonna be like we were never apart,” Philip says. “I promise. I promise. You believe me?”

“Yes,” Lukas says. “I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Philip says. 

Lukas looks up at the sky. “Remember when we first did this? We weren’t even dating.”

“I was trying so hard to be chill with you,” Philip says, laughing. “But it was the most romantic thing I’ve ever done.”

“I even brought a blanket out to lay on,” Lukas says, listening to the crickets chirping. 

“Oh my God, me too,” Philip says, laughing harder. 

There’s a warm silence and Lukas almost forgets his fears. He only wishes they could goddamn teleport. “It’s so beautiful,” Lukas says, eyes scanning over the array of stars. “I love knowing we’re looking at the same sky.”

“Me too,” Philip says. “Our stars.”

“Tomorrow night, Philip,” Lukas says. “Tomorrow night we’re gonna look at it together. Really together. I’m gonna be holding your hand.”

***

June 22nd 2018 10:35 AM

Philip looks up at Mom over his pancakes and watches her grin at him. His cheeks color for the eighteenth time this morning. He feels like his heart is going to rip itself out of his chest. He’s so excited. Today is Lukas. Today is Lukas day. Lukas Lukas Lukas.

“How’s he doing?” Mom asks. 

Philip looks down at his phone and rereads the last text Lukas sent. _Boarding in about an hour. I’m lying on the ground by the gate. I bought a magazine about food. Dad keeps texting me and it’s weird. I love you I love you._

“He’s bored,” Philip says, snorting. He’s surprised at how Bo is acting, and Philip wonders if he suspects what’s going on between them. But if he did, things would most likely be much more insane, and Lukas probably wouldn’t get to come at all. So Philip hopes Bo is just remembering that Lukas is his son and he should respect him and love him. The realizations, confrontations and confessions can come later. 

Philip looks up at his mom again. “Helen and Gabe don’t have to come to see me off.”

Mom scoffs. “They’re already on their way. And anyways they’re coming to hang out with me, seeing you off is just a bonus.”

“Okay,” Philip says, laughing. He texts Lukas. _I’m gonna get there in like an hour and a half, maybe a little less. Noon time my time, so you’ll probably be on the plane already. I’ll text you as soon as I get there and hopefully you can see it before you take off. Be nice to your dad :) Pick out some good food from the magazine and maybe we can try to find it in Chicago :D I love you. I love you._

“Philip,” Mom says, tentatively. “You have everything right?”

“Yes,” Philip says. “I’ve checked eight hundred times.”

Mom clears her throat. “Do you—do you have protection?”

Philip’s mouth drops open and he glances up at her. His whole face goes red now, like the worst sunburn he’s ever had. He does have an entire box of condoms and two bottles of lube in his bag, but he never thought she would actually _ask_ about it. “Mom,” he says, the word coming out in a rush of breath. “What kind of question is that?”

She giggles, shaking her head. “That answers it,” she says. “We don’t have to discuss it.”

He sits back in his seat. “Thank God.”

~ 

Once Helen and Gabe arrive everything seems a lot more real. Philip feels wild, on edge, his whole body pulsing with worry and excitement and need. He’s excited they don’t have to take a cab because it’s so much damn easier to deal with if they park in the garage. They putter around in the apartment for a while and then they pile back into the car, heading for JFK. 

Philip feels a bit like he’s gonna throw up. He just wants Lukas. He wants him now. He texts him, blowing out a breath. _In the car, heading to the airport. Boarding?_

“You doing okay?” Gabe asks, peering back at him in the rearview. 

“Yeah,” Philip says. “I just wish I could skip the whole plane part.”

“Flying was never my favorite,” Helen says. “It’ll go quick, though. Just think about what’s on the other side.”

Philip nods and his phone buzzes. _Ten minutes. Ahh!! Ahhh!!! BABY_

Philip grins, shaking his head. _Baby baby baby oh man. So close. Get the bed ready for me :)_

“Is he excited?” Mom asks, from beside him.

“Yeah,” Philip says, swallowing the lump in his throat.

~

Helen and Gabe park and they all get out, Philip last, after making sure, for the hundredth time, that the frame is tucked away safely in his carry-on. He swallows hard again, watching all the travelers roll their suitcases out of the parking garage and towards the terminal.

His phone buzzes and he looks down at it. _Okay shit is taking too long to go through, I think the service is getting worse. We’re boarding now, I’m in line—send me one more text before I go. I love you. I love you. Next time we talk we’ll be really talking. Face to face. I love you baby._

Philip smiles. _You might land before I even take off :( :( I’ll be with you soon. I love you Lukas. I can’t wait to kiss your cute face._

“Come on, kid,” Helen says, ushering him out from between their car and the next. He walks forward to meet her and sees Gabe hauling his other bag out of the trunk. 

“We gotta go get you checked in, give them your bag,” Mom says, squeezing his shoulder. 

Philip’s phone buzzes. _I just got in my seat. I love you._

They walk towards the street and Philip squeezes his phone in his hand. He falls a bit behind the rest of them as they cross and he watches the people, wondering where everyone is going. Wondering if anyone has a love story like him and Lukas.

He can’t wait to hold him. Can’t wait to touch him. Can’t wait to watch him laugh.

He looks down at his phone as he walks through the crosswalk. He opens up his e-mail to find his flight number when he hears the squealing tire, a sickening scraping sound reaching his ears. He feels the rush of air and glances up, sees the flash of yellow, hears the car horn.

All he remembers next is pain, the world crashing, jarring, harsh and shrill. Gunmetal. Snapping, breaking. Sharp. Fear making him go rigid.

_Not before I meet him. Not before he can hold me. Not before he can kiss me. No, no, no._

A familiar scream. Then a blow so hard that all he knows is darkness.

***

The flight just makes Lukas anxious. He can’t pay attention to the movie they’re playing because he hasn’t gone this long without talking to Philip since they exchanged numbers, unless they’re sleeping. As soon as the captain says they can turn their phones back on Lukas jumps at the chance, and it comes to life when he presses the power button, all kinds of messages coming through. He hears the voicemail sound go off too and he’s excited to hear whatever it is Philip has to say. 

He’s sitting by the window near the middle so he doesn’t even attempt to get up when everybody else does, opening the first message from Philip.

_Lukas, it’s Gabe. Philip is in the hospital._

Lukas’s heart sinks. His vision blurs and goes sharp again, the same words there, the same incomprehensible message. He blinks at it like he’s reading it wrong, his lower lip trembling. He opens the next one.

_A car hit him outside the terminal._

Lukas stares at the message. He reads it once. Twice. Again. Again and again. His eyes are filling with tears and he can’t goddamn move. This can’t be happening it can’t it can’t be happening. He lets out a sob and he covers his mouth, looking at the timestamp. These were an hour ago. 

The voicemail is from ten minutes ago. Lukas dials it and sways forward a little bit, feels like he’s gonna throw up.

Gabe’s voice. _Lukas, it’s Gabe—Philip…Philip…they’ve got him, they’re fixing him up, uh—we’re not sure—we’re not sure what’s happening, uh…it’s been a little bit. We want—we want to get you here, uh…I can get you a flight here tonight, it’ll probably be late, but if you—if you want to come I’m sure he’ll want you here. Call me as soon as you get off the plane, please._

Lukas closes his eyes. He wants to text Philip. He wants to talk to him. He’s fucking terrified, shaking, breathing hard through his mouth, and as soon as he sees the aisle clear he gets up, nearly knocking himself in the head with his own luggage when he gets it down. He almost pukes but stops himself, rushing off the plane.

~

He calls as soon as he’s out of the hallway, and Gabe answers on the second ring.

“Lukas?”

“How is he?” Lukas asks, the tears already evident in his voice. He braces his hand on the wall and bends over a little bit.

“Uh, he’s in—Philip is in a coma.”

Lukas stays still for a second, chills running through him, and he can’t catch himself when he crumples down, knocking his bag over. It’s impossible. There’s no way, no. This can’t be happening. It can’t be. It’s a nightmare. He’s gonna wake up in a cold sweat and call Philip and everything will be okay again.

“Listen to me,” Gabe says, but there’s a loud ringing in Lukas’s ears and he falls back so he’s sitting, grasping at his own shirt. He can’t breathe. “Lukas, listen, the doctors are—they’re very optimistic, okay? Vitals are good, heart rate is good, there’s no brain damage, he isn’t on oxygen, he’s breathing on his own—”

Lukas’s heart is shuddering and he can barely focus on what Gabe is saying. 

“He’s extremely lucky, for how bad the hit was,” Gabe says. “He dislocated his shoulder but they reset it, and they said he won’t even have to wear a sling. He has a concussion, the worst was how—how hard his head hit the ground. Cuts and bruises. Listen, we can talk—you want to come here, right? I can get you a flight, I’m not sure if you listened to my message. I don’t care how much it is, I’ll pay it.”

“Yes,” Lukas says, a tear falling down his cheek. “I don’t care when it is. I’ll do it.”

“Okay,” Gabe says. “I’m gonna look right now. Stay on the phone with me, so I can get your information.”

Lukas retreats in on himself. Falls into a daze. Runs on autopilot. He goes down to the luggage carousel and gets his bag, and he knows he’s crying, knows people see the tears streaming down his face but he can’t stop it. He isn’t gasping for breath, he isn’t sobbing, he just sits down on the ground with his bags and answers Gabe’s questions. He keeps crying. He can’t stop.

He needs to talk to Philip. He needs to talk to him. Nothing else matters. Lukas needs him. He needs him he needs him he needs him.

“Okay,” Gabe says, finally. “I stuck with Delta so you’re already where you need to be. Just go to the desk, tell them the situation and get your ticket, go back through security. You want me to cancel your hotel?”

“No,” Lukas rasps. “I’ll—I’ll do it.”

“He needs you, Lukas,” Gabe says. “We told them the situation and they said it’ll be very good for him to hear your voice.”

“I’ll…I’ll be there,” Lukas says. 

“Call me if you have any trouble,” Gabe says. “And I’ll come get you from the airport. I’ll be there waiting okay?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. 

They hang up and Lukas realizes how fast his heart is beating.

~

He doesn’t have much trouble with the new flight, although it’s four hours away. He doesn’t know how the fuck Gabe did it but he doesn’t question it. He rechecks his bag. Everyone looks at him in pity when they hear what he tells of the story, and they upgrade him and lead him through security, one of the women buying him a milkshake and settling him by what’ll be his gate.

He takes maybe three sips before he abandons it. 

He almost texts Philip a hundred times. It terrifies him that he can’t, and he feels like someone cut off one of his arms. 

He absentmindedly cancels the hotel and the return flight, telling them his reasons like a robot. His eyes can’t focus. His voice is monotone and he barely recognizes it. The airline gives him his money back, which surprises him, and the hotel says they’ll refund him if he provides them with proof. Lukas doesn’t know what the fuck that means, so he tells them he’ll get back to them.

Gabe texts him a couple times from his own number, which Lukas is grateful for. If it had come from Philip’s number again, it probably would have broken him. 

He doesn’t move for hours.

The plane is smaller than the last one and he barely remembers getting on, barely remembers them helping him find his seat, which has more legroom than the others and is right at the front. He isn’t thinking. He can’t stop shaking. He doesn’t really look at anything. 

He hardly registers takeoff.

He barely notices the flight attendant kneeling beside him. “Sweetheart,” she says, and it’s like she knows, and he wonders if the other women he talked to earlier told her. “Do you need anything?”

He looks at her. Her brown eyes.

Philip. Philip. Philip is in a coma. Philip got hurt so bad this time, impossibly bad, and he’s in a coma. Lukas can’t speak to him because he can’t speak back. Something has taken Philip from him and nothing has ever felt so dark, so lonely, than a world without Philip’s voice.

Lukas’s face crumples and he shakes his head. “I’m afraid,” he whispers, before he wants to. Usually he calls Philip when he feels like this, and Philip can soothe him into something calmer, happier, can even get him to smile.

_I love you, Lukas, I can’t wait to hold you, babe._

Lukas covers his face with his hands and cries.

~

He never, ever thought he’d be meeting Gabe first, and he feels like an asshole when he can’t hug him back. 

“How is he?” Lukas manages, and he can’t imagine what the hell his face looks like. 

“The same,” Gabe says, as they head down to get his bag. “Listen, they said this—they said it seems short term. It’s a form of shock. Like he’s hiding, as if he thinks something else is going to happen and he’s trying to guard against it. But he’s reacting to things and they seem to well and truly believe he’ll snap out of it soon. They said we shouldn’t worry unless it lasts more than two days.”

Lukas presses his lips together in a thin line. 

“You being there will help,” Gabe says, touching Lukas’s shoulder. “I’m positive.”

~

Lukas doesn’t even look at New York through the window. He hadn’t planned on being here, not now, not like this. He never thought being in Philip’s time zone would feel like the worst thing in the world. He gets more and more nervous as they near the hospital. This isn’t how he wanted to meet him. He’s terrified. Philip is gonna be laid up in a fucking hospital bed instead of up and around, his beautiful, vibrant self. He won’t be able to speak. He won’t be able to move. 

Lukas is breathing so hard when he signs in at the front desk and gets his stupid fucking sticker. The word narrows down as he follows Gabe through the hall and into the elevator. The piercing noise is screaming in his ears and he’s scared, he’s so scared. Scared to see him like this. Scared the doctors are wrong. Scared he won’t wake up. Scared he’ll be gone and every bit of happiness Lukas found will go with him. That Lukas will go with him too.

They approach the door at the end of the hall and Lukas stops, swaying a little bit. Gabe turns to look at him, his brows furrowed. 

Lukas feels the tears coming again but they feel more crazed now. “I’m afraid,” he whispers. “I’m—I’m scared to see—see him like this.”

“He’s still Philip,” Gabe says, reaching out and squeezing his arm. “He’s still your same Philip, okay? The cut on his forehead is bad but some of the beatings he took in school looked worse, and you saw those, right?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, and it feels like his throat is closing up.

“The worst one is on his stomach, so you won’t even see it,” Gabe says. “Uh, his eyelids flutter a little bit but that shouldn’t bother you.”

Lukas loves his eyelids and his eyelashes. He always thinks about kissing them.

“He looks like he’s sleeping,” Gabe says. “I already told Anne and Helen you’re coming, so they’re in there but they’re gonna give you a moment with him when you come in, without barraging you with questions and information.”

Lukas nods. He takes a few big breaths. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” Gabe says. “I know it.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, rubbing his eyes. 

“You ready to go?” Gabe asks, looking at him like he’s afraid to spook him. 

After a moment, Lukas nods.

He feels like he’s in a dream. Like they’re walking in slow motion, like the air is thick, a bog, a swamp, and they’re barely wading through it. Gabe pushes the door open and it takes forever. But then Lukas sees the figure in the bed.

It’s almost as if he wasn’t actually expecting Philip to be there. Like the bed would be empty because this whole thing is his fever dream, from the very moment he saw the picture in Sociology. But Philip is there. And he looks like an angel. His chest rises and falls, the hospital gown thin over his chest. His lips are parted slightly, his eyelashes so long against his cheeks. His hands are at his sides, his long delicate fingers twitching a little bit. The sheets are pulled up over his hips so Lukas can’t see his legs. 

This is it. The moment they’ve been waiting for, all this time, and Philip isn’t awake to enjoy it. He’s hurt, in a fucking coma, and Lukas can’t believe it. They deserve so much more this. He wanted to spin Philip around while he kissed him. He wanted to hug him for a full five minutes, and just breathe him in. He wanted to hear him speak. He wanted to hear him laugh. 

This is it. Philip is there, right in front of him. The most beautiful person in the world and even like this, he’s beautiful. A perfect thing, ten times more elegant and lovely in real life than he was in pictures and videos. Lukas can’t believe such a person loves him.

That love is locked away. Philip can’t say it. He can’t express it. Lukas feels a pang of hurt and regret in his chest, which is bursting and blooming in conflicting emotions. That’s Philip, right there. His Philip, right there, in front of him, finally. Inches away. No screen between them, no states, no miles and miles and miles. 

But it’s not the right way. None of this is right.

There are cuts and bruises on his arms, one bad one on the hinge of his jaw. Lukas just stands there in the doorway, struck silent, and it’s like all the things he’s said to Philip are hanging in the air around them. All the dirty things too, and he feels strange, like he shouldn’t have said them. He feels like he led him here.

Lukas can’t stop staring at him. His hair, waving against his forehead. His plush lips. His cheeks, his chin, his shoulders. Lukas can’t believe he’s real. 

“You can sit down,” Gabe’s voice whispers, and Lukas nods, still not tearing his eyes away from Philip’s form.

He almost doesn’t make it into the chair but he finally does, scooting forward a little bit. He stares at Philip’s face. Watches for signs of movement. Maybe he’ll sense him and he’ll wake up. Maybe he’ll know he’s here. 

“You can touch him,” a woman’s voice says, and Lukas finally looks away from Philip and searches the corner of the room. Anne and Helen are sitting there, and Lukas knows that it was Anne that said it. He feels like his whole body weighs a thousand pounds and he can’t bring himself to wave, only to share a pathetic smile before he looks down at Philip again. “He’d…he’d want you to hold his hand,” Anne says. She sounds so small. So defeated. He can tell she's been crying. Of course she has.

Lukas is terrified. Like if he touches him he’ll break him. Make it worse, somehow. But it feels like all of him is on fire, itching to touch him, hold him, kiss him, and he has to start somewhere. He scoots forward until his knees hit the edge of the bed, and he reaches out with shaking hands, resting one on Philip’s elbow, weaving their fingers together with the other. He hates how limp he is, but his skin is smooth, the hair so light on his arms. Lukas traces his fingertips over one of the purple bruises on Philip’s elbow and holds his hand a little tighter.

He leans in, the tears already gathering in his eyes because he can’t believe it. His Philip. He’s touching him, so close to him. It’s the best and worst sort of dream. He moves to whisper in his ear, sniffling a little bit.

“Hey baby,” he whispers, his voice wavering. “It’s me. It’s Lukas, I’m—I’m here.” He hangs his head for a second and sucks in a few big breaths. “God, I—thought I missed you before.” He laughs and he hates how it sounds, and the tears fall from his eyes and land on the mattress. “I miss you so much and you’re…you’re right...right here. I love you. I love you, I love you.”

He’s trembling and he reaches up, lightly brushing Philip’s hair back from his forehead. It’s so soft and somehow that makes him cry more, shaking his head. 

“God, Philip,” he whispers. “Wake up, babe. You gotta—I need to talk to you. Not about anything in particular, just…everything,” he gasps, swallowing hard. “I need to see those eyes.”

There’s silence for a few minutes and Lukas just stares at him, tracing his eyes over every inch of him. The height of his cheekbone. The light dusting of freckles across the bridge of his nose. The little ridge in his lip where he bit it so hard yesterday. The dip in his neck. His collarbones. 

Lukas loves him. He loves him so much that it feels like every bit of his life is meant for Philip. And he thought he felt helpless before. He doesn’t even know what this is.

“I’m in your time zone now, baby,” Lukas says, trying to smile. “I’m here. We’re together.”

“I’m sorry, Lukas,” Helen says. He looks up at her, sees that she’s clutching her hands in her lap. “I just—we feel like—I don’t know.”

“She’s been taking responsibility,” Gabe says, next to her. “We should have been keeping an eye on him. He was too far behind us.”

“He wouldn’t want…wouldn’t want that,” Lukas says, clearing his throat, absentmindedly brushing his thumb back and forth across Philip’s hand. “He’s his own person, he wouldn’t want anyone…blaming themselves.” But he’s blaming himself. Philip was coming to see him. He wouldn’t have been at the airport if it wasn’t for him. “What happened to the car?” Lukas asks, anger rising in his throat. 

“It was a cab,” Anne says, brushing her hair behind her ear. “The driver…had a heart attack,” she says. “Hit the gas instead of the break.”

That wasn’t what Lukas was expecting. He looks back at Philip’s face.

None of this is right.

~

His phone starts ringing about an hour later, and his first thought is that Philip is calling, even though he’s still sitting here holding his hand. Lukas takes his phone out of his pocket and his heart sinks when he sees that it’s his dad. 

He starts breathing fast, gently taking his hand from Philip’s and reluctantly moving out into the hallway. He doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know what to tell him. His whole body is strung tight and he feels ill. 

“Hello?” he says, sounding like a child.

“Lukas,” Dad’s voice says. “It’s been goddamn hours since you landed. I know you don’t want me cramping your style, but—”

“Dad,” Lukas says, feeling like a child now. “I’m—I’m in New York.”

There’s silence. “What?” Dad asks. “New York. Why? What in the hell is going on?”

Lukas’s face crumples and he tries to keep the tears at bay, he tries, he tries, but he can still feel the weight of Philip’s hand in his own. “Dad,” he says, everything breaking, the walls in his head coming down. “Dad, Philip got in an accident and he’s—he’s in a coma and I had—I had to come here—”

“Jesus Christ,” Dad breathes.

Lukas can’t stop talking. There’s a smarter version of himself yelling in his head, yelling at him to shut up, keep quiet, don’t do this now, but he can’t stop. It’s coming out of him in waves, maybe because there’s so much distance that he feels safe. Maybe because it’s been building for too long. Maybe because it’s time. 

Maybe because Philip waking up is the only thing that matters anymore.

“I love him, Dad,” Lukas stutters. “I love him, I—I’m in love with him.”

There’s silence.

“I’m gay, Dad, but I’ve never looked at another person like I look at Philip. Fuck, it was love at first sight, as soon as I saw his picture, and it just got deeper with every word we exchanged. He’s the first person I talk to in the morning and the last one I talk to at night. He makes me want to keep living. He makes me want to do things, take risks. He makes me feel important, like—like I’m something that I should be proud of. And I know you hate me. I know you’ll hate me now more than you ever did.”

“Lukas—” and he sounds strange, confused, like a different person.

But Lukas keeps talking. “But none of it matters. Jesus Christ, I can’t lose him,” Lukas sobs, covering his mouth again, his vision going blurry with tears. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t live my life if he’s not in it. I don’t believe anybody and I won’t feel safe again until he fucking wakes up, Dad. I’m sorry that I am who I am but I just—I can’t go on without him, I can’t, I can’t—” He’s hyperventilating now, pressing his forehead to the wall and gasping for breath.

“Lukas,” Dad says again. “Breathe. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Come on.”

Lukas does it, hiccupping a little bit. 

“Keep going, okay? In through your nose and out through your mouth.”

Lukas keeps doing it. 

“That’s it,” Dad says, and Lukas hears him heave a sigh.

“Dad, I’m sorry,” Lukas whispers, squeezing his eyes shut tight, his heart hammering in his ears. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Dad says, but it isn’t harsh or rude. “What have the doctors said?”

Lukas takes another breath. “I haven’t spoken to any of them…myself but Gabe says they think…that they’re optimistic.”

“Well that’s a good thing,” Dad says. “Doctors are very straightforward and they don’t say things they don’t mean.”

Lukas nods, breathing hard through his mouth. His eyes are burning. “He said we should worry if it…if it lasts more than two days.”

“It happened today?” Dad asks.

“Yes,” Lukas says, a renewed batch of tears threatening as he thinks about it. Today was supposed to be so good. It was supposed to be their day. They were gonna take their first picture. They were gonna look at the stars together. Lukas thinks about himself in his front lawn on the phone last night, and he can barely believe it. It feels like another life. 

“Then he’ll wake up tomorrow,” Dad says. 

“I hope so,” Lukas whispers. He’s starting to realize what he just did. What he’s done. Rocked his own fucking world down to its core. Destroyed everything. “I need to—get back to him,” he says. “In case he wakes up.”

“Lukas,” Dad says. “Keep me updated. Call me. We’ll…talk about the other stuff when this is all resolved.”

Lukas swallows hard. “Okay,” he says, his voice trembling.

“Just try and relax,” Dad says. 

“I will.”

~

He walks back into the room a few minutes later, wiping at his eyes. “Which shoulder of his is hurt?” he asks, looking up and making eye contact with Gabe. 

“The left,” Gabe says. “Farthest from you.”

Lukas nods, sitting back down and retaking Philip’s hand. He lays his head down on the bed close to Philip’s shoulder and cuddles up to him. He smells so good, like new clothes, old books. Another tear falls and Lukas draws in a breath, closing his eyes. 

“Wake up, Philip,” he whispers. “Wake up.”


	10. Chapter 10

June 23rd 2018 5:45 AM

Lukas wakes up to his stomach rumbling and his neck hurts when he lifts his head off the bed. He peers down and Philip looks exactly as he did before. Lukas hoped he would have moved a little. Lukas hoped there would be some kind of sign this nightmare was coming to a close.

Lukas hoped for a lot of things. 

He sees that Anne is asleep in the corner chair too, and he wonders why she’s so far away. He feels like they’re all blaming themselves. Helen and Gabe aren’t here right now but he knows they’ll probably be coming back pretty early. They’d almost insisted he get a hotel, said they’d pay for it, but Lukas doesn’t want them paying for anything else of his. Anyways, he can’t imagine leaving Philip. Not when he could wake up at any minute. 

Lukas has to be here when it happens.

The sun is rising through their window and Lukas stares at it, the orangey glow cascading over the city. He knows Philip would love this view. Lukas can’t wait for him to wake up so he can see it. 

Lukas looks down at him. He holds his hand out by Philip’s nose and feels the air going out. He watches the IV drip over on the other side of the bed. He rubs at his eyes and scoots closer. He adjusts the hospital gown a little bit around Philip’s neck and wonders how they fuck they got it on him. He can’t stand thinking about anything from the moment the car hit him to the second he arrived here in this bed. His body limp, bloody. Them taking his clothes. Clothes he was wearing to try and look cute for Lukas. 

None of this seems fucking real. Lukas knows this kind of shit happens in the world but he never thought it would happen to them, never thought it would happen to Philip. Not someone so precious, someone so good and kind. It isn’t fucking fair.

“Good morning, Philip,” Lukas whispers, tracing his fingers over the back of Philip’s hand. “I love you. I’m here. Come back to me.” He picks up Philip’s hand gently and kisses his knuckles, hoping he can feel it. He holds it to his cheek for a moment, trying to remember how to breathe. Philip’s eyelids flutter a little bit and Lukas takes it as a good sign.

He thinks about the dumb shit he said to his dad and he can’t believe himself. He can’t believe he let his guard down like that, can’t believe he spilled it all without even thinking. It was pure panic coursing through his veins, everything culminating and burying him. He can’t believe he did it. He knows it’s gonna come back and bite him in the ass. The only reason why Dad didn’t start freaking out was because he was too focused on getting Lukas to stop crying. He never likes it when he cries. 

A shiver goes through Lukas when he remembers what he said. He goddamn let it all out. Gay, in love with Philip. He’s a dead man walking. He might as well stay here and never leave.

He rests Philip’s hand back on the bed. “Jesus, I need to talk to you,” Lukas whispers, shaking his head. “I have so much shit I need to tell you.”

He needs to message Rose. He feels kinda sick at the thought but she was so excited for him, and she deserves to know. He knows it’s too early to text her now so he pulls his phone out of his pocket and composes an e-mail, knowing how often she checks it to get her mail from OSU. 

_The whole world has fucking ended, Rose. As soon as I got off the plane Gabe called me and told me Philip got hit by a fucking car. He’s in a coma. They flew me out to New York. I can’t believe this happened. I feel like this shit is me. My bad luck, my bad karma for hiding who I am for such a long time. Like I’m not allowed to have the person I love because of it. Why couldn’t the car have fucking hit me?_

_I’m in New York. I don’t know when I’m coming back. But not until he wakes up._

He sends it and sighs to himself, putting his phone on the bedside table. Philip’s phone is sitting there too, where Gabe sat it last night, and it makes Lukas feel a little sick to look at it. The screen is cracked, looks like a blistering representation of this entire fucked up situation. Lukas presses the home button and when the phone lights up he sees his own face there. It’s a dumb selfie he took for Philip at three in the morning one night, right before they’d had phone sex. Yesterday Gabe said he locked the phone by accident after he got Lukas’s number out of it, and now they can’t get into it again. 

Lukas presses the home button again and stares at himself. Philip would be better off if he’d never goddamn met him.

“Lukas,” Anne’s voice says, and his heart jolts when he looks up at her. “You okay, sweetheart?”

Hearing her call him that reminds him of his mom. His memories of her are faded, tucked away in a small part of his mind, but he remembers she’d always call him that. It made him feel really good. Loved.

He clears his throat. “Just, uh, waiting on him,” he says. 

“Me too,” Anne says. She gets up and seems a little bit unsteady on her legs, walking over and sitting in the chair on Philip’s other side. She brushes his hair back and smiles down at him, a smile that makes Lukas’s heart hurt. “You don’t even know how much this one talks about you,” she says. 

Lukas laughs a little bit, staring at Philip’s beautiful face.

“He’s always been sort of a quiet little thing,” Anne says. “He was the best baby. Hardly ever cried. He slept through the night, he was just—the best. Never a little chatterbox even as he was growing up. But as soon as he told me about you…” She smiles up at him, shaking her head slowly. “I’ve never seen him like that. He just…lights up, when he talks about you.”

Lukas is fucking crying _again_ and he wipes at his eyes, grabbing Philip’s hand. “What does he say?” Lukas asks, his voice breaking. 

“Oh, everything,” Anne says, laughing a little bit. “’Oh, Lukas is the best motocross rider, I can’t wait to watch him ride. Oh, Lukas just made my day. Oh, Lukas is so sweet, so cute, you’ll never guess what he said.’”

Lukas laughs, covering his face with his free hand. “I’m so sorry,” he says. “I bet you wanna hear about something else.”

“No,” Anne says, brushing her fingers over Philip’s cheek when Lukas looks up at her again. “It’s the best. Seeing him happy, happy and in love, it’s—it’s a wonderful thing.”

Lukas’s heart rattles a little bit. “I only want him to be happy,” he says, tracing his fingers up and down Philip’s arm. “Forever.”

Anne looks down, chewing on her lower lip. “I’m sure you know about me,” she says. “My, uh—well, how do you even say it? My issues, I guess.”

Lukas goes a little cold and doesn’t say anything. 

“I don’t want to hurt him either,” she says, her eyes shining. “Helen and Gabe help, they help so much, both of us—I’m so happy he has them, when I’m—when I can’t—” She sighs, shaking her head. She looks at Lukas. “I’m trying so hard. For him. It’s all for him.”

“He knows,” Lukas says. “He’s so proud of you.”

Anne nods and coughs, sighing again as she sits back. Lukas’s stomach growls and he’s instantly embarrassed of how loud it is.

“Hungry?” Anne asks, brightening up a little bit.

“No, I’m—I’m okay,” Lukas lies, trying to punch his stomach inconspicuously where she can’t see. He doesn’t want to bother anyone. He also doesn’t want to leave. He’s only been to the bathroom twice since he got here, and he ran so fast that he got his heart rate up double its normal rate. 

“Please,” Anne says, clicking her tongue. She gets up and walks over to her purse, rummaging through it. “Helen and Gabe are gonna head over here in a little while, their hotel is close. They can pick up breakfast.”

“I don’t wanna impose on anything,” Lukas says, feeling a little cold. “They’ve already paid enough for me, I owe them for a while.”

“Lukas,” Anne says, pulling her phone out of her purse. She points at Philip. “That boy right there would have absolutely murdered the three of us if we had left you in Chicago. It was never even a thought that occurred to us, we were getting you here no matter what. So yes, we’re gonna feed you.”

Lukas nods, blushing a little bit. He hasn’t really felt like a part of something in a long time. Not since his mom died. He just needs Philip to wake up and then he can enjoy this. He loves the dynamic here. He loves that Philip and Anne have Helen and Gabe to support them. 

He watches Anne type out a text, and she seems to be concentrating hard. “What do you want?” she asks, not looking up at him.

Lukas looks at Philip. There’s a curl that Lukas absolutely needs to touch and he reaches up, running his fingers through Philip’s hair. It’s so goddamn soft. Lukas lets his thumb gently brush against the cut on Philip’s forehead. He knows it might leave a scar. “What would Philip want?” Lukas asks. 

“When someone other than me is making him breakfast,” Anne says, laughing a little bit, “he gets the works. Pancakes, sunny-side up eggs, French toast, hash browns.”

Lukas snorts, grinning, a wave of affection for his boyfriend running through him. “Would it be too much to ask to have the Philip special?”

“You can absolutely have the Philip special,” Anne says, and she almost sounds relieved, like it would have affected her to not put in Philip’s order. “And I’ll make sure to tell him you had it when he wakes up.”

Lukas squeezes Philip’s hand, staring down at him. “Hear that, babe?” he says. “ _When_ you wake up.”

Lukas wants to say _we’re on the clock now. You have to wake up before tomorrow. Or they’re gonna start worrying. And then I’m gonna start worrying even more._

_You can’t leave me. You’ve gotta wake up._

But Lukas just stares at him. He doesn’t exactly pray anymore, but he does talk to his mom. So he glances over to make sure Anne is still texting, and then he leans down, pressing his forehead to Philip’s shoulder.

_Mom help me. Help me. Make him wake up. I already lost you, but I can’t lose him too. Please help me. Put a good word in with whoever. Just give him back to me._

~

Helen and Gabe arrive with the food and only then does Lukas realize how goddamn hungry he really is. He sorta hates eating Philip’s favorite breakfast right in front of him, and he wonders how long it’s been since Philip ate. He closes his eyes and sits back in his seat, drumming his hand on the side of his Styrofoam container. He knows he first set eyes on him yesterday, but he feels kinda lost when he isn’t holding Philip’s hand.

“You okay, Lukas?” Gabe asks, and both he and Helen look up at him.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Lukas says, because there’s really no point in voicing his concerns. They’re all thinking the same thing here. Worrying about the same person. 

“I know you must not have gotten a good night’s sleep last night,” Helen says. “You really need to sleep in a bed.”

“I know, but I…”

“You know he can’t leave him,” Anne says, eating a piece of toast and shaking her head at Helen. “Philip can wake up whenever. It’d be good if Lukas was here for that.”

“Wish we had some kind of lounge chair,” Helen says, with a sigh. They’d managed to get a private room, which Lukas is grateful for, because he doesn’t think he’d be able to deal with another family being around.

There’s a brief knock at the door and the nurse named Nicole comes in, briefly smiling at them.

“How’s everyone this morning?” she asks, and Lukas thinks she sounds too goddamn cheerful for being in a room where Philip is in a fucking coma.

“We’re okay,” Gabe answers, because Lukas, Anne and Helen are all wearing the same expression.

She checks some things on Philip’s screen, writes a couple lines down on her clipboard, redoes his IV. Then she shines a flashlight in Philip’s eyes and Lukas feels himself getting weirdly and overtly territorial. He scoots closer and sets his jaw and wishes Philip would wake the fuck up right now and tell her to stop touching him like he’s a goddamn doll. But Lukas watches Philip’s arms twitch, his fingers moving, contracting in and out.

“He’s moving,” Lukas says, his heart in his throat.

“He’s still having good reactions,” Nicole says. She puts her flashlight aside and pinches Philip’s arm. 

“Uh,” Lukas says, his ears going hot.

“Look,” Nicole says, and Lukas hears Anne’s chair slide back as she approaches.

Philip’s eyes open, then close again.

Lukas starts breathing faster and he nearly drops his entire container of food on the ground. “He’s waking up?” he asks, half-yelling. 

“Not yet, but he’s having a good response to stimuli,” Nicole says. 

Lukas watches his eyelids, watching them flutter. But then he goes still again. Lukas watches for a long time and feels ill again. It was too close for it not to have been the moment. They all need this so bad. Anne sits back down and Nicole takes Philip’s blood pressure, checks his pulse. 

“We still feel very optimistic, and I do even more so after this,” she says. “He seems like he’s right on the edge. Just stay close, keep him involved, talk to him, touch him.”

“Is there anything in particular you think he needs to hear?” Helen asks. 

“It’s hard to really pinpoint those things,” Nicole says, holding her clipboard against her chest. “Sometimes, when the comas are like this, it’s still a form of fear, like we said before. Lukas, we know the situation, you two meeting up; I’m not necessarily saying this is true, but he could potentially think of himself as a burden to you in this state. That you won’t want him because he’s injured, because this is a delicate situation. We’ve seen things like that before and confirmed them when the patient woke up. But I can’t speak for Philip.”

Lukas kind of zones into his own head after that, vaguely hearing Nicole and the adults exchange some words.

Could Philip think that? Could his mind have led him here? Could he think that he needs to hide because Lukas won’t want him now that he’s been hurt? It’s fucking insane. It makes Lukas angry. It makes him want to yell at Nicole and throw things and have a fucking tantrum. He doesn’t want to imagine Philip thinking that. Lukas feels sick thinking about it. He’d want him no matter what. Philip has to know that.

He scoots forward once Nicole is gone and takes Philip’s hand again. He holds it against his chest and covers it with his other hand too. He leans in close so his mouth is right next to Philip’s ear, and he doesn’t really care if anybody is listening to him. He only wants Philip to listen. 

“I’ll want you no matter what,” Lukas whispers. “Even if you could never walk again. Even if you couldn’t see, couldn’t speak. I will always want you, Philip.”

He feels the slightest pressure, and his breath catches in his throat. He looks down, his heart going wild. He’s sure he’s gonna have a goddamn heart attack.

“He’s squeezing my hand,” Lukas says, his mouth dry.

“What?

“Really?”

“He is?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, his eyes going glassy again. They gather around him but Lukas is afraid to move, for fear of Philip stopping and retreating back again.

“That nurse got him going,” Helen says. “He’s probably glad she’s gone.”

“Telling Lukas to keep her back,” Gabe says, and Anne laughs.

Lukas stares at him. Looks at their hands. 

“That’s it, Philip,” Lukas says, smiling, feeling a little crazy. “I’m here. I’m here.”

~

Philip doesn’t do it again, though Lukas keeps trying to goad him into it. He touches him more, kisses his knuckles, his palm. He touches his forehead and worries a little bit about him getting a fever. 

A doctor comes in around lunch time and pulls out that same statement they heard before. _If he doesn’t wake up before tomorrow we can start really worrying._ Lukas doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing now, because he goddamn worries when Philip stubs his toe, let alone when he’s laid up in a coma. He felt good, earlier, when Philip was squeezing his hand. He’s there. He’s there, he’s teetering on the edge and he’s so close to waking up. So close to speaking. He has to know Lukas is here, that he’s not going anywhere, for any fucking reason.

Lukas doesn’t know what to do to convince him. He feels like it’s up to him. 

He doesn’t know how to think properly anymore. He feels like he’s slipped into an alternate universe where everything is awful and nothing makes sense. 

“You think he might want to hear some music?” Anne asks, sitting close on the other side of the bed. 

“That’s a good idea,” Helen says. 

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “He and I, uh—we have a playlist. Sometimes we would just…listen to it on the phone and not even really talk. It was nice.”

“Then it’s definitely a good idea,” Gabe says. 

Lukas is getting used to doing everything one-handed because he’s clutching at Philip at all times. He drags his backpack close with his foot and pulls out his iPod and his little speaker, putting the speaker on the bedside table. He starts their playlist from the beginning, and _Fools_ starts to play. He puts his iPod aside too and sighs.

It’s strange to be reminded of Philip when he’s right there. To miss him when he’s so close. Lukas is in pain all over. Every second of this is agony. He knows he’d make a deal with the devil to end it. To make Philip open his eyes for real. To make him take his first conscious breath with Lukas in the room. He misses his voice. The dumb shit they say to each other to make the other laugh. How they’d whisper dirty things in each other’s ears that somehow didn’t feel dirty at all—they felt more like promises, like plans. And then they really would plan. For this, this trip that was never to be, and all the trips after. The days when they plan on living together. Years and years from now when they’re older and still together. 

Lukas remembers Philip’s words. _I don’t want there to be a single day when I’m apart from you._

Lukas thinks the same. He closes his eyes and listens to the music, the rest of them sitting in silence. His phone buzzes in his lap. He opens his eyes and sees that it’s Rose. 

_Oh my God, Lukas, I’m so sorry, I had no service. Oh my God, I’m sorry—what’s happening now, how is he? God I’m sorry. Don’t think those things about yourself. It isn’t any kind of lesson, it was just a shit thing but I have faith it’ll get better. You two are meant to be together._

Lukas stares at it. He feels like he’s exhausted himself. He doesn’t know what to say to her, he doesn’t know when to call his dad or how to explain himself to him, either. Everything is so fucking scary and he feels lost, alone.

He hadn’t really realized how much he relied on Philip’s guidance now that he doesn’t have it.

~

The day passes in unfilled minutes, in Helen talking about her deputy Tony back home holding down the fort, Gabe talking about the most recent patients he had, two sheepdogs that nearly tore open their couch. Lukas tries to listen, tries to participate, but his heart isn’t in it. He doesn’t message Rose back. He doesn’t call Dad. He doesn’t do much of anything but worry. He eyeballs the doctors who come in, especially the ones who don’t say much, who don’t have optimism in their eyes. He wishes Nicole would come back through, despite how much he hates when she pinches Philip’s arm and the dumb shit she says that makes Lukas panic.

Dad texts once, a simple _I hope things are getting better_ and Lukas replies _Thanks_ and nothing more. He doesn’t know what to do with the situation he made himself. He can’t try to manage it until he hears Philip’s opinion.

Helen and Gabe make him take a shower and he doesn’t think he’s ever moved so damn fast. He thinks it’s basically a waste of time but he does want to smell good for when Philip wakes up. Because he’s gonna. Any time now.

Philip squeezes Lukas’s hand again a little bit after Helen and Gabe leave for the night, and Lukas had been chattering on about nothing to Anne. He wishes he had paid more attention to what he was saying so he knew what set off the reaction. It’s getting too late. It’s closing in on the third day of this hell. It can’t go past that. Because then it’ll be a fourth, a seventh, a month. Six months.

Lukas will wither away here next to him.

At about ten Anne walks over and kisses his cheek, squeezing his shoulder. “You need to sleep,” she says, leaning over to kiss Philip’s forehead before wandering over to her chair. “You gotta be ready for him to wake up.”

This is the second day. It’s fucking ending. He doesn’t say it, though. He can’t say it. It’s bad enough to think it. It makes him dizzy.

“I will,” Lukas says, watching her curl up in her chair. 

“Wake me if he wakes up,” Anne says, propping her jacket up on the arm of the chair, leaning her head on it. 

She’d said the same thing the night before. Lukas can’t hear it again. He can’t.

“I will,” he repeats, clearing his throat.

~

He can’t sleep. 

He watches Philip’s fingers twitch. His toes, under the blankets. His eyes almost open a few more times but Lukas has gotten used to differentiating what’s waking and what’s not. None of this is. Not yet. It almost seems like he’s struggling. Like something is bogging him down. Like he needs a life raft to get back up. 

Lukas wants to goddamn give it to him. 

He lays his head close to Philip’s ear and plays with his fingers, thumbing over his knuckles. He’s glad he’s not in the side with the IV. He sings in a whisper, the way they have on the phone when their parents were sleeping but they had to express the bursting love in their hearts.

“ _We’re alike you and I. Two blue hearts locked in our wrong minds, so can we make the most out of no time? Can you hold me? Can you make me leave my demons and my broken pieces behind?”_

He can’t keep going because his whisper cracks, the ability to carry on stolen from him. He needs Philip’s soft sighs, raspy laughs, the way he joins in. Not this silence.

Lukas picks his head up and scoots closer to the bed, as close as he can get. He brushes Philip’s hair back from his forehead and hovers over him. “Listen,” he whispers, glancing up to see if he’s disturbing Anne, but she doesn’t stir. “Listen,” Lukas says again. “We had a date, Philip. I’m feeling pretty stood up. I’ve got your frame, I’ve got that candy bar you’re supposed to try, I’ve got Mission Impossible 4, which I know you’re excited for. I know you are.”

Lukas swallows hard, and he won’t cry, not again, not again, not again.

“There’s so much waiting for you,” Lukas says, quiet. “All of us love you. And me—God. I love you. I love you so much, so much goddamn more now because I know what it feels like not to have you. In a completely different way than we knew before. It’s torture, Philip, having you right here—I know how alive you are—” and he guesses he has no dominion over his tears because they flood his eyes, a few tracking down his face. “Baby, you have reduced me to a goddamn mess,” he says, laughing a little bit, but his heart isn’t in it. 

He squeezes Philip’s hand, but Philip doesn’t squeeze back. 

Lukas leans in, pressing his forehead to Philip’s temple. “You’re gonna wake up,” he whispers. “You’re gonna wake up in the morning. We have a date. And you’re not allowed to have amnesia.”

He has an idea. He looks up at Anne again but she’s still sleeping soundly. Lukas’s heart is beating a mile a minute and he’s never been so aware of his own pulse. He’s shaking but he tells himself that this is Philip. They’ve talked about kissing a million times. 

Lukas closes his eyes and kisses Philip’s temple. His lips only linger for a moment before he kisses his forehead in two different spots, his lips smoothing over the cut before moving down to press against his cheek. He kisses both of them, then the tip of Philip’s nose. 

“I love you, Philip,” he whispers. And it’s another moment that they’ve been building up to for months and months that Philip can’t enjoy, but Lukas hopes as hard as he can that Philip will be able to feel this. Lukas brushes their lips together softly, feather-light, and it’s the most chaste, delicate kiss he can imagine but it takes his breath away. Lukas’s lips slide against Philip’s and then he dips his head down, letting out a shuddering breath as two more tears fall from his eyes. He lets go of Philip’s hand and cups his cheek, nuzzling their noses together.

He feels like all his energy is gone. He nuzzles Philip’s cheek for a couple more minutes before he draws in a big breath, resting his head on the bed.

He has to sleep.

***

June 24th 2018 4:08 AM

Philip sees darkness. See-through red and black, like he’s under a sheet of ice.

But then he opens his eyes.

He feels groggy, like he weighs a million pounds. His eyelids are heavy and he blinks, the world coming back into focus. A window. Weak, stormy light. A thin sheet over his legs. A pinched sort of pain in the back of his left hand. A throbbing in his shoulder. The room is unfamiliar and he blinks, trying to remember. Aches and pains start bubbling up to the surface. He sees his mom in the corner, curled up in a chair. He narrows his eyes a little bit, becoming aware of something by his right arm. He shifts his neck and looks down.

Blond hair, dark roots. Long neck, a pale blue t-shirt that Philip recognizes. He can’t see his face. 

Philip stares, his brow furrowing. He keeps staring, feels frozen, but the life is slowly returning to his body, running in static from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. He stares at that beautiful hair, his heartbeat skyrocketing. 

Lukas.

Philip blinks a couple times, breathing through his mouth. He draws his arm up, cracking his wrist, briefly touching his own lips like he can feel a firebrand there, the ghost of yearning. Then he touches the top of Lukas’s head, drawing his fingers through his hair. 

It is Lukas. It’s really him. Here in real life. His hair feels exactly like Philip always thought it would and he wraps a strand of it around his finger. He lets it go and keeps drawing his hand through it, and this feels like the kind of calm he needs.

He can’t believe this. He can’t believe this is real.

Lukas makes the smallest sound and moves a little bit. Then he goes completely still, and Philip stops moving his hand, letting it rest on the back of Lukas’s head. Lukas turns, drawing his nose across the mattress, and then lifts his head as he straightens up. Their eyes meet.

The air is charged with everything they’ve said and everything they haven’t, and they don’t stop looking at each other, like one word might break the spell. Lukas’s eyes are so blue that Philip could drown in them. He’s ten times more beautiful than Philip could have ever imagined. 

It’s like his brain makes a connection. He remembers the car, the pain, the darkness, lying prone and feeling like a prisoner in his own body. Grasping at the edges of the world, so close to voices, to love. 

_We have a date. And you’re not allowed to have amnesia._

He smiles and it grows when Lukas mimics it, breathing hard through his mouth. Philip reaches for him and Lukas grabs his hand like an instinct, and Philip threads their fingers together. He remembers this. 

“Hey,” Philip whispers.

“Hey,” Lukas says, soft, disbelieving.

“Sorry I’m late,” Philip says, swallowing hard. “I got a little held up, but I’m—I’m here now.”

Lukas laughs and Philip can see his eyes are shining. “Oh my God,” Lukas whispers. “Philip.”

“Come here,” Philip whispers, his whole body longing for him, every cell crying out. He tugs on Lukas’s hand, feels another surge of strength. Tears are threatening in his eyes and he gasps, his chest going tight. “Come here, please.”

Lukas nearly leaps for him, their hands sliding away from each other as he sits on the edge of the bed. He wraps Philip up in his arms and he’s full of warmth, cupping the back of Philip’s head. Philip buries his face in Lukas’s neck and breathes him in. The IV in his left hand tugs a little bit and he shifts so they’re closer to it. He clings to Lukas as tight as he can, closing his eyes.

They made it. They goddamn made it.

“Does your shoulder hurt?” Lukas asks, rubbing his back.

Philip does feel a strange pull in his left shoulder, a throb, but it’s nothing to write home about, not when Lukas has him in his arms. “It’s okay,” Philip says.

“Tell me if it hurts,” Lukas breathes.

Philip can vaguely remember some things that happened while he was unconscious. The memories are strange, veiled, like he was stuck underneath something. “Did you wake me up with true love’s kiss?” Philip asks against Lukas’s skin, laughing a little bit. 

“Jesus, I think so,” Lukas says, kissing his temple. “God, thank God. I wish I’d done it sooner.”

Philip sighs, holding him tighter. 

“Oh my God,” Mom’s voice says. Philip can hear a chair slamming against the wall and he pulls back from Lukas, a little reluctantly. They both laugh a bit as she rushes over, her eyes wide. “Philip. Philip.”

“I’m awake,” Philip says, when she cups his cheeks, and he can feel Lukas’s hand still rubbing up and down on his back, like he can’t stop touching him. “Sorry, I—sorry—”

“No sorry’s,” Mom says, pulling him into one of her hugs, easy and careful with his left shoulder like she’s gotten used to treating it special. She weaves around the IV expertly too, and Philip already kind of hates it. She lets out a sob and sits back to look at him again, like she can’t believe he’s real. She looks back and forth between him and Lukas, shaking her head. “I’m gonna go get—a nurse and I’ll take a couple—a couple minutes—” She leans in and kisses Philip’s face all over, making him laugh. “Oh, I love you, sweetheart. I love you, I’m so happy. Thank God.”

“I love you, Mom,” Philip says, wiping at his eyes. 

“I’ll be back,” she says. “You two—you two have your—your moment, I’ll be back—”

Philip grins at her as she gets up, heading towards the door and looking at him the whole time. She takes a long last look before she opens the door, closing it quietly behind her.

Philip looks at Lukas, chewing on his lower lip. 

Lukas is staring at him, his eyes scanning over Philip’s face. He rubs his shoulder, lets his hand slide down his arm. “I can’t—I can’t believe—”

Philip nods, his mouth dry, his hands trembling. “Me either.”

The fact that they’re alone is so prevalent in that moment that it almost feels like a physical thing, an idea that’s so solid that Philip could reach out and touch it. Lukas is pressed against Philip’s hip and he’s breathing through his mouth, his hand still travelling up and down Philip’s arm in a soothing, wistful line.

“I missed you,” Lukas says, softly. “It was…it was like torture, Philip.”

“I’m sorry,” Philip says, staring at him. He can’t even imagine. He isn’t even sure how long it’s been.

Lukas shakes his head. “I just—I love you,” he whispers. “I _love_ you. You can’t leave me, okay? Not again, not—not ever.”

“I’m not planning on it,” Philip says, resting his hand on Lukas’s knee. “I love you too. I love you so much.” He still can’t believe this. They’re here. Occupying the same space. It’s real, it’s real. He laughs, blushing. “God, Lukas, you’re so attractive.”

Lukas scoffs, shaking his head. “No.”

“Yes,” Philip says.

“You are,” Lukas says, looking at him with such adoration in his eyes.

Philip is floored in the face of it, and he just stares at him, stunned.

Lukas moves in, eyes intent, and Philip does the same, latching on to Lukas’s forearm. Then Philip’s mind flashes red and he becomes the boy before the accident, the Philip that wanted to be cute and perfect for his boyfriend. Who wanted things to be precisely as they’d planned it. Well, he knows that’s basically fucked at this point, but he won’t let the universe taint their first real kiss. 

Philip puts his hand on Lukas’s chest. Lukas’s eyes open, blinking and questioning.

“I can wait,” Lukas says, fast, leaning in to gently nuzzle Philip’s cheek. The closeness makes Philip feel dizzy. “We don’t need to kiss now,” Lukas says, slow and sure. “You just woke up—”

“No, we need to kiss now,” Philip says, breathless. “But I need to brush my teeth first.”

Lukas snorts and sits back a little, meeting his eyes. “Right now?”

“Yes,” Philip says, touching Lukas’s arm, running his hand up to his bicep. “You have toothpaste here? Toothbrush?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “I’ve been sorta living here in your room since I arrived. Helen and Gabe made me take a shower last night and it was the fastest shower I’ve ever taken in my life. Sorry if I still smell.”

Jesus, Philip loves him. “You don’t,” Philip says. He can’t stop smiling and he reaches up, tracing the line of Lukas’s jaw. “Help me—help me out of this bed.”

“Okay,” Lukas says. He quickly walks around to the left side of the bed where Philip is hooked up to the IV and Philip sighs. He has no goddamn interest in waiting for the nurse to come in and take it out before he gets to kiss Lukas, but he definitely feels like it’s cramping his style. He wonders why the hell Lukas still wants him after all this shit. “You got it?” Lukas asks, looking at the pole.

Philip nods, taking the pole in hand as Lukas helps him ease off the bed, a protective arm wrapped around his waist. Philip feels like everything is drifting to the surface as he walks, his legs laced with static, and he leans hard on Lukas, holding onto the IV pole like a lifeline.

“You don’t need to go through all of this, baby,” Lukas says, looking down at him as they move towards the bathroom at a snail’s pace. “I don’t care about—”

“I care,” Philip says, laughing. “I am not kissing you with bad breath.”

“I better brush mine too,” Lukas says, grinning at him.

“You don’t care about me using your toothbrush?” Philip asks. Lukas swings the door open, helping Philip get the pole inside, then moving them in behind it before he closes the door again.

“Of course not,” Lukas says, his voice a little louder in the smaller room. “I’m gonna have my tongue in your mouth in a couple minutes.” He wags his eyebrows and Philip looks at him in the mirror as they approach the counter. 

Philip snorts, still leaning on him as he reaches for the toothbrush that he doesn’t recognize as his Mom’s. “Oh, we’re gonna French kiss immediately?” he asks, grabbing the toothpaste and squeezing it out onto the brush.

“Mhm, of course,” Lukas says, leaning in and kissing Philip’s forehead as Philip starts brushing his teeth. 

“Better do it real good then,” Philip says, his voice muffled and awkward around the brush.

Lukas kisses his temple and Philip’s heartbeat picks up its pace when he starts really thinking about what’s gonna happen. He still can’t believe Lukas is right here, and he keeps staring at him. He feels dizzy, lightheaded, and he doesn’t know if it’s because he just woke up from a fucking coma or because he’s so head over heels in love with Lukas. The minty smell and taste seem to permeate the room. Philip spits and washes the brush off as good as he can, but when he starts to take too long doing it Lukas laughs, taking it from his hand. Philip watches him, leaning hard on Lukas’s body, and he feels fucking transfixed. Lukas doesn’t brush for as long as Philip did and he rinses his mouth out well, shaking his hand off. He puts the brush aside with purpose.

He changes their positions and Philip lets him, Lukas’s hands on his hips, easing him against the counter. Philip’s legs feel a little weak and the goddamn IV is bothering him, but all of it seems to fade away when Lukas presses soft against him, cupping his cheek. Lukas looks so intent, his thumb brushing against Philip’s skin. 

Philip is shaking, his heart pounding. “Kiss me,” he whispers, briefly licking his lips because the look on Lukas’s face is sending shockwaves through his body.

Lukas nods and moves in, and Philip lets his eyes flutter closed. Their lips brush together and Philip draws in a breath through his nose, his hands fisting in Lukas’s shirt. The kiss is like a caress, a gentle promise whispered between them. It breaks but another one quickly follows, a little firmer this time, and Lukas’s tongue swipes over Philip’s bottom lip. Philip opens his mouth and the kiss deepens, electricity shooting through Philip’s body.

Nothing has ever felt like this.

He makes the smallest sound and Lukas tilts his head for a better angle, combing his fingers through Philip’s hair. The kiss tapers out into a line of smaller ones until they’re standing there, breathing in the small space between them, their foreheads pressed together.

Philip laughs a little bit, elation blooming in his head. Lukas laughs too and soon they’re both giggling like they’re sharing a secret, and Lukas nuzzles their noses together. “It’s nice to meet you,” Philip says, grinning, vaguely hearing the main door opening out in the hospital room.

Lukas kisses him again, fast, and Philip can’t wait to get out of here so they can kiss every single goddamn second. And more than that. God, he needs so much more. “It’s nice to meet you too,” Lukas says, grinning wildly.


	11. Chapter 11

June 24th 2018 3:17 PM

Mom is sitting by Philip’s left side and he glances up at her when she laughs, whispering something in Helen and Gabe’s direction. They’re both standing by the window sipping their coffee, which Mom keeps making fun of them for having this late in the day. They’re all being quiet because Lukas is sleeping, his head resting on Philip’s hip.

Philip knows he’s gazing. That’s the only word for it. He knows he can’t help touching Lukas’s face, his hair, delighting in the way his eyelashes look, how he breathes through his mouth, how his brows furrow in reaction to whatever dream he’s having. 

Philip doesn’t get what kind of world he’s living in, and finds this whole situation to be way too outrageous for his liking. But when he really thinks about it he feels like it’s shown him the true extent of Lukas’s love. How he flew out here without a word, without a fight or a second thought. How he stayed by his side and almost refused to move until Philip woke up. It tugs at Philip’s heartstrings. It makes him feel warm all over, and he can’t stop smiling.

This is the love of his life. Philip knows it so clear and true. He did before but he does even more now. He feels like his unconscious mind was panicking, worrying that Lukas wouldn’t want to deal with this whole thing. The hell of the hospital, Philip being hurt. But now he hates those thoughts, abhors that they even entered his head, unconscious or not. 

Lukas loves him. A deep, devastating sort of love only brought on by fate, brought on by the universe aligning and bringing two people together who were always meant to be. Philip can’t believe it. Can’t believe someone this incredible loves him.

His shoulder hurts a little bit and he knows the cuts and bruises are everywhere, littered all over his body, and he hasn’t even gotten an opportunity to catalogue them all. He’s happy to be rid of the IV, but he isn’t happy that they aren’t letting him eat anything but hospital food. He hates the yellow jello, and the chicken leaves a lot to be desired. 

They're talking about keeping him here for two more days. He hates it, he fucking feels fine, but his mom keeps telling him it's because of the coma, they have to be sure. He’s worried about how long Lukas’s dad is gonna let him stay. He knows they were meant to have five days, but two of those are already wasted, and now two more are gonna be stolen from them. His heart beats a little faster when he thinks about letting Lukas go.

Philip brushes Lukas’s hair back from his forehead, letting his hand rest at the base of his neck.

“He’s wonderful, Philip,” Mom whispers, her mouth pressed into a little smile. “Is he gonna move here?”

“Jesus, I wish,” Philip says, and thinks of college. It’s impossible. But they both want to go, and it’d be so damn nice to go together. They’ve defied other logic, maybe they can work that out, too? But he doesn’t think about it too hard, because they’ve got a lot on their plate already. It just feels like a goddamn impossibility.

“He’s got a good head on his shoulders,” Mom says. “He’s so caring and kind, really smart. He loves you.”

“He hasn’t been getting any sleep, huh?” Philip asks, watching Lukas nuzzle a little bit into his hip.

“I kept trying to tell him, but he was too anxious,” Mom says. “With good reason. It kept him awake.”

Philip turns to look at her. His memories of the accident are vague, buried, but he can dredge them up if he thinks too hard on it. It’s basically a bruised bubble of pain, but he can’t imagine what it was like for her, for Helen and Gabe. To see it. “I’m sorry all this happened,” he says.

Mom’s brows knit together and she shakes her head. “No, don’t even with that. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I was looking down at my phone,” Philip says, his throat going tight.

“We told you what happened to the man,” Mom says. “It wasn’t a…normal situation. Had that not happened, you would have crossed safely.”

Philip chews on his lower lip. “You…you know if he made it?” he asks.

“Not sure,” Mom says, shrugging a little bit. “I haven’t really asked.”

Philip sighs, closing his eyes. “How the goddamn hell are we gonna pay for this hospital stay?” he asks, panic rising in his heart. 

“Philip,” Mom says, and when he opens his eyes again and looks at her she motions back at Helen and Gabe, who are still talking amongst themselves and looking out the window. Philip connects the dots and he sighs, knowing they’ll owe them for the rest of their lives. 

“Philip,” Gabe says, turning around and approaching the bed. “How fast do you think you could eat a slice of pizza? We’re thinking about smuggling some in.”

Philip smiles at him, watching Helen turn around too. “I could definitely manage it in two minutes or less,” he says. 

“How about we give them some time alone?” Mom says, still quiet, giving Philip a look.

“We can go to lunch,” Helen says, raising her eyebrows, her arms crossed over her chest. “Then bring the pizza back for them.”

“Good idea, ladies,” Gabe says.

Mom leans in and kisses Philip on the forehead, smiling down at him for a moment as he peers up at her. “We’ll stay close,” she says. “Just message me if you need us to come back fast, okay?”

“Okay,” Philip says, feeling Lukas start to stir. 

“We’ll give you an hour, kid,” Helen says, smirking at him as the three of them walk around his bed. “Then we’ll be back to hover.”

“I love your hovering!” Philip says, grinning as they wave at him, filing out the door.

Lukas hums, turning his head and rubbing his nose against the hospital gown by Philip’s hip. “Where’d they go?” he mutters, voice raspy.

“Trying to give us time,” Philip says, petting Lukas’s hair.

“I don’t want them to leave because of me,” Lukas groans, sitting up a little bit and rubbing at his eyes. 

“Lukas,” Philip says, scooting over slightly, trying not to hiss when his shoulder throbs. “You should come up here with me.”

Lukas’s eyes get a little clearer and he looks over his shoulder. He looks back at Philip, eyeing the space he made. “Can we?” he asks. 

“Nurse just came in here about twenty minutes ago,” Philip says, shaking his head. “Won’t be back for a while.” He reaches for him and Lukas takes his hand out of what looks like clear instinct, which thrills Philip every time. “Come on, babe. Unless you don’t want—”

Lukas scoffs, narrowing his eyes and looking half scandalized. “I want to be wrapped up in you forever and always, amen.”

Philip snorts, shaking his head. Lukas climbs into bed, clearly trying to be careful with Philip, which is both endearing and frustrating. Not because Philip doesn’t appreciate Lukas looking out for him, but Philip wishes he could just climb on top of him without having to worry about any goddamn cuts or aches and pains. 

They maneuver around until Philip has his bad shoulder in the air, his head on Lukas’s chest and Lukas’s arm around his waist. Philip sighs, instantly feeling calmer. 

“This is amazing,” Lukas says, laughing a little bit. “This is like…the ideal. I could die right here.”

Philip snorts, closing his eyes and listening to Lukas’s heartbeat. It’s so soothing, so comforting, that he nearly falls asleep. “No death,” he mutters, half-heartedly smacking Lukas on the stomach. “No death ever for you.”

“Oh yeah,” Lukas says, laughing. “That’s right.”

Philip smiles, relaxing as Lukas breathes in and out.

“So I need to tell you something,” Lukas says, clearing his throat, obviously trying not to jar Philip too much.

It sounds semi-ominous and Philip’s brows furrow, but he doesn’t lift his head. “You okay?” he asks, snuggling closer. 

“Uh, the first night, when I got here…my dad called when I was probably at my lowest,” Lukas says, holding him a little tighter, and Philip thinks he’s never felt safer than in Lukas’s embrace. “And I, uh—said everything,” Lukas says, and Philip’s heart drops. “All of it. Every last detail because I basically…lost my damn mind.”

Philip looks up at him, feeling terror in his heart. “What happened?” he asks, shifting in his arms, bracing a hand on his chest. “What—what did he say?”

“Well, I was crying and hyperventilating like a lunatic,” Lukas says, with a sigh. “So, we didn’t really…address it. But he knows, he’s uh, well aware. I was very clear.”

“And you haven’t talked to him since?” Philip asks, chewing on his lower lip. 

“Just one text,” Lukas says. “Even though he asked me to keep him updated. I’m too scared to say shit, I don’t know what to say.”

“Jesus,” Philip breathes, searching Lukas’s face.

“I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking,” Lukas says, shifting his mouth to the side. “And I haven’t talked to him—he doesn’t know how long I’m gonna be here, I don’t know either—”

Philip puts his head back down on Lukas’s chest and slides his hand across his stomach, closing his eyes. 

“I don’t wanna leave,” Lukas whispers. “I want my proper time with you.”

Philip smiles a little to himself, nodding. “Me too.” Proper time to him is forever, but he’s not gonna say that out loud.

“But I know I gotta…I know I gotta call him back and tell him what’s going on,” Lukas says. “And I know he probably won’t like, be chill about it for much longer. I’m surprised he’s being chill at all, honestly.”

“Maybe that’s a good sign?” Philip says, tracking his fingers up and down Lukas’s chest. “I mean, didn’t you think he’d freak out immediately?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, softly. 

“Since he knows now,” Philip says, “the next time you talk you should just be…straight with him.” He laughs a little bit and Lukas does too. “You know what I mean. Just…try and be clear, tell him like it is. That it isn’t the end of the world and you’re still the same person. This is who you’ve always been. He still loves you and you still love him. Life will…probably be easier, better…now that there aren’t any more secrets between you.”

Lukas sighs, kissing the top of Philip’s head. “I’m so goddamn fucking happy you’re awake.”

Philip feels warm again and he sighs to himself, nuzzling into the core of Lukas’s chest. “You don’t need me,” he mutters, clearly prying. “You could get anybody.”

“Uh, you’re crazy, baby, you got coma brain,” Lukas says, laughing. “I need you more than anyone has ever needed anything or anyone.”

Philip focuses on the way Lukas touches him, holds him like he’s something precious. It’s incredible and he can hardly believe it. “When do you think you’ll talk to him?” Philip asks.

“Tomorrow, I guess,” Lukas says, bringing his hand up to comb through Philip’s hair.

Philip sits up again and moves in, pressing their lips together. “You can do it right here,” he whispers, rubbing their noses together. “I’ll stick with you the whole time, he can talk to me if he wants to.”

Lukas cups his cheek, smiling at him. “I’m not gonna make you talk to him,” he says. “I gotta fight my own battles, I guess.”

“Your battles are my battles,” Philip says. He kisses him again, hard and with purpose, so Lukas can know how serious he is. 

***

Lukas watches Philip with Anne and misses his mother. He wonders what she’d say about all this, about what happened to Philip, the way he spilled everything to his dad. He wishes for her guidance, wishes she’d put the words in his head, wishes she’d give him some of that magic she had that made his dad act like a normal person. 

After eating the illegal pizza they all talk for a while, and then Helen and Gabe start to head for the door.

“Lukas,” Helen says. “You need a real bed. You’re not gonna be able to move for a week if you keep sleeping in that chair like that. Anne, you too, but you’ve got the more comfortable one.”

“We’re gonna hang here,” Lukas says, looking over at Anne and seeing her nod as soon as he finishes his sentence. “Probably until he gets out.”

“You’re lucky they let you,” Gabe says. “Some hospitals kick you out at a certain time.”

“They wouldn’t be kicking me out,” Anne says, looking at Philip. 

“Me either,” Lukas says. “I’d probably chain myself to his bed.”

Philip snorts, taking his hand. 

“Where are you gonna stay when he gets out?” Helen asks, looking at him. 

“With us,” Anne says, before Lukas can even ask.

“Really?” Philip exclaims, excitement in his eyes. “With, uh—with me?”

“Unless he wants to sleep on the couch,” Anne says, shrugging. 

“I mean,” Philip says, shrugging a little bit as he looks at Lukas, a glint in his eyes, “Helen just said he needs a bed, so. I mean. I have a bed. Just in case anybody forgot.”

Lukas stares at him and listens to everyone burst into laughter, shaking their heads. Lukas can’t fathom how he can love someone so fucking much. 

~

The next day at about noon they let Philip start getting up and walking around. He feels pretty good, isn't as unsteady as he was when he first woke up, and he decides that they can call Dad out in the hallway in one of the smaller waiting rooms. Lukas opens the door for him and they quickly see there’s no one in there, just some couches, an array of chairs and a silent TV. He’s nervous, trying not to panic, but the bile rises in his throat and he really hopes he doesn’t throw up here in this whitewash hospital. 

Philip tugs him down onto the couch. He’s wearing sweats under his hospital gown now and Lukas likes it, likes seeing him in real clothes in real life. He can’t wait to see him wear jeans. He can’t wait to see him wear nothing. 

“Remember, babe,” Philip says. “You can just hang up and stay here forever. We wouldn’t care. I, especially, would have no problems with that.”

Lukas snorts, leaning in and pressing a quick kiss to Philip’s forehead. “My bike is still there, or I would,” he says. 

Philip rubs the back of his neck and Lukas goes down the list of names, clicking _DAD_ and watching it dial for a second before remembering to press the phone to his ear.

Dad answers on the third ring. “Lukas, how are you?” he asks, fast.

He sounds a little different. Calmer.

“Alright,” Lukas says, suspicious. “Philip woke up yesterday morning, so we’ve all been sorta dealing with everything.”

“So you’re okay. The…the both of you?”

Lukas doesn’t really like this dance. He wants to get to the point, wants to get the feelings out, because the terror is winding its fingers around his neck. “Dad, I know you have something to say about what I told you,” he says, swallowing hard, feeling Philip’s hand in his hair. 

“Lukas,” Dad says, with a sigh. 

“So just…say it, please,” Lukas says, his voice wavering. 

“This is hard for me to talk about,” Dad says, and Lukas’s cheeks flare red. “I just…I’ve been thinking about it since you said it and I just can’t wrap my mind around it.”

“Well,” Lukas says, his throat tight. “Well. It is what it is. It is…it’s me.”

“Are you sure, Lukas?” Dad asks.

Lukas dips his head into his hand and he feels Philip rubbing his back. “Jesus Christ, Dad.”

“I had to ask,” Dad sighs. “Listen, I—I can’t say this is a lifestyle I approve of, because it isn’t. I don’t understand it, it doesn’t make sense to me, especially with you—weren’t you dating Rose? What in the hell happened to that?”

Lukas definitely feels goddamn sick and he hates this, everything about it. “She was covering for me, dad,” Lukas says. “She and Philip are the only ones that know about this. Because I was so terrified to tell—to tell you.”

There’s a deep silence and Philip leans in, kissing Lukas’s shoulder.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about us, too,” Dad says. “And I…well, I…the fact that you didn’t tell me something like this, something so…big…well, it makes me take a look at myself and I’m—I’m not happy with the whole thing. I know your mother wouldn’t like it. What’s happened to us. To…to me.”

Lukas doesn’t say anything, looking over at Philip.

“It’s gonna take me a long time to get used to this,” Dad says. “And I don’t know if I’ll—ever be able to truly understand. But you’re…you’re my kid, Lukas, and I don’t want to be a person you’re afraid of. I’m—well, after all this, and your absence, I—I’m taking a long look at myself.”

Lukas wants to say _good_ but it doesn’t leave his lips. “Okay,” he says. 

“I know you’re…getting older, growing up,” Dad says. “And I do know that I need to get ahold of the idea that you’re gonna…want to make some of your own decisions. A lot of them.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “I’m gonna…stay here for a while,” he says, fear rising in his chest. “Not forever, not—not yet, but for a little bit. I want, uh—proper time with Philip where he’s not in a hospital.”

Dad sighs again but it seems restrained. “Just—okay. Alright. Just please check in with me, is that too much to ask? Just text me. You don’t even have to call.”

Lukas’s heart is beating fast. “Yeah, I—yeah,” he says.

“Lukas, can I—is there any way I can speak to Philip?”

Lukas forgets to breathe for a second. “What do you wanna say?” he asks, quickly becoming defensive and territorial. “Cause he’s—he’s been though—he’s been through a lot—” Lukas looks at Philip and reaches out to squeeze his knee. 

“I just want to speak to the boy—the person that my son is—is spending time with,” Dad says, stuttering a lot, more than Lukas has ever heard. 

“I can talk to him, if he wants,” Philip whispers, putting his hand on top of Lukas’s. 

“Just for a minute,” Lukas says, looking into Philip’s eyes. 

“Okay, I’ll speak to you later, okay?” Dad says.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, swallowing hard. His heart hammers as he hands the phone over, and he almost asks for Philip to put it on speaker. 

“Hello?” Philip says, squeezing Lukas’s hand. “Yes, I—thank you.” He’s quiet for a moment, his eyes darting back and forth. “Oh.” Another silence. “He’s…he’s the best,” Philip says, lookin at him. “He’s, uh—he’s excited, full of life, won’t shut up about action movies—yeah.” He laughs a little bit and Lukas can’t imagine what the fuck his dad asked to make Philip say what he’s saying. “Yes. He’s proud of his bike, loves riding.” Philip nods a couple times and Lukas feels a little sick. “Yes. He is. He really, really is. Okay. I will. Thank you. Yes. Okay, bye.” He hangs up Lukas’s phone and hands it back to him.

“What the hell was that?” Lukas asks, his mouth dry. “What did he ask you?”

Philip shifts his lips back and forth and leans in, resting his head on Lukas’s shoulder. Lukas immediately wraps an arm around him, still looking down at him. “He asked what you were like,” he says. 

“What I’m _like_?” Lukas exclaims. “What…what is that?”

“Not sure,” Philip says. “But it went a lot better than you were expecting, yeah?”

“I mean, me being in a different state and sitting by my boyfriend’s bedside probably made it easier,” Lukas says. But he’s honestly surprised at the whole thing. His dad always felt like an immovable object. An impossibility. Lukas replays the conversation in his head and it wasn’t all good. But it wasn’t the world exploding like he thought it would be.

“You did it, babe,” Philip whispers, kissing Lukas’s neck. “I’m so, so proud of you.”

Lukas holds him tight, letting out a big breath. “How long are they keeping you here? I haven’t seen the sun in a thousand years.”

“Should be getting out tomorrow morning,” Philip says, wrapping his arms around Lukas’s middle. "I just have to keep telling them how good I feel and how much I need that fresh air." 

“Yeah, you got this,” Lukas breathes. "Thank God."

~

They walk out of the hospital on June 26th a little after five in the afternoon, and Philip cuddles up to Lukas in the back of Helen and Gabe’s car, Anne petting his hair. Lukas thought he might feel lost when he ventured back into the world, but he doesn’t. He feels safe. He feels like a part of something. He’s out to his dad and it didn’t destroy him. Philip looks so much better, has more color in his cheeks, walks easier on his feet and seems intent on being as close to Lukas as humanly possible. Which Lukas couldn’t be happier about. 

He feels so far from Oklahoma, looking out the window at the big city. But he has home in his arms. And that’s all that really matters to him.

~

Lukas is enamored with Philip’s little apartment. Can imagine him walking around here talking to him on the phone, can imagine him growing up here. Lukas touches everything, walks around in awe, and Philip punches him in the shoulder. 

“You’re such a dork,” Philip says, leaning up a little bit and kissing him on the cheek. 

“Lemme see your room,” Lukas says, looking up and seeing Anne smile as she walks into the kitchen.

“Okay,” Philip says, taking his hand. 

Lukas follows him down the hallway and they push Philip’s door open. It’s small but very neat, lacking the mess than Lukas has laying around in his room. Philip has about ten pictures of Lukas tacked to his wall by his bed, and Lukas feels a pull in his gut. 

“So this is where you are, huh?” Lukas asks, looking around. “When you’re talking to me?”

“Yep,” Philip says, positioning himself in front of Lukas. “This is where the magic happens.”

Lukas hums. He holds Philip’s face in his hands and he smooths his thumb over one of the bruises on Philip’s cheek. “I never really—really pictured myself here. I always sorta hoped I would be one day, but…not this fast.”

“Guess I gotta get hit by more cars, huh?” Philip says, hands resting on Lukas’s waist. 

Lukas scoffs. “No, no, no. You’re not ever even getting a goddamn stubbed toe after this, babe, sorry, not allowed.”

Philip grins, and it’s so beautiful and vibrant that Lukas just has to kiss him. 

***

Mom makes it clear very early on that she doesn’t want them to go anywhere, not today, not yet, so he and Lukas hole up in his room, eating pizza, watching movies and making out until the sun goes down. 

Philip feels dizzy with Lukas’s mouth, with Lukas’s careful hands. He knows he doesn’t want to have sex with Lukas while his mom is one room away, and he can tell Lukas knows that too, can tell from his movements and the way he slows, sometimes, when things start to get too heated. Lukas rucks Philip’s shirt up and breaks the kiss, looking down and catching sight of the cuts on Philip’s stomach.

Philip has only looked at it once, yesterday in the bathroom mirror at the hospital. They kept calling it the worst to him and it felt like the worst, stinging when he moves a certain way. He doesn’t keep a bandage on it because he doesn’t like the way it pulls at his skin, but he knows it looks like shit. His shirt rode up when he was skimming the ground after the car hit him, and Gabe said he was lucky it wasn’t worse, with the road tearing at his skin. 

Lukas stops as he looks at it, shifting a little so he has a better view. Philip can’t read his expression.

“It’s bad,” Philip whispers, his heartrate picking up.

Lukas touches it lightly with his fingertips, looks like he’s transfixed. They’re on their sides so Lukas isn’t leaning on him, but his whole body goes stiff like he’s too close. Then he shifts forward a little bit, his hand still ghosting over the wound on Philip’s stomach. Lukas touches Philip’s face, pressing a few soft, lingering kisses to his mouth. 

“I don’t ever want you to get hurt again,” Lukas whispers, and he sounds so broken that Philip can barely stand it. 

Philip touches Lukas’s neck, smiling. “I don’t know if I can promise that.”

“I’m gonna get you a bodyguard,” Lukas says, quickly kissing him again. “Or put you in a protective case.”

Philip snorts, nuzzling their noses together. “I’m so happy you’re in my bed,” he whispers. “This is the kinda thing I dreamed about, I—I can’t believe it.”

“Me either,” Lukas says, laughing. 

Philip’s mouth feels a dry for a second and he traces his eyes over Lukas’s face, trying to memorize every detail, especially while they’re this close. “Can you ever picture yourself here?”

“I can picture myself here every night, baby.”

Philip grins. “Not just in my bed, uh—New York. Like…future wise.”

Lukas looks at him for what feels like a long time. “I honestly didn’t take a good look the first day because I…I didn’t want to see it without you.”

Philip nods.

“I looked a little bit today,” Lukas says. “But babe…you could be on Mars and I’d want to be with you. The fact that it’s a big city I’ve always thought was cool is just icing on the cake.”

Philip feels a wave of warmth running from his neck down to his toes. He tangles their legs together and Lukas presses his hand a little harder against the cuts on Philip’s stomach. Philip briefly worried that it would hurt, that he would hiss and make Lukas back away, but he goes a little breathless instead. Lukas’s hand covers the wound completely, warm and solid and sure, and Philip feels safe. Like maybe he could press away all the pain if he held his hand there long enough. 

“You wanna live with me?” Philip whispers, his voice so quiet that he barely hears the statement himself. “Here…here in New York?”

“Yes,” Lukas says. “I wanna…make it happen. It’d take a little while but…I do want it. I do.”

Philip leans in and brings their mouths together, his whole body melting into Lukas’s. They fall into a long line of languid kisses, Philip clinging to him as Lukas runs his hands through his hair.

Jesus, Philip could get used to this.

***

Lukas is fucking terrified when Philip insists to both him and Anne that he wants to go out. They both question him and it almost turns into an interrogation.

“Something could happen—”

“Yeah, babe, we could order food here—”

“It hasn’t even been that long, Philip, I just think—”

“Guys,” Philip says, holding out his hands, and Lukas realizes that he and Anne had been talking over each other. “I just wanna—walk around. Go to lunch, show Lukas some of the sights…and Lukas, you’ll be with me the whole time. So big and strong and manly and protective.”

Lukas narrows his eyes even though each word goes directly to his gut. “It’s up to Mama Shea here,” he says, shrugging. 

Anne sighs, shaking her head. “I just want you to be safe,” she says. 

“I will be,” Philip says, reaching out and squeezing her hand. “We’re gonna take it easy. Just wander, stay in big groups, go to places I know so we won’t get lost.”

Anne nods, though she looks disappointed. “Alright,” she says. “Just…check in with me.”

“I will.”

“I’ll keep him on the inside of the sidewalk,” Lukas says.

~

He follows through with his intentions to be incredibly overprotective, which Philip doesn’t seem to mind. Actually, it seems to bring him closer, holding on to Lukas’s arm as they walk, tipping his head back to get kisses, leaning on Lukas’s shoulder. 

Lukas has never been able to be out like this. To hold a boy’s hand in public, to flirt with a boy when other people are around. He feeds Philip a piece of crème brulee and isn’t terrified about anyone judging them. No one seems to even notice. They hold hands on the sidewalk and the rest of the world just walks past. Philip is a bright shining light, a little perfect thing floating along beside him, and after a while Lukas falls into the routine of focusing on him without worrying about anyone else. Because this is the world he wanted. Where what he is isn’t a point of contention, isn’t anybody’s business but his own. And Philip’s.

The day is sunny and beautiful, like his mood is bleeding out into the atmosphere. They’re sitting on a bench in Central Park. There’s actually a group of people with easels painting a version of the park in front of them, and Lukas feels like there would always be something to do here. He texts his dad, tells him where they are. That they’re alright.

He thinks about college again. NYU in particular. He knows it’s too late to go to fall term, probably too late to even go to spring term. But shit, he knows people have done more difficult things. There has to be a way. 

He doesn’t say anything, because Philip is leaning on him, his face turned up towards the sun. He looks so happy and Lukas plants a kiss on his forehead, enraptured by him. 

“Did you text your mom?” Lukas asks, tugging him a little closer.

“Like ten times already,” Philip says, snorting. “She’s at work, neglecting the customers to talk to me.”

“As she should,” Lukas says. “How’s your shoulder?”

“’s okay,” Philip says, rubbing it a little bit. “It only really hurts when I move really fast. Which I don’t exactly plan on doing for a long time.”

“We can go in slow motion for all I care,” Lukas says, his phone buzzing in his lap again. He opens the message. It’s from Rose.

_I’m so glad everything is working out. I need a picture of the two of you RIGHT NOW._

“Rose wants a picture of us,” Lukas says. Then his brain short circuits. “This—this is gonna be the first picture of us.”

Philip looks at him, a smile sneaking onto his face. “Yeah, it is.” He clears his throat. “I still have the frame, it didn’t get fucked up, which is nice.”

“I still have mine too,” Lukas says, grinning at him.

“I guess this is the one then,” Philip says, snuggling up closer to him. “Let’s make it good.”

“Okay,” Lukas says. He leans his head on Philip’s and holds out his phone, snapping the picture. He looks at it and they both laugh a little bit. “It’s good,” he says, looking at Philip.

“It’s us,” Philip says, with affection. 

“Yeah it is,” Lukas says. He sends it to Rose and then immediately makes it the background on his phone, home screen and lock screen, for good measure. 

~

They’re eating cookies at this little bakery when Lukas’s phone starts ringing. Philip looks over at him from across the table, his brows furrowed. “Who is it?” he asks.

Lukas looks at his phone. “My dad,” he says, worry rising in his throat. 

“Answer it,” Philip says, motioning with his chin.

Lukas brings the phone to his ear. “Hello?” he asks, cutting his eyes to the side. 

“Lukas,” Dad says. “I—I just wanted to say I booked you a hotel,” he says. 

Lukas listens for a second, his mind going a mile a minute, to every possible explanation for this. “Uh…what?” is all he manages to say. 

“It’s the Hilton in Midtown,” Dad says. “Listen, I know you lost your trip and I know you wanted uh….proper time, so I booked the hotel for five days. But after that I’d like…I’d like you to come home for a while. I know you have ideas of what you want your life to look like and I, well. We can talk about that. We can figure it out.”

Lukas is having a hard time taking this all in. “Figure it out?” he asks. “Meaning, you’ll let me make my own decisions?”

“We’ll see if it’s all possible, Lukas, but I want you to be…be happy,” Dad says. “So I want to be better. I’m gonna try for you, alright? Just…please come home after the hotel stay is done, alright? You can call me in the coming days and I’ll take care of the plane flight.”

“Okay…” Lukas trails off. “I can just go check in at the hotel with my own ID and they’ll know me?”

“Yeah,” Dad says. “It’s under your name.”

Lukas doesn’t say anything about Philip. He knows the implications. He knows Dad has probably been thinking about this shit, about their Chicago hotel, what they would have done there. He probably thinks there’s no way around what’s inevitable, considering he’s been staying with Philip anyways. 

“Thank you,” Lukas says. “Uh, I…appreciate it.”

“Okay,” Dad says, and he almost sounds embarrassed. “Lukas.”

“Yeah?” 

“I told you before that it’s gonna take me a while to understand this, but I’ve been…I’ve been devoting most of my time to thinking about it,” he says. “Trying to work through it. And I realized…I realized why it feels genuine to me and that’s because, well…how you sounded that night…that’s exactly how I sounded the night I lost your mother, when I called my brother to tell him.”

Tears immediately threaten in Lukas’s eyes and he draws in a wavering breath.

“I know what those feelings sound like and you…you sounded just like me. So I know now you’re…I know—I know this isn’t just some phase.”

“Good,” Lukas chokes out, wiping a bit at his eyes

“Okay, I’ll let you go,” Dad says.

“Okay,” Lukas says. “Thanks…thanks again.”

“You’re welcome,” Dad says. “Talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

Lukas hangs up and is suddenly aware of how fast his heart is beating. He puts his phone down on the table and smiles softly at Philip.

“You okay?” Philip asks. 

“Yeah,” Lukas says, not wanting to mention what Dad said, not yet. 

“Hotel?” Philip asks, taking a sip of his milkshake. “Your dad got us a hotel? Was he body-snatched?”

Lukas laughs. “He didn’t mention you but obviously he knows what’s going on here. He got it for five days. I think he just…I think it’s a gesture, I guess. A peace offering. I don’t know. This shit was almost easier when he and I weren’t talking about it. But I think he’s….getting it. I can just picture him sitting around the house like a zombie because he’s trying to work through it. Like a math problem.”

“This is good,” Philip says, smiling. “This is really good, it’s a great step.”

“He wants me to come home after,” Lukas says, quiet.

Philip’s face falls. “I knew you had to leave sometime,” he says, chewing on his lower lip. 

“The coma bought me some extra time,” Lukas says, reaching out and taking Philip’s hand. “You think your mom would let you stay with me?”

“Probably, if I beg her,” Philip says. “I mean, I’m fine.”

“I’ll take care of you,” Lukas says.

Philip raises his eyebrows. “Oh, I bet you will.”

Lukas nearly chokes. “Oh my God, Shea, you need to chill.”

~

Philip calls her a couple minutes later, and he’s on the phone for about ten minutes before she finally relents and says yes. She insists on talking to Lukas and he assures her Philip will be fine, and they even make plans to have dinner with her for three out of the five days. 

They go back to Philip’s place and get his stuff together, grabbing Lukas’s luggage, still mostly packed. They take the subway over to the hotel, which is even nicer than the one they were gonna stay in in Chicago. Lukas has never checked in to a hotel on his own before and he feels like kind of an idiot going through the process, where the lady is very aware of the fact that his father paid for the room and he didn’t.

“Room 817. He got us a suite,” Lukas whispers to Philip, as they race like anxious kids down the hallway with their room keys.

“Really?” Philip asks, hoisting his duffel a little higher on his good shoulder.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, licking his lips.

They get into the elevator and press the eighth floor button, and as soon as the doors close Lukas turns in to Philip and starts kissing him. They’re quiet kisses, the heat building and growing between them, and when Philip breathes out against Lukas’s lips Lukas knows what he wants. Knows what he’s yearning for, has been yearning for since they whispered those promises to each other when they were sated and sweating, their phones pressed to their ears.

He’s kissing Philip’s neck when the elevator dings and the doors open. Lukas sighs a little bit, frustrated, and Philip laughs, tugging him out into the hallway.

“Let’s see, let’s see,” Philip sing-songs, looking at the plaques on each door. “Where’s our room?”

“Better hurry up and find it or I’m just gonna pick one,” Lukas grumbles, and Philip laughs again.

“Here we go,” Philip says, stopping in front of a door that says ROOM 817 EXECUTIVE SUITE. “Executive,” Philip says, squinting at the word. “Guess we’re business men?”

“Mr. Shea, we have a very important meeting inside this room,” Lukas says, leaning down and kissing Philip on the shoulder before he puts his key in the lock, both of them pushing inside.

Lukas locks the door once it’s closed again. The room is really big, bigger than Philip’s whole apartment, though Lukas would never say that out loud. There’s a living room, a dining room, a kitchen. The room to the bedroom is open and they can see the bed, crisp and white and made up for them. The curtains are open and the view of the city is staggering, the sun setting and reflecting off the buildings. They drop their bags like afterthoughts, staring at it.

“Wow,” Philip says, stopping in his tracks. 

Lukas watches him, a small smile on his face. Watches him start forward, slowly approaching the window, his eyes wide and imploring. Like he can’t really understand what he’s witnessing or why it’s been given to him, but Lukas could answer that a million times over. Philip deserves the whole universe. So many skies painted like this, so many beautiful days, all the happy moments. He blinks at the sunset and laughs, incredulous.

Lukas comes up behind him and wraps his arms around his middle, starting to kiss his neck. “This one belongs to us,” he whispers. “Our sunset.”

“They’re all ours,” Philip says, twisting around in his arms and beaming up at him. He presses up against him and for a moment they just breathe in each other’s space, Lukas’s hands rubbing up and down Philip’s sides. He knows he’s hurt all over. That if he gets too rough with him he’ll be in pain. Lukas only wants to see smiles on that face, looks of ecstasy. It briefly hits him that he’s never been with a boy before, but kissing Philip, holding Philip, touching him and loving him all came natural. Like they’d always been together, were always meant to be.

And he’s done research. So much research it’s fucking embarrassing. 

Philip moves again, impossibly closer, and Lukas groans. He closes his arms around Philip’s waist and splays his hands out over his lower back, tugging his shirt up a little bit. Philip clings to his shoulders, and when he kisses him he keeps his eyes open, locked with Lukas’s, intent.

Lukas deepens the kiss, sliding his tongue into Philip’s mouth, and Philip moans, his eyes fluttering shut. He sucks on Philip’s tongue, rubbing against him, and he can’t believe he has him in his arms. What they had felt ghostlike for a while, like they lived in two different times and would never be able to touch, would never be able to feel the spark that’s running between them now. It’s so much built up time. So much built up longing. He can feel it everywhere.

But Philip is here. Kissing him, tangling his hands in his hair, drawing his fingertips along Lukas’s neck. He finds Lukas’s pulse and presses there and Lukas knows it’s speeding up under his fingers. He kisses down Philip’s cheek to his neck and starts sucking there too, feeling Philip’s want radiating off of him. 

“So is there…is there a bed?” Philip gasps, his head tilting to the side to give Lukas better access.

Lukas laughs. “Yes. There’s a bed.” His cheeks flush and he straightens back up, nose to nose with Philip again. He kisses him, their lips sliding together, because he can’t resist it, not when they’re so close and Philip is right there looking like _that_. “Do you. Do you…do you have—uh—you—uh—” He lets out a breath and rests his head on Philip’s shoulder, nuzzling his neck. 

Philip laughs and it’s so damn beautiful. “Yes,” he whispers. “In my bag. Go…go into the bedroom.” He kisses Lukas’s cheek, the spot where his lips were burning when he pulls away. “Go, I’ll…I’ll be right there.”

Lukas feels cold when he breaks from him and they both laugh a little bit as he backs into the bedroom, knocking into the wall by the doorframe.

Philip covers his mouth. “Are you okay?” he asks, muffled.

Lukas rubs at the back of his head, which sorta throbs. He’s in a fucking trance. He’s enraptured by him. He wants to be surrounded by him until the end of time. He’ll probably run into a thousand more things if Philip is anywhere near him. “Yeah,” he says, nodding and grinning so hard his face hurts. 

“Go,” Philip laughs, ushering him off. “I’m coming.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, backing into the room the rest of the way. There’s a small lamp on the bedside table and Lukas walks over and turns it on, his hands shaking, his heart thumping in his ears. He knows it’s gonna get dark soon and he wants to be able to see Philip. The way he moves, the way he breathes. He clicks his tongue and palms himself through his jeans, embarrassed that he’s already fucking hard after about ten minutes of kissing. 

He sits on the edge of the bed, breathing fast, craning his neck so he can see Philip in the living room. He hears him zip his bag back up and Lukas’s heart is in his throat. Philip walks into the room and shuts the door behind him, softly. He tosses the bottle of lube and the string of condoms onto the bed, and the idea of Philip wanting to have sex multiple times makes Lukas feel lightheaded.

“You look really cute sitting there,” Philip says, stopping within arm’s reach.

“You look really cute…existing,” Lukas stammers, shaking his head.

Philip laughs and pulls his shirt over his head, slowly, with purpose, like he’s putting on a show. He drops it on the ground, his eyes locked with Lukas’s. Lukas watches him and it almost feels like they’re video-chatting again, almost, but he knows it’s different because he can reach out and touch him whenever he wants. Philip undoes his buckle and unzips his fly, working his pants over his hips and stepping out of them. 

He stands there in his black boxer-briefs, Lukas’s favorites. Lukas can see all the cuts and bruises clear as day in the orange glow of the sunset and the small glare of the bedside table. Littered along Philip’s legs, the big one on his stomach, a sickly looking purple and brown bruise on his bad shoulder. It makes his breath catch in his throat and he wants a time machine. He wants to go back and save him all this pain and heartache.

But they’re here now. 

“Do you still want me?” Philip asks.

Lukas’s heart dips. “Yes, baby,” he whispers, reaching out and taking both of Philip’s hands. “I will always, always want you.” He tugs Philip forward until he climbs on top of him, straddling his lap. Lukas carefully wraps his arms around him, slides his hands down until he’s palming Philip’s ass. Philip grinds down against him and Lukas sucks in a breath, leaning forward to capture his mouth again. 

He’s trembling with want.

Philip urges himself forward until their chests are pressing together and he rocks down hard, sending shockwaves through Lukas’s body. All the months are culminating in his head and it’s like he flashes back into his body when he first saw that photo, that photo that caught his eye and changed his life.

He has that boy in his arms, now. That boy wants him. That boy loves him.

“Touch me,” Philip whispers, sliding his tongue along Lukas’s lower lip.

“God, baby,” Lukas breathes, and he’s only been drunk a handful of times in his eighteen years but this feels like that but amplified, the room narrowing down to them, just them and how they feel together. 

“Need you so bad, Lukas,” Philip groans, resting his forehead on Lukas’s temple. 

Lukas reaches down in the small sliver of space between them and cups Philip through his underwear, rubbing up and down his length. Philip’s whole body shudders and they both moan, Lukas feeling him get wetter and wetter through his boxer-briefs.

He wants to touch every inch of him. Everywhere. Wants to make a map of his body and memorize it. Wants to lay him down and take him apart and put him back together again. Make him moan, make him gasp _Lukas, Lukas, Lukas_ until they’re both shaking with the weight of what they’ve made. What they have. What burns and ignites when they’re skin to skin.

“I need out of my clothes,” Lukas whispers, still touching Philip, nipping at his lower lip. “Can you—”

Philip starts pulling at Lukas’s shirt, breathing hard through his mouth, and Lukas holds his arms up so Philip can pull it off and toss it away. Philip reaches down then and starts working at Lukas’s pants, pulling his belt from its loops and throwing it until it hits the wall, loudly.

“Shit,” Philip laughs, and Lukas snorts, their foreheads pressing together. They kiss as Philip undoes Lukas’s button and fly, and then he makes this lovely, frustrated sound, his brows knitting together when Lukas pulls back. “I have to get up.”

“Here,” Lukas says. He’s as gentle as possible as he rolls them over, pillowing Philip’s head with his hand and easing his bad shoulder as he lays back onto the bed. They both inch back towards the pillows and the rosy light drapes across Philip’s face like a gossamer sheet, his pupils blown wide and everything he wants in his eyes. 

Lukas stares at him as he finishes taking off his pants, getting out of them much too awkwardly, but Philip grins, reaching for him. “I can’t get on top of you, baby,” Lukas says, even though there’s nothing he wants more than to spread himself on top of Philip’s body and feel him writhing underneath. 

“I don’t fucking care, Lukas,” Philip says, taking his wrist. 

Lukas’s heart aches. “I can’t hurt you, Philip,” he says, easing down alongside him. He kisses his nose and his cheek, pressing his hand over the cuts and scrapes on his stomach. “I don’t want you hurt ever again, remember?”

“No bodyguard here, not from you,” Philip breathes, kissing him feverishly. 

Lukas groans again, breaking the kiss so he can bite at Philip’s ear. Philip sucks in a breath and Lukas’s hand travels down, touching him again. “Lemme make good on some promises, huh?” he whispers. “You remember all the things I promised?”

“Yes,” Philip says, his voice coming out in a rush of breath. 

Lukas is making himself shake but he pushes Philip softly so he’s lying on his back, and he kisses down his body, making sure to pay extra attention to every bruise, wishing he had healing powers. He gets distracted doing this, carries it on for a lot longer than he’d intended, and he has Philip panting, gasping, the comforter twisting in his hands. Lukas gets down to Philip’s pelvis and he’s never done this before, trembling with anticipation, but God did they lavish each other with stories on the phone, on facetime, and he knows enough to make it good. He pulls Philip’s underwear off with his hands and his teeth, listening to Philip let out a wavering breath. 

They’ve only seen each other’s dicks on grainy dark screens, and barely even then, because they’ve retained some sense of shyness with each other. Even the naked picture Philip sent left a little to the imagination. But Lukas doesn’t hesitate, wrapping his lips around Philip’s cock and taking him in deep. He feels his body’s response almost immediately, and it’s tenfold when Philip makes a noise like he’s been shot, breathing ragged through his mouth.

“Oh fuck, Lukas, Lukas—”

Lukas hums to himself. He never thought this would turn him on so bad but it does. The very idea that he’d want to do this for Philip, that he likes it—likes how it makes his jaw ache, likes the taste of him, how Philip is trembling and grasping at Lukas’s hair. Lukas bobs his head and drags his tongue along the underside. His stomach dips and goes static with warmth, and Philip bucks up a little bit into his mouth. Lukas doesn’t pull off but his eyes water, and he holds Philip’s hips down.

“Lukas, I’m so—ugh, fuck—I need you, please. Please, I want you—”

Lukas does pull back then, kissing his hipbone, nuzzling his nose into Philip’s skin. “Tell me what you need, baby,” he whispers, kissing Philip’s knee, sucking on the inside of his thigh. He sees the scar he loves and he inches Philip’s leg up a little bit so he can put his mouth there. 

“Want you to make love to me,” Philip says, and Lukas groans, still kissing his thighs. “Please, please, want—want you inside me.”

Lukas sighs to himself, his heart stuttering. He peels his own underwear off, throwing them off the bed, and sees Philip gazing at him. He feels like he’s moving through liquid time as he climbs back up alongside Philip’s body, and he never knew he could want someone like this. Could long for every touch to be never-ending, to kiss and rock together until the end of time. He wants Philip to consume him. “I want you in my lap,” he whispers, kissing Philip’s face all over, his hand sliding back and forth across his waist. He ruts against Philip’s hip, wants him to feel how much he needs him. “You want it like that?”

“Yes,” Philip whispers.

Lukas remembers Philip’s words, the first time they had sex over facetime. _I want you to hold me when we do it. In your lap, in your arms_ and he wants to high-five his subconscious for dragging that back in a moment where his whole mind is going haywire. Philip is all over him. In every pore, in every deep recess of his mind. 

Lukas touches his face softly, staring down at him. Philip smiles a little bit, his mouth quirking up at the corner, and Lukas’s stomach flips. They’ve been waiting so long and they’re finally here. No more barriers now. A soft bed, warm glow, and the love between them. Bodies longing to be tangled together. 

“Lemme get you ready like this,” Lukas whispers, kissing Philip’s mouth once, twice, three times.

“You know what to do?” Philip asks.

Lukas scoffs. “You know I do,” he says, reaching over to grab the lube. He doesn’t exactly like to mention on a regular basis that he’s done research to make sure this turned out right, but he knows he’s mentioned it before. 

Philip widens the spread of his legs and Lukas squirts some of the lube out onto his fingers, trying not to panic. He doesn’t want to hurt him. If he hurts him he’ll never fucking forgive himself. 

“You won’t hurt me,” Philip says, almost like he’s reading his mind. “Come on, babe, I…I need you.” He sounds desperate, and that shoots right through Lukas. He has to take care of him.

Lukas nods, reaching down between Philip’s legs. He pushes one finger inside him, slow as he can, and he watches Philip’s eyes flutter closed. It feels different than when Lukas did this to himself when they were on the phone that time, but probably because this is Philip and he’s perfect.

“Okay?” Lukas asks, his mouth dry. Philip nods but doesn’t say anything and Lukas crooks his finger around, trying to work him open. He knows this is their first time. That it isn’t going to be easy, especially for Philip. But he wants to try to make it as easy as possible. 

They take their time. After a few minutes go by he gets up to three fingers, already sweating watching Philip’s reaction. This feels so goddamn intimate and Lukas is so hard he feels like he might not make it. He pushes his fingers in and out and Philip gasps, arching his neck back.

“Okay,” Philip breathes. “Now, we gotta—now.”

“You sure?” Lukas asks, his own voice ragged.

“Yes, I’ve needed you since last fucking September—”

Lukas laughs, pulling his hand back, seeing Philip smile too. Lukas takes hold of him around the waist and helps him sit up, Philip bracing one hand on his shoulder and the other grabbing for the condom. He rips it open with his teeth and Lukas feels his stomach flip again, his mouth hanging open. Philip takes it and slides it over Lukas’s length, giving him a few tugs that make him see stars. He covers the condom in lube and then Lukas does the same, making Philip snort and press a long kiss to his neck. 

“Okay,” Lukas says, his heartbeat everywhere, so loud that he’s sure Philip can hear it. “I’ll—I’ll help you.”

“Okay,” Philip whispers. He braces both hands on Lukas’s shoulders and climbs into his lap, positioning himself so his feet are close to Lukas’s ass. Lukas helps Philip lower himself down onto his cock and he hisses when Lukas breaches him but still slowly, slowly, slowly sinks down. 

Lukas is terrified he’s hurting him, but Philip doesn’t falter, doesn’t stop letting Lukas in, inch by inch. Luks doesn’t think he’s gonna last. Philip’s tight heat surrounding him, the look in his eyes, the sounds he’s making. He sees stars, other universes, can hear everything they’ve ever said to each other but now it’s like velvet instead of the shame it was in the hospital. Now it’s the road that led them here. 

Philip finally stops when he’s seated all the way and he falls forward, wrapping his arms around Lukas’s neck and clinging to him. He’s breathing so hard.

Lukas hugs him close, rubbing his hands up and down his back. “Baby, are you okay?” he asks, his voice raspy. “Talk to me, please.”

Philip gasps when he moves a little bit and buries his face in Lukas’s neck. Lukas can feel wetness there and his heart lurches.

“Philip, look at me,” Lukas says, urging him back. He takes Philip’s face in his hands but Philip shakes his head. 

“Gimme a second,” Philip whispers, resting his forehead on Lukas’s. “Just—one minute.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, half horrified but still aching, trying to keep himself in check. He kisses Philip, cupping his cheek with one hand, reaching down between them to run his hand over Philip’s length. Philip whimpers into his mouth and Lukas slides their tongues together, every part of him on fire. It’s almost too much. 

He needs Philip to be okay. He wants him to feel good, and Lukas tries his hardest to get him there. He kisses Philip’s face all over and keeps touching him until he seems to relax, moaning a little bit and breathing easier through his mouth. 

“Okay,” Philip whispers, one hand around the back of Lukas’s neck and the other in his hair. “Okay.”

“You sure?” Lukas asks.

“Yes,” Philip says, his chest heaving, sweat forming on his collarbones. 

He nods at Lukas and Lukas nods back. He takes him by the hips and gently thrusts up into him, causing Philip’s mouth to drop open and his eyes to roll back. Lukas feels electrified and he does it again, drawing out a long moan. His cock is pulsing inside of Philip, sliding out a little bit when Philip rises up and comes back down.

They fall into a slow, agonizing pace, Philip clinging to him like there’s nowhere on earth he’d rather be. Lukas can feel his toes curling. They’re both sweating so much and Lukas licks a stripe up Philip’s neck, sucking at his pulse point. 

“God, Lukas,” Philip groans. “Lukas.”

Lukas moans, opening his eyes so he can look at him. He’s holding him around his waist and Philip’s back arches every time Lukas gives a particularly good thrust. “You’re the most beautiful person in the world,” Lukas breathes. “God, you’re an angel.”

Philip grins, working his hips back and forth, and he kisses Lukas’s cheek, light and soft. “Such a sweet talker,” he says, breathing hot on Lukas’s skin. 

“You make me this way,” Lukas says, his stomach jumping and contracting. 

They go a little faster then, Philip breathing out harshly with every thrust, his face smashed up against Lukas’s cheek. Lukas is trembling, shaking, his whole body aching. This is where he’s always meant to be. Right here, inside Philip, surrounding him, making him gasp and moan. 

“God, I’ve wanted this,” Philip whispers, arching his neck back. “God, feels like forever—”

“I’ve got you, Philip,” Lukas says, kissing his neck, his collarbones, his shoulders. It’s like he was made to be in Lukas’s hands. “Oh God, I’m here. You’re with me, you’re with me—”

“Yes, yes—”

Lukas wishes he could last longer but he can feel it building inside him, any minute now, any minute now. He’s already moving erratically, his thrusts getting sloppy. He holds Philip tighter.

“Baby,” Lukas breathes. “Baby, baby.”

“Lukas,” Philip chants. “Oh God, Lukas, oh God, so close—”

Lukas’s addled mind is happy they’re on the same page. Philip kisses him but it doesn’t take for long, and soon they’re just panting into each other’s mouths, their bodies writhing and moving against each other. 

“I love you,” Lukas whispers. “I love you, Philip, God, I’m in love with you.”

“I’ll love you—forever,” Philip answers. “And ever and ever, Lukas, Lukas—”

Philip comes with Lukas barely having touched him, shaking and crying out and pressing his nose into Lukas’s hair. Lukas follows fast, three more thrusts before his orgasm takes him, and he doesn’t see stars or heaven or anything else. Just Philip. Beautiful, beautiful Philip.

~

They do everything that pops into their heads. Lukas nearly dies with Philip inside him, they suck each other off in the shower, and Lukas takes Philip apart with his hands, so awed by the way his face looks when Lukas is touching him. They kiss underneath the covers for what feels like a hundred years, and now Lukas knows what it means to be completely happy. He holds Philip close and breathes him in. 

There’s nothing better than this. 

It’s closing in on midnight but Lukas has a feeling that they’ll be up all night talking. After all, the early, early morning hours seem to be the times they usually gravitate to.

“So since things are moving along nicely with your dad,” Philip says, curled up with his head on Lukas’s chest, “maybe he’ll let you visit again in a couple months?”

Lukas can’t even imagine leaving at this point, so he jumps forward to the plan forming in his head. “I think…I think me and you need to start thinking about…going to NYU,” he says. “Rooming together. Either in dorms or an apartment, whatever.”

He listens to the silence.

“Won’t it be hard?” Philip asks, sitting up to look at him, one hand braced on Lukas’s chest. “I mean, considering, well—the fact that we didn’t go right out of school and I don’t have much money.”

“I want this to be our thing,” Lukas says. “I don’t want my dad to pay for it. I’ll—I’ll find ways to get scholarships and grants for us. We have our strengths, there are so many opportunities for people like us. Plus, we’re gay, so if they don’t take us we can totally raise hell about it.”

Philip laughs, hitting him. “That’s awful.”

“But seriously,” Lukas says. “We’ll do the research. Find the opportunities. Work on that shit every day and make it happen before fall semester next year.”

Philip looks at him, those eyes searching his face. He scoots up and lays back down, closer to him now, his head on Lukas’s shoulder. “You really think we could do it?” he asks, sounding unsure.

Lukas reaches up to trace his finger down Philip’s cheek. “Yes. After all the shit we’ve been through—being apart all that time, the goddamn accident, shit—we can write a couple essays, take some videos, pictures, be really heartfelt about our circumstances keeping us from college but we want to go now.”

Philip laughs, turning in and nipping at Lukas’s earlobe. “Okay,” he says. “I think we can do it.”

Lukas turns on to his side, facing him. He touches his sides, his face, his chest. Looks at everything he can see. 

“You trying to memorize me?” Philip asks, though he sounds a little sad. 

“Yes,” Lukas says, meeting his eyes. “Five days, four really—I just—I don’t wanna lose this moment. What we have together. Shit, baby, I wanna wake up in your arms every day. I wanna kiss you when you wanna kiss me. I want these moments, I want—I want you.”

“We’re gonna get it, Lukas,” Philip says, cupping his face. “Like you just said. We can do this, we can make it. This is only the beginning.”

“I love you,” Lukas says, tears straining behind his eyes. 

“I love you too,” Philip says. “We’re gonna make it.”

“Yes,” Lukas says, nodding. “We will.”

Philip is the truth, to him. The only thing that’s real. The shining light in his life that he’d always been waiting for. 

They can do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter is the epilogue, coming soon. Thank you so much for taking this journey with me.


	12. Epilogue

August 10th 2019

Philip peers over the side of the rowboat, but he doesn’t think about the accident that water usually conjures up in his mind. He looks back, sees they’re not too far away from the landing. There are a bunch of other boats floating around them, some couples, some families, one man who looks like he’s in a race with himself. 

“You okay, baby?” Lukas asks. “We can row back.”

Philip turns and smiles at him, shaking his head. “No, I’m not freaking out—not yet anyway.”

“Just tell me if you start,” Lukas says, grabbing onto the oars like he’s ready to take off at a moment’s notice. “So today’s fear conquering day, huh?” he asks. “We gotta find something for me to do.”

Philip snorts, shaking his head. “You are not fearless, babe.”

“Name something,” Lukas says, tipping his chin up, challenging.

Philip could easily say _losing me_ but he doesn’t want to make this serious. “I seem to remember you fucking shrieking when you saw the roach the other day in the library,” Philip says, laughing when Lukas’s cheeks flood with color. 

“That shit was goddamn massive,” Lukas says. 

Philip scoffs, shaking his head. “We can row out a little bit farther,” he says.

“Alright,” Lukas says, eyeing him, picking up the oars and rowing them towards the middle of the lake. 

They moved into their apartment three days ago, and Bo left the day afterwards, driving the U-Haul with more ease than Philip would have thought anybody could.

He still can’t really fathom how far they’ve come.

They found a few jumpstart scholarships after a month of searching, and Philip wrote the longest goddamn essay of his life explaining why education is important to him, explaining how he wants to support his family and his new boyfriend, whom education helped him find to begin with. He took pictures of New York, Mom and Lukas to add in for good measure. Lukas applied for a few student transition scholarships and signed them up for about eight grants a piece, which Philip received four of and Lukas three. 

They both got into NYU for the 2019 fall term, and the day they found out they cried on the phone together for about three hours, elated that they’d actually managed it. They’d almost gathered enough money to pay for everything, but both of them eventually gave in to some of the offers of help coming their way. Helen and Gabe had been eager to contribute from the beginning, and Bo had actually gone to therapy over this whole thing with Lukas, eager to buy his way back into their relationship. Recently, though, he’s realizing that actually talking, actually _listening_ is more the way to go. Still, Lukas lets him help a little bit with the book costs and rent for the apartment.

Lukas visited Philip six times in-between last June and now, and Philip visited Oklahoma once, which was probably even stranger than getting hit by a car. It felt like a complete out of body experience. The whole thing was kinda like stepping into a TV show he’d been watching for years, suddenly being a part of it. Bo actually let him stay with Lukas in his room, although he cleared his throat and hovered around a lot more than Philip expected, and he was already expecting a lot of awkwardness. Philip was completely knocked out by being in Lukas’s space, seeing the desk where he wrote his first letter, the original picture Philip sent framed and sitting on his desk next to the photo of Lukas's mom. Lukas showed him everything, walking him through town and pointing things out, acting like an excited little kid. They hung out with Rose, which was awesome, and Philip has been texting on and off with her ever since. He got to watch Lukas ride his bike and got to ride on the back of it for the first time, which is one of his all-time favorite memories. 

He knows he’s gonna get that a lot more now. 

“Your shift is at eight tomorrow, right?” Lukas asks, looking up at him.

“Yeah,” Philip says. He sorta hates being this far away from him, but he’s worried the boat will flip over if he moves an inch. 

“You think you’ll be able to juggle classes and the museum?” Lukas asks. “I can’t do a job while I’m taking classes, I’d probably lose my mind.”

Philip laughs, shaking his head. “Yeah, I’ll be able to juggle it. When classes start I’m only gonna do two days, on Tuesday and Thursday when I just have that hour class at eight. Ten am to five pm shifts, then I’ll be home with you.” It’s still damn amazing to think that. That they have an apartment together in Williamsburg. An apartment that they live in together. That they’ll be living in _with each other_. Philip kinda hates how much their parental units are helping with the rent and bills, but he vows to be a famous photographer after college and pay them back tenfold. 

“Thank God,” Lukas says, smiling warmly at him. “Hey, how’s that big case going with Helen? Can’t believe that shit happened there.”

“Don’t tell her you know about that,” Philip says, shaking his head. 

“Philip, of course you told me she got a murder case,” Lukas says, clicking his tongue. “Probably the biggest thing to happen there in years.”

“Yeah, that’s what she said,” Philip says. It worries him, thinking of her dealing with something like that. A triple homicide. But he knows she’s very capable.

“I won’t say anything. She’ll catch ‘em, though,” Lukas says. “She’s a damn badass.” Philip hears Lukas’s text tone and Lukas stops rowing, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “Oh my God, he’s being so clingy, it’s driving me insane.”

“It’s good!” Philip says, happy to be off the subject of Helen’s case. “He’s trying!”

“He still hasn’t found the right way to deal yet but I guess it’s good,” Lukas says, typing out a message. He puts his phone away and looks up with a grin. “Oh, I forgot, I talked to your mom this morning when you were sleeping.”

“Huh?” Philip asks. 

“She called your phone and you looked so cute sleeping that I couldn’t wake you up,” Lukas says. “She just wanted to know if we could do dinner tomorrow. I told her yes because we don’t have anything else yet, and school still doesn’t start for two weeks. You won’t be working, right?”

“No,” Philip says. “I shouldn’t be doing any more late shifts because I told them I have a very needy boyfriend who doesn’t like it when I’m not home.” Home. The home they have together. The apartment they share. His heart swells with warmth and happiness.

“Perfect,” Lukas says. “I swear, I don’t know your mom dealt with you being gone all the time when you were still living there. It almost killed me and I didn’t even live here yet.”

“You’re so dramatic,” Philip says, trying not to smile too hard. 

“I just like looking at you and talking to you all the time,” Lukas says, shrugging. “So I can’t wait until your schedule is only two days instead of four.”

“If I like, meet you in the middle, can you kiss me?” Philip asks, laughing. “I don’t wanna rock the boat but I’m scared to move.”

Lukas grins, nodding. They both move at the same time and the boat only wavers a little underneath them as their mouths come together. He’s grown addicted to Lukas’s kisses, and he almost forgets they’re in a boat until Lukas breaks the kiss and nuzzles their noses together. “I’m gonna row back,” Lukas says, sitting down again, Philip doing the same. “We got a lunch to make.”

“You’re so cute,” Philip says, holding onto the sides as they head back to the landing. “Fucking date day.”

“It’s our first real weekend together,” Lukas says. “Being roomies. Buddies. Pals.”

“Real real close friends,” Philip says, grinning.

“Friends that make out and have sex and are deeply, deeply in love,” Lukas says. “Friendly, very friendly.”

“I love you,” Philip says, gazing at him.

“I love you too,” Lukas says.

~

They walk hand in hand towards the chocolate bar, and Philip tries not to think about how expensive it’s gonna be. He knows Lukas has been saving his winnings from the last six races he ran, so they aren’t completely in the red. Things got a lot better once Bo realized Lukas wanted to pick his own races—he became a lot less overbearing, and Lukas started winning more and more. He’s still planning on running a couple more circuits while they’re in class, but the sponsors are already circling him, anxious to see if he’ll ever go pro. 

He looks so goddamn hot in his gear that Philip can hardly bear it. 

He responds to his mom’s last text. _Yeah, going to lunch now, movie after, then grilled cheese at home, Lukas’s specialty :D looking forward to seeing you tomorrow._

“How are Rose and that guy doing?” Philip asks, swinging Lukas’s hand as he sends the text, putting his phone back into his pocket. Lukas keeps him on the inside of the sidewalk, which still tugs on Philip’s heartstrings. Lukas eyes a cab that goes a little fast around the corner, squeezing Philip’s hand.

“That guy, I think, is probably too good to be true,” Lukas says. “But that may be me just being an asshole.”

“Awww,” Philip says, leaning against him. “You’re just protective over her.”

“I guess,” Lukas mutters. “But she wants to come out and see us. She said you and her need to watch the next Lethal Weapon. Which I still can’t believe you did without me.”

Philip snorts. “You were _training_ and you were expecting us to just sit around and wait.”

“You could have watched something less cool,” Lukas says. “I’m the one that’s supposed to be educating you on action movies.”

“You can educate me however you want, baby,” Philip says, putting on that tone he knows drives Lukas crazy. 

Lukas looks down at him, blowing out a breath. “You’re killing me.”

~

Lukas spends about eighty dollars on the dinner, which Philip tries not to panic about. He’s so used to worrying about money, but he’s felt a lot better lately making and saving his own, at the library for a while and then at the museum. He can’t wait til they both have real jobs, can really support themselves without having to ask for money from Bo and Helen and Gabe. Philip knows college will pave their way. He can’t wait to see how proud Mom is of him. Well, how much more than she already is. She doesn’t go a day without telling him so.

They go and see that new Michael Fassbender and Oscar Isaac movie that Philip can hardly ever remember the name of, and they miss half of it because Lukas keeps leaning across the seat and starting shit. It still hits Philip sometimes, that they’re finally together for good, for sure, for always. This isn’t just a visit, this isn’t a dream. They don’t have to have long phone calls anymore, they don’t have to facetime to see each other. If Philip wakes up at four in the morning, Lukas will be there. And just like now, in the middle of a movie that Philip was only semi-enjoying, Lukas can and will kiss him whenever he wants. Usually they both want kisses every five seconds, and they haven’t gotten tired of it yet. Philip doesn’t think they ever will.

He laughs against Lukas’s mouth and tugs him closer.

~

They make their bed that night and Philip sees a piece of paper flutter out from underneath his pillow. He bends down to grab it and opens it up, his brows furrowing.

_Dear Philip,_

_You are beautiful. You fit perfectly in my arms. I can’t wait to share three classes with you. I hope every day is perfect, but if they’re not, we’ll get through them together. We’ve come so far, we made it through so much shit but now I get to wake up to your angel face every morning. Thank God._

_I love you._

_Write back._

_Love,_  
_Your Lukas_

Tears sting at Philip’s eyes and he looks up, sees Lukas walking out of the bathroom, brushing his teeth. “What’s—oh, I thought you were never gonna find that,” Lukas says, laughing a little bit around the toothbrush. “I put it there the first night.” He walks back into the bathroom and Philip hears him rushing to wash his mouth out. Philip wipes at his eyes, glancing down at the note again, and Lukas comes out, walking over and wrapping his arms around him.

Philip laughs a little bit, burying his face in Lukas’s neck. “You’re so fucking romantic,” he mutters, still clutching the note in his hand.

“I thought I’d do that for a while, so you’d really, really love me,” Lukas says, pressing a long kiss to Philip’s temple. 

“More than normal?” Philip asks. “Jesus, I didn’t ever think I could love you more.”

He pulls back and Lukas gazes down at him, those eyes so loving and intent.

“There’s a couple more hidden around here,” Lukas says, swaying them back and forth a little bit. 

“God, Lukas,” Philip says, laughing. “I’m gonna have to do it too.”

Lukas grins. “Good,” he says, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Philip’s forehead.

~

Philip lays in bed that night watching Lukas sleep, trying not to smile too hard. He can’t believe they fucking did it. Made it here, despite the odds. He can’t even remember what his life was like before that first letter. And honestly, he doesn’t want to. Mom hasn’t relapsed in over a year. She’s a manager at the grocery store. Helen and Gabe are more present in his life than ever. Bo is trying to act like a normal person.

And Lukas. Lukas is everything. Philip scoots closer to him so they’re almost nose to nose, and he keeps trying to suppress his smile. 

“Hey, baby,” Lukas whispers, startling Philip a little bit. He doesn’t open his eyes. 

“Yes?” Philip asks, outwardly grinning now.

“Try and go to sleep, you’ve got work in the morning and we’re going out after,” Lukas says, closing his arms around Philip’s waist and tugging him in until Philip is pressed against his chest. 

“Okay,” Philip says, giddiness in his heart for what the future holds. 

“I love you,” Lukas whispers, brushing his lips against Philip’s forehead. 

“I love you too,” Philip says, and he’s never meant anything more.

Philip closes his eyes, warm and safe and happy, heading for sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking this journey with me. The response was incredible. Please continue to join me as college verse resumes with my upcoming cruise fic! It's already 14 pages and still going.
> 
> Again, thank you for really loving this one, it means a lot to me. I'll miss this version of philkas, but they'll always be living on in their little alternate universe here, and you can always come visit them. 
> 
> Love you all!
> 
> #WeWantEyewitnessSeason2 #PhilkasForever


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